to tell or not to tell?

**Tiay** · 31-12-06, 01:23 AM

I haven't talked about my parents a lot on here... But I really need some quick advice on this, here it is;

My parents marriage hasn't been all that great recently. My philosophy on it is: I accept that what they do is not my decision, but it is also not my problem, and I don't deserve to be put in the middle. My mom has ****ing grabbed me with both hands and dragged me, kicking and screaming, into it. She's turned into a teenager right in front of my eyes, and has attempted to get me and my brother on her "side", which really disgusts us.

But anyway, here's the thing I need advice on:

I woke up a few hours earlier than usual today and while I was lying awake in bed, I overheard my mom talking on the phone to her sister, who she's going to visit. her flight leaves tomorrow evening.
She's going to meet up with someone. I've known for a while that there's men she meets up with in a social group kind of setting, I'm pretty sure nothing has "happened" yet but she keeps putting herself in positions where it might. One time, she even told me about some guy and his kids and how some guy told her he wanted to take her home and keep her, etc. She makes stupid jokes about not having to come back if my dad learns to cook while she's gone (which is silly, cos my dad is very domestic and often cooks)

but ANYWAY, she's going to meet with someone, and it's top secret because dad is "too jealous". Now, I know that I don't want to get dragged in. But i'm already in, by knowing this. I want to tell my dad. I need to tell my dad. I can't live knowing this secret.

so.. because i'm probably not thinking rationally right now.. ; are there any good reasons why I should keep my mouth shut, that I should consider before I go for it?? please let me know quickly, before I can't take it anymore.
(and no, i'm not going to make a big scene.)

**vashti** · 31-12-06, 01:30 AM

Aww, jeez. That is a tough one. Is your mother aware that you know? And what sort of relationship do you have with your parents? Is this behavior characteristic of her, or is this new behavior?

**Tiay** · 31-12-06, 01:46 AM

yeah :| I usually have a feeling of knowing what the right thing to do is, even if I don't want to do it. but here I just don't know, except that I want to NOT be the only one holding this secret.

No- she doesn't know. She lied to everyone. My brother did suggest talking to her.. but to what end? And isnt that getting involved even more? I don't want that.

Well.. her behaviour is "new", but actually it's been going on at least a year now. I feel kind of angry. I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't tell my bf, because he loves my family to death, and he'd have been almost as hurt/shocked as me.
I didn't even talk to my brother about it till very recently, and then we realised she'd been telling us the same things.

I was homeschooled, and my parents are pretty much always at home, so I have a good relationship with them. I've always been closer to my dad though, because we just seem to think in similar ways.

**Ellynn** · 31-12-06, 01:52 AM

I would confront your mother w/ the info you know. I mean hopefully you heard wrong or assumed wrong. I mean how would that look if you did and you started a fight between your mom an dad?

I remember overhearing something my mom said about my dad. It was very personal news and I was only 13 at the time. Instead of running to my dad I confronted my mom. It was then that I knew to stay out of it.

I know you want to do whats right and tell your Dad, but in this case, I think I would stay out of it. But, let your mom know how you feel about this.

**vashti** · 31-12-06, 01:55 AM

The thing is, hun, that I really don't believe that the spouse is genuinely surprised by this sort of thing all that often. How sure are you that he has absolutely no idea of what is going on? And if he knows about it, how do you expect him to react?

This is the thing. I know without a doubt that my husband would forgive me if I did something like this (not that I have, but his ex-wife did). In a case like that, I almost feel like it would be cruel to point it out because since there is a "witness" to his shame, you might be forcing him into taking some sort of action he might not otherwise choose to take. Know what I mean? Is it possible that your Dad already knows (on some level) and is choosing not to act?

I would talk straight to your mom, I think, and let her know what sort of impact her behavior is going to have on the way you look at her.

**Tiay** · 31-12-06, 02:21 AM

hm, you guys are right, I hadn't considered that. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know, though. I don't think he'd be sitting there grinning and booking her bus to the airport.
Then again; he's very level-headed. I know that even when they were having issues, he was still smiling and helping me proof-read my essay, if my mom had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't have picked up on anything.

so, i'll confront her..

here's what I suspect will happen;

1. she'll turn into a lovesick teen, treat me as her 'girlfriend' and talk about whatever guy it is this time, with no consideration of my point of view. I can't even keep track of them, there's at least three.

2. or, she'll turn wooden for a second, then say that it's nothing, and that she's only not telling dad because she doesn't want to make him worry, and that i better not tell him.

this'll be fun :|

**vashti** · 31-12-06, 02:27 AM

About your dad - you'd be surprised what people will put up with for the sake of having harmony for their children.

Don't let your mom make you her "buddy" in this matter. Be very blunt about how disgusting you find this behavior, tell her your brother knows (and is equally disgusted), and tell her it is going to ruin how you feel about her. Tell her if you ever hear another thing about it it, no matter how small, you WILL tell your dad.

**Ellynn** · 31-12-06, 02:33 AM

Originally Posted by vashti

About your dad - you'd be surprised what people will put up with for the sake of having harmony for their children.

Don't let your mom make you her "buddy" in this matter. Be very blunt about how disgusting you find this behavior, tell her your brother knows (and is equally disgusted), and tell her it is going to ruin how you feel about her. Tell her if you ever hear another thing about it it, no matter how small, you WILL tell your dad.

Ditto. Hopefully she will realize that....
-- She is being selfish by doing this to your father and putting YOU in this situation.
OR
--She will realize that she really is NOT happy with your father and will choose to tell him herself.

**vashti** · 31-12-06, 02:36 AM

...Or she might not want to risk alienating her daughter and will just settle down (or at least be more discreet)...

**Tiay** · 31-12-06, 02:53 AM

I like that plan, vash. god, this is all so damn unpleasant. It's not fair that she's made me dread graduating college. It's not fair that when my bf says "your mom is the best!" I can't say a ****ing thing.

**vashti** · 31-12-06, 02:55 AM

Originally Posted by Tiay

I like that plan, vash. god, this is all so damn unpleasant. It's not fair that she's made me dread graduating college. It's not fair that when my bf says "your mom is the best!" I can't say a ****ing thing.

Tell your mom this, sweety.

**Tiay** · 31-12-06, 03:06 AM

again, you're right. but there's not much she can do about it now short of building a time machine.

anachronistic · 31-12-06, 03:16 AM

aww tiay, i'm sorry...

**Tiay** · 31-12-06, 03:23 AM

aaah! it's all your fault for not keeping my up longer yesterday!! I'd have just slept over it then.

just kidding (: ..I wanted to get up earlier to work. So much for that. Haven't done anything other than sit in bed today..

anachronistic · 31-12-06, 03:27 AM

it is a ****in saturday. you should learn to enjoy your weekends, hun.

i would definitely tell your dad. i wouldnt let that shit happen between my parents.

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