lost

[swingster780]

ok well.. have read some of these other posts. seems like this is the right place to vent and at least tell strangers what is goin on cause i can't really tell anyone i know personally. Kind of a long story that i will try to shorten as much as i can without leaving out anything importants so, here goes.

A little over two years ago, i fell in love with my roommates g/f. She fell in love with me and we had an off and on affair for a while. I kept telling her she should leave him and be with me. Especially after he moved off and got a job in another city. But shortly thereafter she had major surgery and had to go home for a couple of weeks. When i was finally able to come see her afterwards (this is after he had stayed with her for a week) i found out that he had proposed to her the day after her surgery (on her jaw) when she couldnt even eat solid foods much less utter a response. So it was just taken as a yes. She tells me she wished it had been me and that she was kind of helpless to do anything about it.. being drugged and mouth wired shut.. at the time.

Anyways, the months go by and instead of breaking it off, wedding plans are made. Excuses are made by her saying that he had a job and was ready while i was still in school and not ready. Which shouldnt matter when it comes to who you want to be with the most which she has always and still does say is me. I think she just could not bring herself to leave the person that she had been with 4 years prior to meeting me. The ONLY guy she had been with period for that serious of a relationship- prior to me. I understand her hestiance and that she has been with him so long that it would be hard to leave. But I couldnt convince her in time. Wedding time crept up and she started to tell me she felt trapped. That she didnt want to be married to him but everything was paid for and planned and she didnt feel like she could get out of it. And then, the wedding came. I had planned to miss it but friends of mine that were in town were expecting me to go and having no real excuse to tell them that i wasnt, i went. And there she was. The girl i have fell head over heels for- who in spite of all that she has done with wedding planning and stuff-- whenever we are together, it is perfect for the both of us. She tells me after the wedding that she wished i had came early enough and saved her from it. Wisked her away from both families. And that she would have done it. I keep my composure until i get in the car, and then lose it. The whole hour and a half drive back home, and all night.

I feel so bad. I wish i could have done something before hand to stop it. I know she is with him now on their honeymoon and cry every time i even start to think about it. The whole time we were serious she said she never did anything with him at all. Which i do believe. She is smart enough to know that if any accidents did happen that it would complicate more things if you had been with more than one guy (at least) per cycle. She said she couldnt even let him touch her too much cause she always got the feeling that she was cheating on me. And now i know that this coming week, it will be really hard if not impossible for her to not do anything. Not my major worry, but makes everything worse nonetheless. I hurt for her. Every minute that goes by that i dont hear from her to know if she feels the same i feel worse and worse. I know she loves me. She has told me so before and after the wedding. But what am i to do? Am i to wish bad things on a marriage for my own happiness? But if she isnt happy, it isnt just for mine but for hers as well. I hate not being with her. And i hate that she felt she had to go through with the wedding. I wish i could have done something. I wish i could do something. But what is there to do?

[Deftones123]

Hey! wow I am really sorry you actually had to participate in that ! ( wedding that is)

Marrige is a big deal, and if she was scared tell him no, thats a big serious problem! she is dragging this pour guy in too something terrible!

You reall have to lay the straw on this one, If she trys to contact you , you need to tell her that you can't talk to a married woman any more..and if she agrees with you and stops talking to you, well than thats it right there! You shoulden't really feel bad for her, because she new was she was doing, she went through something big. Now yes I'm sure their getting all hanky panky because it is their honey moon, but if she truely loves you and only you! she will need to make a really big decision! what drama that would have caused if you had done something at the wedding!


Try to move on for right now

[vashti]

I think this girl sounds truly despicable. What a pathetic excuse for a woman. I pity the poor bastard who married her, and if you were any kind of a friend to him, you should have warned him about what a nut job she is.

PS - You can still shake your head "no" when your mouth is wired shut. She is lying.

[swingster780]

i know i cant talk to her like we used to now. but just once more whenever i can. to tell her that im sorry for not doing anything to prevent it beforehand, and to say that i still love her more than anything and that if she wants to come back i will still take her. i am just afraid that if it was too difficult for her then, it will be even harder now. and even harder on him. she had mentioned thinking about telling him about us a few days before the wedding. I had told her it depended on the reason. If she wanted to tell him to be true to the one she was gonna marry then i guess i could respect that. But it seemed to me she expected the news to end the then impending wedding, so that she could be with me. I told her she could end it by saying something else first and not add insult to injury cause the guy is going to be hurt by rejection already. No need to make it worse right then and there. If he was to find out later then at least he has time in between. But nothing happened. I dont know anything anymore. Just wish it had been me.

[vashti]

I think you should thank god it WASN'T you.

[swingster780]

well.. i understand where you are coming from Vashti. As an outsider looking in it could seem like she is cold-hearted in doing what she is doing. I think part of her problem is that she thinks that as well and doesnt feel like she deserves to be happy. But everyone does. Her, him, and I as well. But if she still feels that she will be happier with me, and i do as well, then i think we should. I am not happy with what she has done. But i cant let it mean that everything we said to each other and all the happiness we had together meant nothing right?

[vashti]

What she does to him, she would also be willing to do to you. Knowing that, if you try to pursue something with her, you deserve what you get.

[nendo]

to be honest i don't think she sounds as bad as cashti is thinking she is. no offence vashti. just how she comes off differently for me.

anyway this is what i think

i think she was to scared to off done anything in the first place. being in something that long does fill ur mind with. well am happy with this other guy but av been with my current boyfriend longer and we have somethign good. so why break off something that doesn't need mending or fixing at all and is good.

i kinda blame her boyfriend for doing the can't wait for the response thing and taking it a a yes. how dumb do u have to be do that after a jaw operasion. idiot

anyway u could always try and win her back. but seeing as there married theres very little chance she would. seeing as she got married to him for the wrong reasons anyway. to scared to say no and break his heart.

just sit her down and have a very serious talk.

[vashti]

You must be kidding! If some guy I didn't want to marry asked me after I had jaw surgery, I know *I* could shake my head no, say uh-uh, write the words "no thanks" on a napkin, kick him in the balls, roll my eyes, or any number of things that would get my meaning across. It really isn't hard - people who are mute could do a better job communicating. My daughter learned how to communicate "no" before she learned how to speak.

This girl is just making excuses to keep on loverboy's good side. Honestly, I can't imagine why anyone would pity her unless her husband was threateneing to hurt her if she didn't marry him. She should be held accountable for her actions.

I am so tired of everyone trying to claim they are a victim.

[nendo]

it kinda looks as though ur using urown experience and making the judgment. rather than trying to imagine it from her point of view. if u get what i mean

[Deftones123]

The best type of advice is through putting your self in someone elses shoes, and promptly give your advice to. Alot of people on this site are differen't they have their own point of views..In his case he would have acted in a more aggressive manner than you, and when you ask for an outsiders point of views opinion It sometimes will go against the truth.

If this woman isn't a lying witch, than she is a very confused girl who is afraid of letting down others

[vashti]

it kinda looks as though ur using urown experience and making the judgment.

Uhh - yeah! That's what everyone does. Why would that be a problem? Don't you believe that experience should be educational?

Look, I assume this guy came here to get objective outside opinions on his situation. That is what he got. In my opinion, there is something seriously wrong with a girl who would marry someone in this manner.

[swingster780]

ok yeah... although i dont totally agree with vashti in everything.. im not upset by what is said. like i said.. i can understand how one would think that. but it is what deftones said.. she is very confused. she hates to hurt others especially if they are as close to her as i/we are. in fact, before we even did anything, i know of a few times she got pissed and wanted to break things off with him, until he came crying back and begged her to stay, which she eventually did. I believe at that point at least, they were together simply for convienence (sp?). Normally, as a guy, i would never have thought about going after a friends girl. Ok.. maybe thought about it but never actually did anything. But, as the saying goes and as i found out for myself, you can't choose who you fall in love with. It happened. And it happened on both ends. And it just hurts that even though i know she loves me i didnt have enough of whatever it took to get her courage up enough to leave the guy that she was with for now over 6 years. I understand its hard but.. when you say you feel trapped with the marriage, wish you could get out of it, are more happy with you, and wished it was you, but then its not, it is very confusing and heartbreaking.

But yeah.. i did come to this site to 1) see what was said and 2) be able to unload all this cause i cant to anyone around me. I dont care what is said, some advice i may take, some i may not. I pretty much dont have too many choices to make anyways, its all on her. I just kinda wanted some way to deal with it besides getting drunk and upset.

oh and yes.. her bf's way of proposing sucked. very spineless which i guess stems from him maybe sensing he was losing her and deciding he better do it soon and at a time where she is less likely to say no. She has said since then that she wishes she had that moment back and didnt shake her head or anything because at that point in time she did not know exactly what i was wanting from the relationship we had. I dont quite agree or understand that completely since she should have known i was wanting a long lasting relationship seeing as how i am not the kind of guy that would do that to someone else i know if i didnt completely believe she was doing the wrong thing with him and that i could treat her better and give her a better life. which i still believe and she does too. Just so complicated.

[vashti]

Just so complicated.

I don't think it is so complicated. I think you are trying to MAKE it complicated so you don't have to be angry at her. It is a lot easier for you to look at her as a "confused" victim than to see her objectively.



::where is gigabitch when a girl needs a little level-headed support?::

[shai`anne]

She has you so whipped you can't even see reality on front of your face. If she didn't want to marry him she would have said no. Even when everything was paid for she could have still said no. Do you really believe she is going to leave the man she says to love (you) and go and marry someone else? Wake up she wants 2 men and that's just what she got.