i cheated on him. what now?

[rachy]

hello. this post is really long..sorry! but i wanted u to have all the info to understad the situation to its best.

right...ive been with my boyfriend 18 months now and i love him so much. he's a wonderful man and he's crazy about me too.
but our relationship has got to that stage now where its not exciting any more, and i know this is bound to happen.
hes recently got a new job, and is working a 70 hour week sometimes. we used to see each other all the time but now its lucky if we get 2 nights a week together. hes always tired because hes working so much so when we do see each other we dont do anything, just sit around.
we've discussed this and have agreed to put more effort into our relationship because we dont want to loose each other.

now this all sounds well and good, were sorting through our problems but this is where i cocked up big style.

because of the increasingly serious nature of the relationship ive been getting nervous (im a huge commitment-phobe) and the thought that i will never be with anyone else again is really daunting, not because theres anything wrong with him, its just me being stupid.

so, i went out with my friends last night and it was really fun. but my boyfriend couldnt come because he was working again. as the night drew on we all got incrasingly drunk and increasingly flirty with each other. at the end of the night we all went back to a mates to watch a film. my friend came into the kitchen while i was getting a galss of water. he told me that he really fancies me and kissed me. and whether it was because of all the background stuff thats going on or just because i was drunk, i kissed him back briefly. i realised what i was doing and stopped and just walked off and went back to the film. but later on we ended up sat next to each other and he took my hand. and i didnt stop him.
that was as far as it went and i dont want it to go any further. like i said i love my boyfriend, it was just a really stupid thing to do. but now i had 2 quandries.

1)do i confess to my bloke and apologise and say it will never happen again or just not tell him. and
2) do i talk to my 'friend' say what happened was wrong and that it was a mistake and it must be left there. or pretend i was so drunk i dont remember and never speak of it again (or get drunk around him again)

[Pinkpvc]

you have to tell your bf. If you don't someone else will blab and you can bet they will blow it out of proportion and make the story seem 10x worse than it really was.
Explain to him exactly what you explained to us, and make sure you tell him that you didn't have feelings for the guy.
Hopefully he will realise that it was a mistake that you never meant to happen. Sometimes it can hurt more knowing your partner has feelings for another person, than finding out they kissed someone they didn't have feelings for whehn drunk.

Hope it gets sorted out

[rachy]

i definatly see your point, but the friend in question is a guy that i work with. if it was a random then i would agree implicitly but its not someone i can avoid seeing and i know my boyf will hate that and be worried whenever im at work. he gets very jelous and insecure (and it would seem he had a point. goddam) and it might compleatly destroy us. i dont want to loose him, but i dont want to build a relationship on lies either. im so confused.

[rachy]

and also, what should i do about my friend? talk to him or keep shtum?

[loss]

talk to your bf first why? if he finds out him self he would be so hurt well i m not sure abt that but if that the case your relationship will kind of go down the hill if your lucky that is if not you guys might break up i m not trying to jinks you..and tell your friend as well but your friend should be the 2nd person to know.

[Mish]

Something like this would not be easy to bring up, but at least you can always rest in the fact that you didn't do anything too serious. You can try to blame it all on alcohol and such. This might have a damage on your trust with your bf and it's something that might linger.

More importantly, you have mentioned that you are having doubts about your relationship with your bf. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate where your relationship is at and what you both can do to bring it back to life.

[vashti]

I don't think telling yor boyfriend is necessary IF YOU HAVE LEARNED YOUR LESSON. The only good it would do is to relieve your guilt. Tell the guy you work with you won't be hanging out with him anymore and that it was a mistake (and be sure you DON'T hang out with him anymore), and then re-evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend.

[Kindle_S]

I (as u can see in my topic) am in the same situation

I didnt know whether to tell her at the time, I didnt, because I didnt wanna lose her. And our relationship was great. I only kissed this girl, and lots of people are now claiming I had sex with her and its really messing with my girlfriends head.

My advice would be to tell him, but Im sorry I cannot guarentee that he wont leave u.

Your situation is different to mine, Im never gonna see this other girl again, while you are gonna see this boy reguarly. ????

[King Zarathu]

I can agree with a few posts above, however... I look at it this way: If I had a girlfriend and she cheated on me, I would like to know about it. Even if she learned her lesson, I would still like us to be honest to each other (how ironic, eh?) and not keep secrets (I can do that because I'm special).

Also, you should definitely tell that guy you kissed that you don't want that shit. You don't need it and this form of indulgence can be destructive to everyone around you (including yourself). Otherwise, he could grab some further ideas and make further attempts with you.

Somewhere in this story you should've been smacked hard with a lesson. Looks like you have some things you need to sort out with your boyfriend (regarding the relationship that is now getting "not exciting any more," according to your own words).

Oh, and by the way, the fact that you're a "commitment-phobe" really pisses me off. You should get over that.

[vashti]

I can agree with a few posts above, however... I look at it this way: If I had a girlfriend and she cheated on me, I would like to know about it. Even if she learned her lesson,

Why would you want to know? What good would it do?

[King Zarathu]

Firstly, it would be a little reassuring because it would tell me two things: 1) She would tell me if she did something she wasn't supposed to do. 2) She isn't completely spineless.

If the girl used in this example is honest enough to tell me that she did it, it would make sense if she was honest enough to tell me whether or not she is stable enough to not let the situation reproduce.

Though I do see your reasoning and well-stated point, me being the person I am would simply like to know these details.

Ironically, trust level would get incremented by one, even through the pain.

[rachy]

ok...so heres my decision. thankyou so much for all the advice.

i have definately learnt my lesson. in previous relationships ive been a bitch, but i never really cared for the guy (i know this doesnt excuse my bitchyness but there it is).
i was feeling bored with the relationship, but this was more the situation we were in rather than us ourselves per se. after this happened, the thought that i could loose him was so terrifying that my lesson is well and truely learnt.
i have spoken to the 'other man' and although we do still see each other (i work with him, its unavoidable) we do not see each other socially any more, and certainly do not spend time alone together.
i have not and will not tell my boyfriend about what happened. the only thing it will reslt in is pain. it did however spur me on to talk to him about our relationship and we have sorted out a lot of the stuff that was bogging us down.
im aware that i need to get over my commitment issues (but the fact we've reached 18 months is a massive step for me, im 21 and no previous relationship, of which there were many, had ever lasted more than 1 month), weve discussed this as well and are taking things one step at a time.
heres hoping things will work out for the best.

[Only-virgins]

just because i was drunk

No.

_________________

[Gigabitch]

Do you really want this guy, Rachy? Are you sure? if you don't, maybe you should think about letting him go and being free, which you seem to want.