Advice

[daveR]

Hey everyone,

Wud appreciate sum advice on this:

A few weeks ago I found out this girl liked me ( even though we'd never even chatted b4), so I got her email and we sent quite a few messages. Things were apprearing to go well, so I arranged to meet her at a party.

This is when the problem started - see i'm like really insecure about my looks and personality and stuff as i've never had a gf b4 ( im 25 ) , and I just keep thinkin like why on earth wud anyone like me and if i go talk to her im just gonna make it worse and all this kinda stuff.

So anyhow she was at the party, and she was talkin to these guys all nite - so i didnt go up and say hi. And so the party finished without me actually meetin this girl.

I was a bit annoyed at all this so the next day I sent her a an email apoligisin for not talkin to her - i just said i was real nervous - and asked her if she wanted to go to another party, but she hasnt replied ( and that was a few days ago!)

So do u reckon i've blown it then, r what should i do now?

Thanks
dave

[LightOn]

I reckon you have blown it. You say you are insecure about your looks. Now remember she WAS interested in you, so your looks can't be that bad can they? Not approaching her at the party more than likely turned her attraction away from you. Some girls consider shyness a big turn off......it doesn't matter how sexy you are.

How did you go about getting her email in the first place? How did you first know of this girl?

There are many ways to get over her......But seriously ask yourself what really is there to get over? It was simply some emails and a party. Her being interested in you more than likely caused you to become heavily interested in her, because you have never had a g/f before. There is plenty of women out there that WILL be interested in you, forget about "her" and find some others.

Edit was because I clicked submit to soon by accident.

[apiman]

I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but LightOn, you tend to make it seem like nothing will work when something goes wrong and people should just move on. Why does this guy have to just completely forget about it and move on? All that happened is he didn't get to talk with her at the party. If she doesn't indeed email him back, then I can see forgetting about it, but you seem to be so quick to forget it and find somebody else.

[daveR]

hey thanks for the advice

Lighton i suppose ur rite - to anyone else it would be no big deal and they would just move on, but to me this is the biggest thing ever in the world & i cant stop thinkin about her cause she was SOO pretty!!! The same thing has happened in the past so maybe i need to do somethin about this prob i have!!

as for how i know her we sorta know friends of friends of friends so there is a good chance that i will see her again, although the next time i see her it will be twice as awkward than the first time!
So do u reckon i should mention it like kinda laugh it off, or just pretend it never happened?

i suppose im just afraid of approaching her and making a complete arse outta myself! but then i suppose that would be better than just ignoring her completely ( hey its experience) !!

[apiman]

The first thing you have to deal with is whether she reponds to your email or not. If she never responds, I would at least give her a call; at that point you really don't have anything to lose.

[LightOn]

apiman: When a person tends to let infatuation make 1 person seem like your only desire in life......A lot, if not all of the time it will doom the outcome. You can desire to be the fastest man on earth, and be very successful at that because you desired that, but when it comes to desireing other people that much, that puts a lot of responsibility on their part, which they may not be ready for. You can't expect anyone to be ready for that, except maybe you.

I am not saying give up hope, but I am saying give up that "false" sence of hope. It tears a person down mentally and in some cases physically. I have let infatuation run my life at times, it never worked because I was always expecting more and more and more and more out of who I was infatuated with. I came to the conclusion that the wanting more feeling will never come to a hault, untill I decided to focus on what I already had. Then all the things I wanted just started popping up left and right, without expecting them. You can say I gave up, sure it looks that way, but it is the exact opposite. I came to my sences and realized I had to cherish myself, my belongings, family, friends, and my dreams all with a balanced effort. Not untill then could I truly appreciate life with a passion.

daveR: I can't suggest pretending it never happend, or even mentioning it. You got to look at what happened in her eyes? Even though it seems like a lot to you, it may have been not much at all to her. So what I suggest is accepting it happened. Sometimes you have to kinda "give up" in order to make sence out of something. What I do suggest though is giving up on the insecurity about your looks, that will do nothing positive for you, I believe you know that. This is a competitive world, only way to progress is to aggress, as in put yourself out there. You are the man, it is highly unlikely the lady is going to come sweep you off your feet.

[IceQueen]

You've blown it. Not a thing you could do except extract a valuable (and not free) lesson out of it all. Barring some unforseen circumstances, she already chose not to contact you back (why? because you are obviously not ready for a relationship). Before you can be involved with someone, you must work on your issues.

[daveR]

Ok so I can now confirm what I suspected, and what you suspected, that yup, i've blown it big time. I know this from friends that know her, and its pretty embarrasin tryin to explain why/how i let it happen.

So i am not ready for a relationship - how do I work on my issues - i am prepared to do almost anything - like do u's have any practical advice?

thanks again

[LightOn]

There are many ways to prepare yourself.....it is not an overnight process though.

Self improvement involves many areas, actually pretty much all areas. You could start with what bothers you the most, that way once you take care of it the rest would get easier. Or you could start with the thing that bothers you the least. Slowly building momentum task by task. All in all, you must have confidence in yourself when taking up any challenge, wether it seems easy or difficult.

One thing I have done that has always helped me weed out my problems, is look for what i may be fearing....why I am fearing it, and what could i do to diminish or extinguish the fear. When we fear something, we either give up or let the fear get the best of us and we screw it up anyway. Know you have control of your life, and you actually do control how people treat you. Self improvent never ends, no one is actually perfect so there is always room for improvement. Make a goal to where you want to be, a goal that is possible in your eyes, once you reach that goal focus on the will power it took to get you there, and soak up that pride!

Or you could play the "pretend i dont care" game, which is quite simple but you will never feel truly appreciated because you were only pretending. I have done things that way myself, but It did more harm than good, because I wasnt being real to anyone except myself.

Look for other posts, most importantly do put yourself out there. Practice makes perfect. And about the chick, hey its only 1 person.

I can't say any of this will work for you, as everyone is different.
Good luck!

[IceQueen]

Dave,

I guess you are asking what specifically made me say that you are not ready. Well, in this particular situation she must have thought you are not ready because, look.

She knows you want to enter a relationship with, right? And what are you going to do in a relationship? Gaze dreamily into each other's eyes? No, that's boring. So you must TALK! You must be INTERESTING. At that party, you were not able to interest her. Moreover, you were even too intimidated to TRY to interested her.

So before you can do anything with girls:
1) You must be interesting;
2) You must not be intimidated by her looks.

Now, how you work on it.

You must remember that girls are first and foremost PEOPLE. Individuals. With personalities. Therefore, you must learn to look at them as such. I'd suggest that you try to be friends with girls (i.e. pick them out to talk to, not based on their looks, but based on their personalities, the way you pick out MALE friends). You must not be interested in anything other than friendship (because believe me it shows when a guy is only being your "friend" because he wants to date you), and you must treat them and think of them as PEOPLE.

Everything will fix itself from them on, once you master that.

[MVPlaya]

Originally posted by daveR
see i'm like really insecure about my looks and personality and stuff as i've never had a gf b4 ( im 25 ) , and I just keep thinkin like why on earth wud anyone like me and if i go talk to her im just gonna make it worse and all this kinda stuff.

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you the other night, I was too nervous. You want to go to another party where I'll be? Maybe I'll have the balls to talk to you then..."

Buddy, you screwed this up. Look at it this way: she was talking to guys all night, they clearly had the balls to talk to her, you, on the other hand, think you're worthless when it comes to dating and aren't confident enough to talk to her, how enticing a catch you make yourself to be.

Look, if you don't even want yourself, why the **** would she want you?

Originally posted by daveR
see i'm like really insecure about my looks and personality and stuff

So... you are insecure about your looks. Do you think women date guys solely based on looks? Homie, look at your friends and who they're dating, you might notice its not solely based on looks.

And about your personality, do you think you need to change your personality? Learn to like something new and suppress yourself? The only part of you that is messed up is that you don't dare approach... even when you have hints that she is interested in you... in which case she clearly wants to talk to you. Would you rather sit around knowing she may like you for a short while and never talk to her or actually bust a move?

Originally posted by daveR
I just keep thinkin like why on earth wud anyone like me and if i go talk to her im just gonna make it worse and all this kinda stuff.

My god, don't be such a punk. "Why on earth would anyone like me?" Shit, the way you sound the only woman that would like you is Mother Teresa, and last I heard she died. This is what you need to do, quit the ****ing self-pity and go out.

I'm not gonna sit here and rag on you through this entire post just to have you feel like shit, I have two options for you. One, you can sit around, scour internet forums, and date your first chick at 33. Two, you can approach girls this month and ask them for their phone numbers until you get 10 rejections. You'll figure out rejections are no big thing and you''ll walk away with some phone numbers while you're at it.