was the dumper, now the dumpee. Seeking a chance. Applying NC. Need advice.

[Parky]

Sorry this is a long post. But please read all.

Me and my ex ended it 13th September (yes unlucky 13th ), after 1 and half years. I'm 20 she is 18. She basically ended it and i just agreed. Her reasons were that i was a changed person from when we first met, i started treating her badly, i was very selfish with money and my time, i wouldnt see her enough, i always spent my time on my computer and didnt want to see her.

Yes i admit to these statements...

I did treat her badly - i wouldnt buy her anything. However, i did buy take aways, meals, going to the cinema etc. What Laura wanted was for me to pay towards her car or car insurance which i didnt want to do. Laura should pay for that. I have to run my own car and pay for MOT, Tax etc.

Yes i am a changed person from when i first met her - isn't everyone?

Yes i was selfish with money. I'm currently building up my savings. Ok being 20, i have alot of money for a 20 year old. I'm saving for a deposit for a first house in a few years. I wasnt totally selfish as i did take her out to cinema etc. I'm a debt free student. I always said that if i had alot more money i wouldnt mind paying for anything Laura wanted. But at this moment in life, i couldnt just fork out to pay for something that big.

I wouldnt see her enough - Again i admit. At first i would see her everyday. As time went on, we started seeing less of each other. Until the point where i would just keep saying no no no, and go to my computer. I am a computer addict. I play games, surf the web etc etc. However, i'm doing a degree in computing, computers are my career.

I wouldnt share anything - Ok i did share, but only if we were good to each other. If we had an argument, i wouldnt share anything. If we were good, yes i would share.

Whenever Laura came round to my house, all i ever did was sit at my computer pretending Laura wasnt there. Ok bad mistake, i regret doing that. Laura would come round uninvited which used to whine me up. So that made me ignore her when she came round.

Laura said the main point of ending it, was because she didnt feel wanted, i didnt spend enough time with her and never saw her.

Ok, now that i have been dumped, i regret the above and wish to do the opposite in some cases, such as seeing her more and less time on computer.
While we was having a relationship, I have always been the dumper. Laura would always come crying to me, asking me for chances of having her back. Laura wouldnt leave me alone at all. This has happend a number of times during the relationship. Yes i loved her and Laura loved me. If i said right thats it i dont want to see you again, she wouldnt stop calling me, txt'n me, calling my house phone doing my parents head it, spending £30 worth of calls and txt's. Thats how soft Laura is. Laura did love me that much.

Anyhow, it came to the point where Laura finally dumped me. I didnt believe her at first and carried on as normal. Until i realised yes she was being deadly serious. I was so heartbroken, it felt like something was missing from my life - Her company and her showing me how much she loves me.

So i sat there and as you do, you think to yourself -

"what if i saw her more"
"what if i wasnt as selfish"
"what if i showed her she was wanted"
"what if this what if that blah"

And you regret every bad move you did during the relationship and wish you could change it.

So, i get the pen out, and start writing her a letter from my heart. I stated how much i loved her, how much i will change, how i will be a changed person and all that. I met her after work, she was surprised to see me. I showed her the letter. Laura started crying her eyes out. Laura said you won't change, you will be who you are.

So i let her go to her mums and went home. I kept phoning her, begging for forgivness, grieving, more begging, saying i will change etc. I did this for two days, the 14th and 15th(in morning). So i thought right, i'm not going to contact her again, i will initiate no contact, in order to heal, learn from my mistakes and try and move on.

Laura has asked me not to see, txt, call, and to leave her alone.
Laura said she still loves me, but not in love with me. Shes one of them clingy type of girls who never want to let you go. But obviously she has, and made a decision for her good. She said she can't eat or sleep. I feel the same.

It was a one sided relationship, we did everything on my terms, when i want what i want.

We was very serious and loving. I thought it would last forever. Obviously not. I respected her decision, it was for both of our goods. For laura, she wont have to feel like i feel now. For me, i can learn from the mistakes.

We both agreed to stay friends, however i will keep NC in position. We both also agreed to meet each other in 3 months, to catch up, and to see if another shot is worth it. I have assured Laura that i will take the 3 months as a break to learn from my mistakes and to correct them. I have stated that i will treat her better and will never do a bad mistake again.

We agreed to have a drink together no matter what situation we are in at the time, whether we have fully moved on or still heart broken.

After reading the bad points of the relationship, i wasnt THAT bad. We shared the most amazing memories together. I'd say it was more good to the bad. It was just towards the end where it crashed. I felt we probably got bored.

We gave each other more chances in the past. She said she deosnt want to carry on chance after chance so ended it.

I just hope these three months will make her realise she will want me back, and i hope she believes i will change and be a different person in three months when i've healed and learned from the mistakes i made.

To put Laura short. She is sweet, cute and caring. She is very needy, and very insecure. Laura is very very soft (this is her downside) when ever i ended it in the past, she wouldnt have it.
Laura has no friends apart from 2 people. She is a very lonely person, she lives with my sister. She didnt get on with her mum so she moved out ages ago. She has no family what so ever apart from her mum and 2 brothers. No uncles, grandmas no one. She stated in the past she wouldnt know what to do if she lost me, she wouldnt know where to go or what to do because of the lonelyness she would be in.

At the moment she is spending her time with the 2 friends she has. So my guess is this: If i initiate no contact for months, she will realise she has indeed no one to go to when her friends start college etc. She starts uni at the end of the month, however she's travelling there and back (around 1hr 30mins each way), so she wouldnt really make any new friends to keep.

I did care about Laura, i did want her, i just didnt act enough to show it. I did really love her. Now being the dumpee, i so want her back into my life, i want to prove i can be the nice person i once was.

Just some facts to cut this story short:-
1) We were loving and caring for each other. It was serious.
2) She agreed to see me in the future to go for a drink to see if a 2nd chance might work, she doesnt know if it will.
3) I did state i will change and use the time between now and the next meet to fix my self and learn.
4) Laura still loves me, but not in love.
5) I was the one that changed her life early on when she had trouble with her mother and other people.
6) She is the softest person i have met and get the feeling she may come crawling back to me sooner or later saying she regret the decision.
7) we gave each other more chances in the past. She said she deosnt want to carry on chance after chance so ended it.
8.) Laura starts university end of month. Almost no time to do anything or see anyone apart from me if we were together. Traveling 1hr 30 mins there and back 5 days a week. I start my second year degree next week.
9) She said she would like to continue her hobby of going to the cinema with me. I don't think i can do this unless she wants to get back with me. I guess i will leave it for a good month or 2 and reunite and see what happens from there onwards.
10) if it wasnt for me and my family, she wouldnt be where she is now. She didnt get on with her mum, and she lived with her ex boyfriend before me because she had no where to live. I was the one that reunited Laura and her mother.

But now i have lost her and feel the effect of being dumped and she is a big loss to me i wish i can change the past.

I really, really hope she comes back to me when she realises.
Whats your opinion and advice for a situation like the one i'm in now.

[vashti]

Let me start by saying I agree that you shouldn't be asked to pay for her car insurance, etc. under any circumstances, however everything else you wrote leads me to think that you were not a good boyfriend. (I realize you already admitted this.) The thing is, some mistakes can't be fixed.

You said you dumped her a few times, but after having a good pout, you would reconcile, only to dump her again at a later date. I view this sort of behavior as controlling and indicative that a person is not mature enough to handle a serious relationship, which in my opinion, is to be expected for a guy your age.

I think this girl may indeed be ready to move on. The thing guys don't understand is that before a girl actually verbalizes her intent to be separate from a guy, she very often has already moved on in her head and heart, and by then, it is too late for him to "fix" anything..

[Parky]

What about her loneliness? Will it strike her in the coming months? Also what about when we meet again 3 months down the road?

[vashti]

I think she may miss you from time to time, and you will miss her, but you will both learn to live without each other.

As for meeting up with her in three months, I wouldn't worry about that until the time comes. This may or may not happen. You may not even *want* to see her in three months, and vice-versa.

In the meantime, keep yourself busy. It will help you heal faster.

[Amena]

Hello,
I agree with Yashti's comments and also think that she shouldn't expect you to help her with her payments.
All the best to you and Laura...do pay more attention to the female in your next relationship!