Old fart is confused

[Lookin]

I've been in a relationship with the same lady for 4 years. We moved in together about a year ago and marriage is not out of the question. We have both been married and divorced.

After she moved in you always have a learning curve to go through. After almost a year in the same house. I've always had this feeling of she's not all here. We have talked about it and she admited that there is a wall for her from past dating situations. Because of this feeling of mine I did something stupid.

She has had a long time friend (male) from a previous job. She has forwarded emails from him to me and they are usually sexual in nature. He is married. Jokes but sexual. I'm familiar with him.

My paranoid side came out and I managed to get to see her email. Well, he has asked her out to lunch because his wife is out of town. I guess that makes 2 of us that aren't aware of this lunch. I know that they are "friends" and have been longer that I have been around but is that right? To hide the fact that they are going out to lunch. I have opened conversations about the day they are going and if she has any out of the ordinary plans etc.... Not a word about it.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice? Should I just try and let it pass? HELP!!

[TAVS]

Ask her out to lunch the same day. Is that feasible?

[Lookin]

I'm afraid that won't work. We work too far from each other.

Ask her out to lunch the same day. Is that feasible?

[blue]

just ask her what the deal is. Unfortunatley you were sneaky and now you are trying to figure out a way to corner her, i dont like the way that sounds

[Lookin]

That is just my point believe it or not. I messed up and should not have done what I did. I'm not looking for a way to corner her but a way to get through this without having a bad feeling in the back of my mind. I don't believe that anything is going on ..but.... who knows. Do other folks not tell their mate about lunch dates? I'm upset with myself and with her.

just ask her what the deal is. Unfortunatley you were sneaky and now you are trying to figure out a way to corner her, i dont like the way that sounds

[vashti]

I may or may not mention lunch dates to my husband, depending on whether or not I remember them. Lunch dates (even with flirty men) may not mean a thing to her. Do you have any reason to believe she is not being faithful (other than you not liking this particular friend of hers)?

[Lookin]

I've tried to talk with her about her past and the line I get is "I've done things I'm not proud of" and won't say any more. How do you take that? That adds to my feelings.

I may or may not mention lunch dates to my husband, depending on whether or not I remember them. Lunch dates (even with flirty men) may not mean a thing to her. Do you have any reason to believe she is not being faithful (other than you not liking this particular friend of hers)?

[vashti]

I take that to mean that her past is not any of your business, and it is not relevant to the situation at hand.

What I am asking is whether or not she has done anything **since you have known her** that makes you think she is untrustworthy.

[Lookin]

The answer is yes.

Not wanting to answer any questions in a commited long term relationship is the first flag. Remember the word honesty. You're not very trusting or close if you don't want to.

I take that to mean that her past is not any of your business, and it is not relevant to the situation at hand.

What I am asking is whether or not she has done anything **since you have known her** that makes you think she is untrustworthy.

[Gigabitch]

Your trust issues with her have nothing to do with this other guy. He's just a catalyst. You should talk to her about your feelings without telling her that you violated her privacy.

Maybe she's be okay with it, but I would toss you out on your ass for doing something like that.

[vashti]

The answer is yes.

Not wanting to answer any questions in a commited long term relationship is the first flag. Remember the word honesty. You're not very trusting or close if you don't want to.

I disagree. I think there is (or should be room) in adult relationships for a little bit of separation. You actually ARE separate people, you know.

Overall, I agree with Giga...