How do I just get over it??

[Madolyn]

New here, but it seems like there's some great people here, so I thought I'd post and get some unbiased advice

Some quick background info:
I'm a 25 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We've been together for almost 5 years, living together for 4 and married for almost a year now. We have a 7 month old son together.

Ok I have a major problem... I am super distrustful of pretty much anybody/everybody. I had a horribly dysfunctional childhood (not an excuse but does shed some light on who I've become) and don't trust many people. I have this 'everyone's here to screw me over' mentality. I don't have a very good r/s with my family (drug abuse & alcoholism run rampant) and pretty much the only person I 'have' is my DH (and of course, now my son).

Problem is, I don't trust him, at all. He's done some pretty hurtful things to me in the past (never physical cheating, but having online r/s' with other women, telling them he was single when we were engaged; answering personal ads; crap like that) and I just don't know how to get over it. I married him fully knowing what he's put me through - I honestly believe he's done with that crap. I could just be naive, but I do believe him when he says he hasn't done anything wrong.

How do I get over the past? I've always been one to 'hold a grudge' against someone, so me feeling this way definitely isn't new. I hate feeling the way I do. Whenever we argue anymore, I always bring that crap up (and I realize I shouldn't, but my mindset is, if I just 'forget about it' then he'll think it's ok - like I have to keep 'punishing him' - I have no idea why I think that) and it's starting to take a toll on our r/s.

We don't have the $ right now for therapy (and I've tried the state's free counceling/sliding fee counceling and haven't been able to find someone that I feel comfortable with) and as soon as we get some extra $ therapy is at the top of the 'to do' list. Any books out there that could help me? Any ideas?

My DH is out of town right now on business and all week all I can think about is the horrible things he could be doing (with his laptop) to the point where I'm making myself sick with worry. I don't want to continue along like this... Help?

[anachronistic]

Why don't you ask him what's missing from your relationship that makes him do what he does?

When's the last time you caught him doing that?

I think he probably needs more counseling than you.

[vashti]

I don't think you should expect yourself to trust someone with a history like he has - he doesn't deserve it (yet), and frankly, it might even be dumb for you to trust him. You will build trust when he goes for a significant amount of time without doing something stupid.

That said, you have chosen to stay with him, so you are choosing to accept (on some level) his bad behavior. I suggest before you browbeat him about what an ass he is, you ask yourself if you are willing to jeapordize your son's family stability over the matter.