So Confused

[Sereena]

My boyfriend of almost 4 years told me just a week ago that he wants an open relationship. I was shocked. At most I thought he would suggest a small break to get away from each other and come back happy. Neither of us have been in a serious relationship before, and he says he can't commit to me anymore because he's unsure about being with me for the rest of his life. He says this feeling has come up before, but he always felt that he didn't want to give up what we had... not until now, I guess.

He broke up with me over 6 months ago for other reasons, but said he wanted to use this opportunity to date. Well, that lasted a week. He came back to me and we worked hard on our problems. Things went really well, then we hit a small snag, but I didn't worry about it too much. I just gave it time. After he got back from a week long road trip, he acted differently towards me. I gave him space, thinking it was due to stress, but a couple of days later, he sat me down to tell me the news.

I understand that he's unsure. After being with only me for 4 years, I don't think it's unusual to have doubts. And he wants to be sure that this feeling won't come back if he decides to stay with me. But I'm really unsure whether or not to go along with his suggestion or to break up. We've had a great relationship, and it's still been pretty good despite this surprise. He still loves me and wants me in his life, he just doesn't want me to be such a huge part of it right now. We'll still see each other a few times a month and go on dates and all that, but it will be a downgraded version of our relationship.

I don't have problems with him meeting other people and going on dates, I would only be upset if he got serious or slept with someone else (in which case, I'd probably leave.) This is obviously not what I want- I know I want to be with him -but up until yesterday I was feeling okay with this; more positive about it after we talked it over. But then something changed. I don't know what. Possibly the advice of a friend who went through an awful break up with her fiance. She told me to let him go and see what happens. If he's serious about it, he'll do it without me in his life. And if he really wants me, he'll come back, like last time.

He's a little impulsive, so I don't know how sure he is about this (I also don't know how succsessful he will be because he isn't very good with women- he almost didn't get me.) And I really need help breaking it off if that's what I decide, because we were together for so long... This would be devastating to me, and I don't know if I'd be strong enough to stay broken up. This just isn't enough to motivate me to rid him from my life. I would miss him so much, and it would be so hard for me to find someone else that special. He really is a great boyfriend, and I want to be together in the end.

I have a couple of weeks to decide. My mother is having major surgery tomorrow, and I don't want to decide this now, nor do I want to burden my family with this. I need to focus on them right now. I saw my boyfriend today and sort of let loose on him about this because I was so stressed. He kicked me out, and now he's probably not sure that this will work. This has made me lean even more towards breaking up. I expected him to be more understanding of my situation (because he has been so far)... I did sort of attack him, though. But hopefully he won't change his mind, especially since I would want to end it on my terms, not his.

Thanks to whoever reads this, I desperately tried to keep it shorter. Advice, and experiences would be a great help. Feel free to ask questions too, there's just too much to explain.

[Venacava]

I'm sorry but I didn't read all of it. As soon as I read "After only being with me 4 years"...I stopped. ONLY four years? If he's unsure after four years, then that is something to worry about. If there are doubts after two years then I could understand that. But 4 years is a commitment anyway, so what's he worried about?

[thinker]

Um... probably a good idea to get the whole story before commenting, no?

I read the whole thing and first I want to say that you are truly handling this so maturely like a true adult. Kudos... not many people are left like you

I have no idea what it is like to be with someone for 4 years... my longest wasnt even 2... so if I am underestimating things, I apologize.

I DO however sort of know what this is like; and can give you sort of an experience thing like you asked for My ex wanted sort of the same deal; to see other peolple; wasn't ready for a serious thing at the time; wanted to see what's out there before deciding on anyone specifically; I more or less told her it was all or nothing, and we broke up. Now, I can't say whether or not that was the right choice or not (in retrospect I wish I would have let her have some space, but I'm glad I stood my ground as I think it would be wrong to let oneself be put on the shelf so to speak...) Don't know if that helped at all... sorry

Hmm... you are really caught between a rock and a hard place right now; you don't want him to find someone else, obviously, but I assume you aren't so keen on him being out there at all, even the fact that he is looking for something else would kill me; but you are obviously more mature than I But, you also don't want to just put your life on hold until he figures himself out... I really can't say anything definitively here; no right/wrong way to go... just follow your heart (sorry, I know that is impossible, but ultimately it is the most important thing) and trust in yourself.

I would be a wreck if I were you right now... I don't understand how people can do this; why people want more and other things... I for one (and it sounds like you would agree) am the type that finds one person and MAKES them the right one; not like it's an objective feature that you need to go out and find... I don't understand how people can just be halfway; "I want you in my life, I just don't want you in all of it..." Again, I personally cannot handle the half-ass commitment; I would demand everything of nothing; at least for a while... I only say that because I do regret giving that ultimatum, though I'm sure I would have regretted not giving it as well! Sorry I'm not being helpful at all

In the couple of weeks you have to decide on this, I would take your time. Preferably away from him (though that seems contradictory, I think his presence would understandably cloud things a bit...) If you can handle "downgrading" your relationship for him, then that is better than totally cutting out 4 years of your life I would say... though personally I don't think I would be strong enough to do that... I assume he knows how torn you are right now? (since you attacked him a bit) Well, speaking as someone outside of this situation, I would say that HE is throwing a wrench in things and HE is risking you relationship; so either way, please do not take any of this out on yourself. Sometimes, people just do this; and he very well may come crawling back after a short time; but how many times will he do this in the future? SO many variables; give the decision as much isolated time as you can afford... I'm really sorry that good, loyal, honest peoploe like you have to go through this... If it helps, you can vent here Again, my sympathies are with you for dealing with this in an already rough time in your life. We would love to help however we can.

[vashti]

I read it, and I agree with venacava. Do you think he may have already met someone else, perhaps while he was away? That's what I'd be thinking...

[thinker]

I honestly don't think there is anything "behind the back" going on here... just an honest request to be sure he's with the right person... though I still don't agree with it I know what it's like to be honest in this sort of way, and it sounds like he actually is being honest, not making a free escape to be with someone else he already has in mind...

Well, I slept on it, and I would now recommend more strongly letting him do as he wishes... I know how much it hurts to see someone you love looking for something you want to give him in someone else... but well from my personal experiences anyways, I would advise that you would regret it much more if you just cut him out... there is no telling what the future will bring nor how long this "phase" of his will last; If you do truly love and want to be with him (as it sounds like you do) my opinion and personal advice would be to give him his space and take that pain over the pain of knowing you could had a part in getting rid of him for good... becuase that pain does not go away so easy, let me tell you! Hope that made sense...

[Gigabitch]

Sereena, it sounds pretty bleak. Ask yourself what you're willing to put up with. You draw the line at him sleeping with someone else, but how can you be sure about this? Have you really thought that through?

For me, the relationship would have been compromised when the words "Open Relationship" passed his lips, especially because you've broken up before.

I see a pattern emerging here.

I don't know if this will work for you, but what I would do is tell him that's just fine and start seeing other people myself. But then, I am a gigabitch.

Not a doormat.