All Men: Please Interpret This!

[zazmsc]

Hey vashti, thinker, henry, and all you other folks,

For Vashti-- 1st you have to remember that I am a girl and I'm the one who wishes he had been as honest and direct with me as I was with him. No I'm not going to send him any more messages, but let me give you and some of you other guys a little more info. I really appreciate your posts... esp. thinker's,

but I just want you all to know that I met this guy through... Match.com... and I was determned not to get into a relationship for "fun". I stated in my profile and to him more than once that I was looking for something serious and that I was looking for love. I think that I have the right to be angry because he dangled the idea in front of me that this relationship could become serious. He also claimed to be looking for the real thing and to not be a commitment phobe. We had a ton of conversations about how things could work between us. And he even said that he could work at this place right around the corner from me.

And for the record we would talk over the phone every other day and see each other once a week and he opened up to me and me to him.. I told him about my rapist, emotionally abusive ex and everything..... so, this is not a myspace relationship... it just has been this way in the last 24hrs. I'm 23yrs. old and he is 26, not a baby.

So, I guess I was stupid to think he was getting feelings for me huh? And I guess that I was supposed to magically know that he intended on leaving me regardless of if he loved me or not.... or that long distance dating just seems not to be an option no matter how long we date before he leaves. He could be stuck here another 4 months for all either one of us knows! And with this job market and him not living where he wants to work... this is very very highly likey. I make way more than he does right now and he can't afford to go anywhere. See what I'm saying? I could continue seeing this guy for like 8 months and then he's all of a sudden gonna get up and leave. That's what has all of a sudden occurred to me.


Please don't hold him up on a pedestal and make me out to be the one who's been vague a little dishonest. I'm the one who feels blind sided and unloved and heart broken. And as if some of my time has been wasted inorder for him to have companionship while he waits for a job to come his way.

[zazmsc]

Oh and thinker... yes... after a couple of months... things did get "physical". Part of me waiting was to make sure he was in it because he enjoyed being with me and that he wanted something real... and that he was not in it just for my body.. So do you see how after I tried to do everything the right way and was told certain things... how I could be a bit sad and angry now?

[thinker]

Sure, I say you are completely justified in the way you feel... On the one hand, I guess it is "nice" of him (in a jerk way) to be upfront with you; honestly I say that still makes him a jerk for wanting to end this becuase of that; he clearly is not as serious about this as you are, and frankly you deserve better. I think you also were smart with the "physical" thing... I was just worried in your earlier posts that it came too soon, but I can see you are wise and careful! Kudos

I completely understand that you are pissed off; I think he has been pulling you along for a bit now, and it would have been bigger of him to let you know earlier on (i.e. before you developed these serious feelings for him) that he will most likely want to dump you if he ever goed out of town... LDRs are tough, but by no means impossible, and if there are two equally committed people, then the distance is merely a nuisance (ok, a BIG one) but in your case, the guy sees no reason to "drag things on" and would probably keep you going even if he had another 4 months... I say you are very smart to demand to be treated better than that... noone deserves to be strung along like a little ragdoll until who knows when. All in all, I sympathize for you; this whole thing really sucks, and I don't think you deserve to be going through it. I completely think you are justified in how you feel, and can only offer you the comfort of knowing that you will only be stronger because of it, and hopefully the whole thing was not a waste of time I would be pissed as hell (a similar thing happened to me, not quite as abrupt though...) I'm really sorry this sort of thing happens to honest, loving people like you, that's life, eh? Just know that this means there is only someone better out there for you, and when you get the love back that you are giving, you will be all the happier

[vashti]

YOu know, it looks to me like you are looking for some sort of guarantee that things will work out the way you want them to before you enter a relationship, but that isn't the way love works. Love = risk.

If this guy was as in to you as you wanted, he would have tried to make things work with you, but honestly, it sounds like he isn't. He thinks you are a nice girl, but not the girl for him. I don't think that makes him a bastard. He tried to be honest with you, but tried to preserve your feelings at the same time. Did you really want him to say "sorry, I'm just not in to you"?

You are young. There will another guy for you - he just isn't the one.

[zazmsc]

Well this is to show you that maybe he is the one who doesn't know what he wants.... Just one week ago... he tried to get certain info. from me and told me " I would want to know some things before I got into a serious relationship with you, so I would rather know what you have to tell me now"---- I didn't imagine this. He has been talking about this whole serious relationship thing with me several times.... so I'm not sure that he's just not that into me. I know about that book. I think he just doesn't want to allow himself to get too attached to me b/c he know that he will most likely be leaving.

In fact he did actually say that now that I think about it..... Grrrr..... After remembering these things I actually do know why he is saying what he is saying, but I wish he didn't feel that has to choose btw. me and leaving.... But I understand that he probably does not want a long distance relationship.... although I guess I haven't exactly asked him about that yet..... Grrrr... I guess I should have, but I don't think he likes the idea...

I think when we first started dating he said that he didn't like that idea in general. I would try for a while though... and if I still loved him and by then he loved me then honestly I would pick up and move wherever he is... there is nothing... and I mean nothing keeping me here.

[vashti]

Listen, my friend. Wouldn't you RATHER have a guy who unambiguously wants you? Don't settle for someone who isn't positive. You are too young for that.

[zazmsc]

Yes I would rather have a guy like that.... but at the same time we have only been dating for 3 and 1/2 months... so I don't want him to choose now... I just want him to leave the possibility open for later... I guess that's really what I've been trying to say.... I just want to be a possibility and until Friday evening I thought it was.... although I haven't heard back from him yet, so... I think he's confused as am I.

[zazmsc]

Well Thinker and Henry... Now he just wants to be friends... and he says that he tought he was clear that the relationship was casual and that there was not a chance of it being anything else. Now I'm angry b/c I think he new what I was feeling and left that possibility out there to keep me around. Then when I said that I just didn't want to be drug into a friends with benefits situation with him without knowing it... he said.. that he didn't want to do that.

What I was trying to point out to him though... was that there was really no difference between dating casually with no future and a friends with benefits situation. ONE JUST HAS A MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT TITLE.

[zazmsc]

Well Thinker and Henry... Now he just wants to be friends... and he says that he Thought he was clear that the relationship was casual and that there was NOT a chance of it being anything else. Now I'm angry b/c I think he Knew what I was feeling and left that possibility out there to keep me around. I MEAN WHO WOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT BEING IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP OR STAYING AROUND JUST LAST WEEK! Then when I said that I just didn't want to be drug into a friends with benefits situation with him without knowing it... he said.. that he didn't want to do that because he thought I would feel used. I mean HELLO!

What I was trying to point out to him though... was that there was really NO difference between dating casually with NO future and being physical with me...... and a friends with benefits situation. ONE JUST HAS A MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT TITLE. Wouldn't you agree?

I mean he said that he thought that these were one of those situations were we just wound up being friends and now he wants to call me Tuesday and he wants to continue to call me and to hang out with me. He just seems to want everything his way. Now his language has changed from "I might move" to "I set on moving now" -- I just think that this all happened b/c of his desire to keep things the way they were and to not tell me the truth so that I would stick around. I mean if we met on Match.com com for christ's sake and I said I wanted a serious relationship... why would I agree to such a thing so easily... WELL I DIDN'T! I could get that anywhere. I'm a very attractive girl who has absolutely no problem attracting guys... I just wanted to find the RIGHT ONE.

So, yeah I'll talk to him for a little bit on Tuesday, but after that I'm not gonna let him talk to me anymore for a few weeks. And in the mean time I'm going to try to start that search for the one again. After he's done with school in 2 weeks and quits his job right after that and then is stuck here for a while (which will happen people)... then at least he'll have time to think for a change as my life goes on. If he's so concerned about me then, I'll leave him to worry for a little while. It's his turn. AND MIND YOU THAT THE ONLY REASON WE HAVE DECIDED ON THIS OR EVEN DISCUSSED THIS WAS BECAUSE I BROUGHT IT UP. He would have just keep this thing going and talking about a possible "future" with me and then just blind sided me in a few months.

You know what... I think b/c he is good at sugar coating that some folks here gave him way to much credit and so did I. Screw him.

[Henry123]

I mean he said that he thought that these were one of those situations were we just wound up being friends and now he wants to call me Tuesday and he wants to continue to call me and to hang out with me. He just seems to want everything his way. Now his language has changed from "I might move" to "I set on moving now" -- I just think that this all happened b/c of his desire to keep things the way they were and to not tell me the truth so that I would stick around.

Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you alright. Not a nice guy.

I'm a very attractive girl who has absolutely no problem attracting guys... I just wanted to find the RIGHT ONE.
..... Screw him.

I think thats the Best attitude. You handle this alot better than I would. Intuitively I know you will have no problems in meeting new people. I wish you good luck.