Office Love? With a married Woman?

[looking4help]

I have a feeling this story has been told before but I thought I'd ask advice anyways...

I've been living with a woman for 7 years now. She is a great person but that "spark" hasnt been there in a long while. I've tried to get the spark back believe me. Weekend getaways, vacations, movies/dates etc... Nothing will revive the passion, the attraction, the spark....

So a month ago I start a new job in a very corporate setting. Immediatly I took notice to a woman in the office who sat just up from my desk. My first impression of here was "Wow she is pretty hot".... And for 3 weeks thats all I seen but I didnt persue it... Then on the 4th week I noticed a few signs she dropped me that she is interested and I acted on them. We ended up talking on MSN one night and she told me she is married but her relationship is lacking the same things mine is... I then told her mine is lacking this as well... I asked her if she is faithful to her husband and she said normally yes but sometimes she cant help it (meaning me which I soon found out)... She asked me if I am faithful to my common-law and I admitted I have slipped a time or two...

She then expressed she had interest in me and I to her... Well it has been hot an heavy in the office... Sneaking into boardrooms to fool around etc. Teasing and taunting eachother in our cubicals... We'd then leave the office at 4pm and sit in her car till 5:30 just talking, kissing and holding hands.

I however have developed a love for her. I know its too soon but there is something about her and I know its not lust. I told her I would go the next 6 months without sex with her just to prove its not lust...

She has feelings for me too but she said she doesnt know what they are yet as its too soon and she doesnt want to say something and end up being wrong later on and hurting me even more. However, I can tell from her kisses what she feels I think...

In the first few days of this relationship she kept telling me we're just something on the side and she isnt looking to change her home situation (and no she doesnt have kids) but now its different... She kisses me different and she has started saying "whatever happens happens" rather than Im just a thing on the side...

I guess what I'd like to know is what you would do and what do you recommend that could help me in this situation. I'd like to hear from people that agree and dissagree with the situation...

[Glyph]

Good lord, are you in over your head.

1. There is no - absolutely NO - reason why you should still be with your chick if you're aware there's no spark left and you're thinking of cheating (or already have). I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you have no kids. If so, then that's even LESS of a reason why you shouldn't still be with her. Man up and break it off with your current lady; chances are, if you feel the itch and that there's no spark, she probably does too. Either way, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on. That helps nothing.

2. This woman is married. Now, true, she's the one who has the responsibility to her spouse and not you, but in general it's just bad news. I mean, if you were truly interested in her, and if she DID ever leave her marriage for you - what makes you think you could trust her? You already know now that the moment the spark dies out of things (and it's always going to dim a little, in any relationship) that she's willing to step out on the man she's with. What makes you think she wouldn't do the same thing to you on down the road? And if there's no future in it - why on earth are you making things potentially a LOT more complicated for yourself and your mistress just for some casual sex?

3. Pardon the term, but you're truly shitting where you eat. Not only are you involving yourself with a married woman you work with, but you're doing it ON company time, ON company property. If you ever get caught, you're toast, she's toast, and it may likely lead to her husband finding out.

When she says "Whatever happens, happens", to me, it sounds like she's trying to keep you hanging on. If you're looking to better-deal your old lady, and she's not committing, she wants to keep you interested, but without giving you specifics. It's the exact same thing so many men do their women-on-the-side - string them along, keep them going, and be just ambiguous enough not to promise something you know you're never going to pony up.

This whole thing sounds positively toxic, and I can almost guarantee that something's going to turn out badly for you and her - whether you lose your job, have your old lady find out, or at the very least, have a distant and cold co-worker that makes your work environment unbearable (should things end messily).

If I were you, I'd try to find the quickest and easiest way to end things peacefully while you still can, and perhaps tell her to look you up if she ever gets the mettle to leave her current situation.

[The Great OV!!!]

So much deceit in this situation, some people have no shame, integrity, and respect for their loved ones. Claiming to have no spark for your spouse is one thing, it is actually very common...but to go behind her back and with no honesty love another woman...and try and hide it...that is disrespectful. This goes for your partner at work as well, I can't believe she thinks that she can just hopefully slip back into her previous life with out her husband ever knowing if things don't work with you, that shit makes me sick.

[looking4help]

The scary thing about this is I completely agree with you two. I know that nothing good can come from this and even if she left her husband and I left my girlfriend there would probably be a trust issue there since both of us are clearly cheaters.

We're both in our 30s and we're both very well educated. I would have thought that we both would be smart enough to not let this happen but I guess not.

Why is it that even though we both know what we're doing is wrong we can't walk away from it? I dont get it....

PS... To answer your question, There are no kids involved for either of us...

[The Great OV!!!]

Decision making has nothing to do with education and intelligence and is rather more linked to wisdom. I think you have to come clean with your girlfriend, that goes no matter what you decide to do with the girl at work. What sucks is that this far in no matter what you choose someone is going to get hurt, either your girlfriend, your new girl at work, or even you. Infatuation/love/crush is a powerful thing and it has seduced some of the most powerful and famous individuals into situations like these, I think the lying is a bigger issue then the new affair, IMO. I don't know what else to tell you, I think you pretty much know what you have to do and also what most likely will happen more or less.

[vashti]

Thanks god there are no kids involved. I think you should leave your girlfriend, this woman at work should leave her husband, and the two of you should make a life together. You sound like you both deserve a partner who has a history of running around.

OV - nice posts.

[Gigabitch]

Nothing good will come of lying. Ever. Get yourself into a position where you don't have to lie and see if you have anywhere near the same attraction for her.

IMO, you're both looking at each other as a life preserver in a sea of failed relationships. She can't save you. You can't save her. You will only hurt each other.

From here, you can both see 40. From 40, you can see forever (at least I think so- I'm not quite there, myself). I have some experience with misperceiving someone at the end of a doomed marriage. When the dust all settled, he wasn't at all what I had thought he was.

Don't do this.