I dont want it to be over.

[Zealot]

Hi guys, really appreciate the way you've set things up here.

I'm 17, and have been dating a woman who is 20, for 15 months. Age has never played an issue between us, infact I dont think we've ever even brought it up. Unfortunately, in the last few days events have turned to us leading to a breakup. A huge one at that, however I'm unwilling to move on, as I realize it's my mistake and I feel like I deserve a chance to fix it. Please, read on.

I met her on May 7th, we were love bugs since day one. I met her online, through my brother for some university related stuff. We used to talk everyday, for hours at ends, till the early hours of the morning. Just talking about everything, love, life, relationships, people, everything. We went 2 months without seeing a photo of each other, and didnt have a clue what the other looked like. Soon, this little online relationship turned into reality.

We met, we loved, and we decided that we'd stay. Unlike most online relationships, ours was perfect. We loved each other so much, we even got names for our future kids, and made promises about things we would or wouldnt do when we got married. She runs her own dancing school, with over 60 students, and she goes to university. She still lives with her parents, and so do I. My parents however were unaware of me dating this woman, as they are unacceptive of me dating at all. Her parents however dislike me quite a bit, espescially because of me being younger than her.

Later during the year, around about November, her dance school held a concert. We had an argument that night, an argument that went really out of hand. Her mother had creditted her daughter for work I had done, and I was pissed at my girlfriend for not correcting her, even after I had asked her to. I know now that she felt like she was stuck in the middle, and that it would've been impossible for her to talk to her mom like that, espescially with me around. That night, because I was angry with her, I sent her some abusive text messages. Unfortunately, her mother intercepted them.

Her mother had a long chat with her that night. She was a completely different person that night when she came online to talk to me. We talked about how things are going to be different, how Im not going to "boss" her around, etc. We talked about how those messages were terrible, and I agreed and said that I never meant any of it. However, that was not the end of it. We've been having little arguments over things since then. Small and big things, but the arguments always ended in us making up and realizing the problems. We still had a lot of love, so much that even if we had an argument today, we probably would've been out watching a movie the next day, unable to keep our eyes off of each other.

Fast forwarding to last week however, our relationship had become what they call a "toxic relationship". Over the time I had been quite abusive verbally, although I have NEVER EVER laid a finger on her, I didnt even realize I was being so abusive verbally though. Last week we had a tiny little argument, she cried and said "nothing I say fixes anything!", and I could just say "I'm sure crying is fixing a lot", sarcastically. I left that night, angry, and sent her a message ten minutes later saying that I dont want to see her for a fortnight, and that after that I will decide if I even want to be with her or not.

I took her for granted. I was hoping she would turn around and give me a phonecall, and that I would be able to solve things right then. But she didnt. I was also hoping she would meet me at work that night during my break, but she didnt. I ended up trying to call her, and she wouldnt pick up. I tried ringing her at home, her mom cheekily talked to me in a way that showed that she was clearly hiding something. I was pissed because of the mother, and once again, without realizing, I sent her abusive messages. I even talked about killing myself if she wouldnt pick up the phone, but we have both said things like those before, and they've never meant anything. We both realize we're just being immature and that neither of us is really going to do anything to harm ourselves in any way.

After that message, her phone was off. From that day to today, it's been off. I tried finding her the next day, and couldnt find her anywhere. I stuck around outside her house then, hoping that she will show up eventually. I saw her in her mother's car, driving down the road, but as soon as they saw me they drove off. They did that two more times, driving off as soon as they spotted that I was still around. Realizing that trying to contact her then isn't going to work out, I just left.

I rung her house up the next day, and the dad picked up the phone. He said that she doesnt want to talk to me, and that she isnt at home. When I asked what it was that I did wrong, all he said was "You sent some pretty rude messages thursday night", and that was it. I tried saying that I was sorry and that I knew what I had done and wanted a chance to tell her how sorry I was, but he just said "No, she doesnt want to continue with this relationship" and he said that he'd let her know what I had said and he just hung up the phone. I know all her passwords, and from one of her emails I've learnt that she has now got a new telephone number.

Yesterday he rung up my dad. He said to my dad what had happened between me and my gilrlfriend. He said to him that my girlfriend didnt want to see me anymore, and that I should stop contacting her. He said to him that he got her a new number for her cell phone too, and that if I tried contacting her now he would take "appropriate action", with which he is probably referring to legal action.

I realize that if my girlfriend wanted to contact me, she could've just sent me an email, or drop me a line through MSN, or anywhere. But she didnt. However, on the other hand, she still hasnt changed her passwords, nor has she straight up told me that it's over. I know she is angry, and I know what I've done wrong. I realize now. I didnt even know I was being abusive, but I know now. I know what I've done, not only have I gone through the trouble to find out all about "toxic relationships", I've even been kicking myself for ever swearing at her.

My question remains this...do I have any hope with getting back with her at all? I cannot leave her, she means everything to me, and I just want a chance to talk to her and to apologize to her and tell her that I realize my mistakes, and that I want to fix them. Any advice on what to do to get her back is very appreciated.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

[vashti]

I think you should absolutely leave her alone. Your relationship was terrible, and if you dated my daughter, I would have a restraining order put out on you.

Sorry, I know you are young and have a lot to learn about relationships, but I really think you need to get some counseling. Verbal abuse, abusive IMs, threats to kill yourself, dishonesty with parents, checking into her private email , and "bossing" her around... These are signs of an EXTREMELY bad relationship. You need some help. Please get it.

[Zealot]

No, the only thing here was verbal abuse, nothing more. Threats to killing myself was just immaturity, and was from both sides, she has done them too. There's no dishonesty with my parents now, I actually walked home in January and straight out told them what's going on, and made them accept it. Im not the only one who checks her email, she's' been known to go through my email looking to see if I've been getting any emails from women. She even knows my bank account password.

I've been slightly controlling, yes, but not fully "bossing", and the counsellor that I went to see earlier agrees. She seems to think that my girlfriend just couldnt take anymore and blew and that she needs time to think, and to cool down. She recommends that I wait a month or two and then see if she will contact me, or let me contact her.

[vashti]

What? You think if this girl ALSO engages in inappropriate behavior, then yours is acceptable?

Look, I am only going by what YOU wrote, and I can only see this heading for trouble. You are free to disregard my advice if you like, or maybe if you wait around, someone will disagree with me.

[Zealot]

No no no. Sorry, I didnt mean to say that. I meant to say that, I know that I did it, but I'm not the only one at fault. However that is not what I am trying to bring up, what I am trying to bring up is that I have only just realized all I have done, I have learnt, and I also learnt before the relationship ended, but I didnt realize at the time.

I remember the one time I had an argument with her, but turned around and said sorry to her because I was being harsh on her. She asked me not to apologize, and couldnt understand why I was apologizing. I had learnt that I had done something wrong, I was at the epitome of understanding, but I was too late. I just want a chance to go back and correct things now.

[vashti]

You sound like you are trying to improve your behavior, and I feel your remorse, but sometimes things cannot be fixed.

I hope you can make peace with this situation, and can come to consider it an important learning experience.