Help. My pattern in screwing up relationships, how can I fix this!

[HaywiredSpirit]

Ok, this is a new one for you guys/gals.

The problem lies in me, mostly I'd say.

I notice when I start dating a girl I like. I pretend like I just don't care, and act cocky, funny, humorous, gentleman with a mix of a nice guy '*******'. This works great, and it's exactly me.

However, I noticed, after some time... if I start falling for the girl, I tend to get all 'anxious' up. Really bad at times. I would NEVER notice at the moment, and by the time I'm done sabotaging the relationship, only then would I sit back and see how I screwed it up.

I would start trusting the girl 100percent...as time goes on, i'd say about a month or after a few sexual encounters, something in my mind shifts, and start trying to 'find' things that are shady.

I notice I'll start wondering where she's at at this time or that time. Start getting images of her having an affair. Start wondering if her love for me is true. Etc.

Some relationships the girl might just be the prob..but I notice, EVEN if they are the one, with conclusive evidence in my face that they cheated or just playing the 'game', I find it somewhat hard to let it go. I just feel If I spended that amount of time developing the relationship, I need to stick around?

I've noticed this too. Some previous relationships I KNEW the girl wasnt for me, but stupid me, I would always stay thinking things would work themselves out.

Now, I've had some BAD firstime relationships in my life when I was younger, where it was actually them that really did me over. Is this somehow affecting all my future relationships?

Now I'm in my 30s. I'm going to come to terms to myself that I have some kind of anxiety. I tell you, when I start dating the girl, its all pure me and confidence, and the girl just loves me. But when I lose this 'power', it seems I start not getting confident, and start questioning things, over and over...and the girl gets fed up with this, saying it's a turn off or a sense of insecurity.

Problem is, I am a secured guy. My health and body are in pretty good shape. Where in the hell do these things come from? It seems once they implement themselves in my mind, they run me with fake thoughts or possibilities, always thinking negative scenarios.

I recently met a woman that is the dream of my life. I started this pattern and screwed up soemthings, we are on break right now.

After a month of so doing stuff like this, I actually sit down and realize it's almost like me becoming 'obsessive' with the girl, but I just dont get it!!

I really am a great guy but this anxiety/mode? I get in it's just crazy. Seems my mind just thinks and thinks till it blows up with crazy scenarios.

I need to stop this, and want to learn the right places to find healing for this.
I have no explanation. I start loving the girl, with great trust and beauty and in time, I lose that trust and start acting like a nut in a way, always questioning things. And at most times, I realize them right on the spot and know right then and there, that I set the path to screwing up the relationship.

How can I fix my self, my brain, my whatever
????

If anyone has any suggestions, by all means share them. I come here honest, and I am admitting the problem is ME. I dont want to blame no one, when it is me.

This process is screwing up my life totally. In every area. After a failed relationship because of my pattern, it seems I'm up and running in 2-3 months all superpowered and great. After a month of two, I start getting in the questioning/negative mode.. And even getting jealous a bit. And the more I go on, the more it gets worse, till the relationship is terminated. How the hell can I explain this??

I'm sure there are some guys out there like this, but are afraid to come forward.

Any responses appreciated in advanced.
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[TheSphinx]

How soon are you getting into an exclusive relationship with these women after dating them? You shouldn't even have these jealous thoughts when you are seeing a woman on casual dating terms.

She will most likely be seeing other guys. Getting upset about something like that will only hurt your success.

Why not capitalize on all of the strengths that you mentioned, (humor, good health, confident) and make her desire to have you as her exclusive man (if this is what you want)?

If you are simply dating, why not date a few other girls? That way, when you see that a girl, "isn't for you," it is not such a big deal to break things off with her (which is the right thing to do for the both of you).

Realize that women are not scarce! Even if the male/female ratio was 50/50, that would leave over 3 billion women on the planet!

If you think it's something more than this, look into counseling or if you are a do-it-yourself'er, research NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming).

You know what's happening here. It's just a matter of making up your mind to remedy it.

[HaywiredSpirit]

TheSphinx....

Exactly, I know exactly what's going on, so I know I can fix it. exactly how, is what I'm looking towards for.

True on not doing that when 'dating', but this happens also when I ask her to be my girl, and we are exclusive.

NLP, hmm, yes...I've been looking at Tony Robbins, he has some good techniques, however I need to actually start applying and doing it over and over till it gets embedded.

If you was to change this, what type of nlp routine would you do?

[TheSphinx]

I do not have any coaching experience associated with NLP, so I will leave the research and application to you, if you choose to do so. Try looking up a guide to writing affirmations, as they are easy and effective.

Hopefully you'll reach a point in life where you can simply enjoy the time you spend with women, and where their actions have little to no bearing on your personal happiness. Discover this, and I have a feeling that your current worries will quickly dissipate.

[Gigabitch]

I think you need a good course of cognitive therapy to deal with your mother issues. yeah, it will take a while and it's not for the emotionally cowardly, but think of the trouble you'll save in your future and the future of everyone you date from now on!

Your previous relationships are not where you learned to interact with women. That happened before you were in kindergarten. Yes, NLP might really help the behaviors, try that first, but if you want to solve the problem permanently, you have to get it out at the root.

My guess: you've had some experience with conditional love and you have control issues. Sound about right?

Disclaimer: Not only am I not a psychiatric professional, I am in no way qualified to throw stones, as I reside in a glass house.

[MVPlaya]

NLP is such faux-psychology. Anyway.

It seems the main problem is that you have difficulty controlling your emotions. I think to some extent you might have an unrealistic view of relationships/love, especially at a subconscious level. From what you're writing, you know how to interact with women and get them attracted to you, you seem to be particularly experienced in the first stages of the relationship, the pickup, establishing initial attraction, keeping her interested, but after you begin genuinely liking her, you start overinvesting your emotions.

It seems, from what I am reading, that once you decide you are attracted to a girl, that you have overblown feelings for her, to the point where she defines your reality. In other words, when originally your daily life constituted what was important to you, now she is the person that defines happiness in your life, and losing her appears devastating. This gives her far too much power in the relationship, and over your psychology, and it also burdens them. If a woman feels you are suddenly over-attached to them, they become worried that they now have to deal with your every worry, phobia, insecurity, and it kills their attraction to you since they enjoy your secure side.

What you need to do, rather than fake psychology and hypnosis, is to simply keep your emotions in check. It seems you have a good life, you have a balance in your life (and if you don't, you need to establish it), you are confident in yourself, and you don't rely on others to make you happy. When you begin to become attracted to a woman, you shouldn't let your feelings for her supercede your feelings for yourself. Your happiness should still be derived from your own life, and your attraction for the woman your with should be there to enhance your life. If you make your love for a woman the defining characteristic of your happiness, then you've thrown your emotional security off balance, and you begin having constant negative thoughts about whether you're doing the right thing, whether she's doing the right thing and is worth your emotional investment, and negative undertones start being sent in the relationship.

Next time you start feel the gears are switching from "dating" to "love of my life," take back control of the wheel and keep it in check.

[HaywiredSpirit]

Thanks for the responses. I downloaded some nlp pdf books, I'll check them out.

Damn, MVPlaya, that was some solid advice to the point, and sounds just about right how I get. I need to really get this undercontrol, I'm sure there are ton of guys out there exactly like this, but afraid to seek help.

I'm going to have to save MVPlaya post and reread that a few times, thanks!