Are "little white lies" ok

[AussieGuy37]

Hi all,

My partner and I have been together for just over a year...we are both in our mid 30's and are both divorced from our first spouses.

We have moved in together as yet...but do spend most of our time at either persons house and are planning to do the "move in" thing in the new year.

Recently we had a weekend away (we both have kids from our previous marriages) together without the kids...these occasions are very few and far between as we both have custody of our respective children.

Anyway, we went to a capital city about 2 hours drive from where we live to see a comedy show... I booked the tickets and she arranged the accommodation.

We got to our hotel and went for a walk around the city...she said that she wanted to go to a particular pub because she'd heard good things about it.

So, we got there...had a few drinks...the band there were good...things were really good...we decided to head back to our hotel...get changed and go back to the pub, have dinner there and then go to the show.

While we were there...she told me that she thought that the lead singer of the band was a guy she knew from school...an ex boyfriend from 14 years ago.

She then told me that they had broken up under bad circumstances (she cheated on him) and felt that she owed him an apology. I told her that if she really felt that she had to do it...then do it. I also asked her to question herself as to why she was apologising...was it because she was genuinely sorry or was it just to ease her own conscience...she wasn't sure.

Anyway...I wasn't jealous at all...this guy was from 14 years ago...so she decided to let sleeping dogs lie and to not go up to him.

I made a comment about it being a small world...and she agreed and said to me that she hoped I didn't think that she had planned to come here because he was there..I laughed and said "no way".

Anyway, to cut a long story short...last night I was at her house and was going through a pile of magazines...trying to find something to read while she was watching a show she enjoys on TV.... I came across one with a photo of this guy in it and a big article on him and when and where his band plays.

So, I then asked her if she knew that he was going to be there that night...she said no...so i showed her the magazine...she went bright red and admitted that she did know that he was going to be there.

I don't have an issue that she was curious to see what an old ex was doing and what he looked like...I'd probably be curious myself in i were in her position.

My problem is this... she lied to me...Once at the pub when she said that she did not know that he was going to be there and a second time last night when I asked her straight out if she knew he was going to be there. I know they are only little lies...but I would have preferred that she was honest with me.

Also...i now feel that our weekend away was tainted because she had an agenda...she booked accommodation close to the pub where he was playing and she was the one that wanted to go to this particular pub.

We spoke about this last night and she can see why I'm a little pissed off about it.

So, am I over re-acting??? are little white lies ok?

[Junket]

Little white lies can help hide big black lies.

[vashti]

I think of little white lies being more along the lines of:

Q - Does my as look fat?
A - No, dear. You look fantastic.

White lies are told to spare someone's feelings, not to get away with something. I think your anger is very justifiable. I think you should reconsider moving in with this woman since you have children you are responsible for. I don't think you know her as well as you thought you did, and I am thinking the odds are decent that she will have more white lies in store for you. You wouldn't want your kids to bond to her just to find out she makes a habit out of this sort of thing, would you?

This is a big red flag. I think you should just slow things down.

[Gigabitch]

This is a big red flag. I think you should just slow things down.

I agree, because she volunteered the little white lie. It didn't sound like you were pressing her about it at the pub, so why lie at all?

It's probably nothing, but don't move in togehter until you're sure. Maybe she's just stressing about moving in, come to think of it...

Is that possible?

And btw, do not discount the power of an old flame. I am getting hot and heavy with someone I broke up with 12 years ago. History matters.

[Painfulheart]

i think a positive is that she admitted it in the end

i think the lies that hurt most are the ones they someone keeps on denying

i can honestly see myself in her situation, wanting to see an ex, but with your current. Its not that she wants to rekindle something, but curiosity about a once close friend.

sadly your right that it taints the vacation, but just make sure the next trip away is more special, just the two of you

[Gigabitch]

Hopefully it isn't that poor guy you...mistreated?

No. He was pathetic. This one's quality.