Keeping in touch with her ex..

[Mac]

Hi All,

I have a general question for ya'all. Do you think it's disrespectful and inappropriate if your current partner keeps her ex 'around' - and why. If not - why? In my case she texts him frequently and it annoys me. She says he's a good friend, and I've seen the messages and they are some what innocent but I feel so let down by it all. As a sign of me committing to her, I don't commit to anyone else, nor do I 'disrespect' her by keeping any ex flames in the loop. I do this to make it 'easy' and 'proper' for her.

Personally I don't have any room for ex's when I am in a relationship - what's your thoughts?

PS: This isn't for you to debate my opinion, it's for me to see what the majority feel is 'correct'.

[King Zarathu]

K, some people are more jealous than others, and that's totally normal. It's part of being human.

Regarding the ex, I suggest just talking to your girl about it. Chances are, if you just let her know how it makes you feel, she'll have the courtesy to not talk to him when you're around.

Instead of saying, "Stop talking to him," say something along the lines of, "Don't talk to him when I'm around. It makes me feel insecure."

Done and done. Problem solved.

[dreamer101]

Hey zarathu, what going on? you reply .. its .. well .. not like your usual ones. i m disappointed :-)

mac, my opinion is that there should be no contact with ex, and there are no ifs and buts about it. if she even feels like contacting the ex, then thats a huge sign for me.

[Mac]

Thanks - just to clarify - I'm not particullarly jealous (as in, that's not the primary driving force - although as a guy I'll happily admit I do get jealous. As a side note she works with lots of guys and guy clients, and studies with lots of guys also so jealousy isn't an issue here). The driving force is that I have a certain 'rule' which she flouts. She knows I don't like it and we've talked about it. I know from past experiences that keeping an ex in the picture in any form has never been a good thing - and the vast majority of people I've asked agree.

I've asked her (given that she said he's a really good friend) if she'd choose "not him" or "me" - she said she wouldn't give up her friend.

So hit me with it - what's your thoughts?

[King Zarathu]

Hey zarathu, what going on? you reply .. its .. well .. not like your usual ones. i m disappointed :-)

I know. It's really late at night.

I've asked her (given that she said he's a really good friend) if she'd choose "not him" or "me" - she said she wouldn't give up her friend.

This sentence made no sense to me.

have a certain 'rule' which she flouts.

It isn't your job to place "rules." You're not her dad.

[dreamer101]

I've asked her (given that she said he's a really good friend) if she'd choose "not him" or "me" - she said she wouldn't give up her friend.

So hit me with it - what's your thoughts?

This behaviour would make me feel really insecure and make be heavly question her committment. I would make sure I do not get too heavly invested into the relationship until this is cleared up. [edit] these are my thoughts only. there are circumstances under which some people may allow friendship. i wouldn't. like if she was already friends with him before you met her.

but what are you here for? you know how you feel about it, and you say you have done all the talking, so are you here for validation about how you feel or for what you are about to do?

[King Zarathu]

..the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except the best ..

-- Henry Van Dyke

I don't understand this. Obviously, the woods would be silent. If there was only one bird who was able to sing, don't you think he would be busy NOT giving a shit about you? I mean, come on. It's not like the bird is going to just be like, "Holy shit! That's Dreamer! I need to go over there and sing for him."

No.

[dreamer101]

haha welcome bak to your normal self

the whole thing is a methaphor. it has got nothing to do with weather the bird sings for me or not OR weather they can sing or not.
the woods is a metaphor for the world today and we are the birds. and it is saying 'be yourself'.

[vashti]

Thanks - just to clarify - I'm not particullarly jealous (as in, that's not the primary driving force - although as a guy I'll happily admit I do get jealous. As a side note she works with lots of guys and guy clients, and studies with lots of guys also so jealousy isn't an issue here). The driving force is that I have a certain 'rule' which she flouts. She knows I don't like it and we've talked about it. I know from past experiences that keeping an ex in the picture in any form has never been a good thing - and the vast majority of people I've asked agree.

I've asked her (given that she said he's a really good friend) if she'd choose "not him" or "me" - she said she wouldn't give up her friend.

So hit me with it - what's your thoughts?

In my opinion, it doesn't really matter what everyone else thinks is acceptable. You either will or won't tolerate this behavior. If she says she would choose to be friends with her ex over keeping you, then I think you have a problem.

Overall, I guess for me, the question would hinge on the nature of their (dating) relationship, and the circumstances by which they broke it off. Also, it would be a matter of frequency. I might be okay with a chat every couple of months, but daily/weekly contact? No.

[Mac]

"Love is blind" I think pops into mind when I ask these questions. An outside perspective is good and I'm not afraid to ask when I have a question or three. Do I need validation? I think so - I want to know if my opinion is too tough or if I should be more flexible.

[Zach]

IMO I think that keeping your ex around is a very bad idea. In my previous relationship I would talk to my ex and I knew my girlfriend didn't like it so I was respectful to her and I cut off contact greatly. I only would talk to my ex every great once in a while. But being good friends with my ex would have cause unnecessary drama and problems. I loved my girlfriend enough to do this for her. So in the end, I would recommend keeping the ex mostly if not completely out of the picture. Good Luck.

[Mac]

It isn't your job to place "rules." You're not her dad.

1) Rubbish. Every relationship has rules. 2) I have a rule, not 'we'.

[TDurden]

I really don't get why everyone is so spazzy about the ex thing. Unless she's flirting with him I don't see a huge problem. I talk to my ex's and I'm still good friends with a few of them, there's no romance there though, it's just friendly. Frankly, unless she's given you a reason to believe that she's cheating on you or that she's still interested in her ex, the problem is yours, not hers.

[vashti]

Frankly, unless she's given you a reason to believe that she's cheating on you or that she's still interested in her ex, the problem is yours, not hers.

... which leads back to what *I* said. Either you will tolerate it, or you won't.