i have this pain in my chest and it makes me want to cry....

[lilperuvianboy]

months ago i used to go out with this girl named Analee we were good for a while and happy now i had another friend named Willianny and my bestfriend named Renzo.These 3 people were the closest people to me and was really happy.Things between me and Analee started turning sour and we got into lots of fights and once i found Analee and Renzo in one of her friends house without telling me, this made me think that they were seeing each other without me secretly.Well before that analee always used to be the violent type of girlfriend the one who always used to hit me, she was also a drama queen she made up a whole bunch of fake stories to make her life seem really bad so people would pity her.I was always jellous becouse she always wanted to bring him along and he always made some excuses to be with her alone.After figuring it out i started lying to myself but my mind wouldnt let me and i entered depression i couldnt eat and felt like throwing up everytime i did.So analee broke up with me i cried and when i started getting better she told me she was going out with my bestfriend renzo.I've felt really bad since i let it happen i called her and screamed at her and told her what was her problem i've felt so bad my depression got even worse and i didnt go to school for about a week becouse i felt so angry the thing is i miss him more then her we used to be real close we would tell each other everything and mess around with each other but apparently he 'loved" her.In school she started saying shit about me saying that she hated me and that i just used her for sex.I even got harrased by Analee and Renzo and a whole bunch of her friends like getting slapped and got paper thrown at me and being called an user and saying i was going out with a slut, saying i raped her(which wasnt true since she had a whole bunch of physical problems that wouldnt allow us to have sex plus i have a sexual problem that i can control but makes sex almost impossible without a willing partner) She said that i literally raped her which wasnt true and i was kinda suicidal all i had was Willianny, my love and only love.She was with me to listen to my problems and be with kindness turned to love and i started to fall in love with her and we went out.Of course Analee didnt allow me to be happy and she told Willianny that i made fun of her behind her back and that i called her names and stuff which i really didnt do.She got really mad at me but thanks to her friend she saw me as her lover again and we were happy again.Those memories walking in the beach hanging out in her house playing with her brother those are the happiest memories of my life i will die happy if i remenber those memories.We blocked out analee and renzo from our lives and continued on with our own but Willianny was always so unfair with her close friends, once she got a phone call home from school and her step-dad drove her to school and she was all sad and moody at me for no reason and the thing is she wouldnt tell me why, i've felt so bad i cried alot for her i still do i love her.She just drove me away and away until i couldnt anymore and i broke up with her becouse she wouldnt even hug me anymore or hang out with me anymore i thought she wanted me to break up with her.We promised to each other we'd be bestfriend no matter what i guess we forgot that.So when i broke up with her she was happy again like thats what she wanted all along.She was so unfair like she'd be happy with all her friend then she'd see me and get angry for no reason and that made me feel real bad.We were friends for a while until i made alot of love notes and even a book to her even a 120$ ring for valentine's day and lots and lots of teddy bears.One day while taking her to her class we passed the school's psychologist office and i told her to go in, so she did i waited to her and when she came out she was all sad and she told me she might have a mental disorder, i think its called Bipolar disorder or something but i didnt care i wanted her back no matter how she was or what she had.Finally she took me back but things werent the same, she didnt want to hug me or kiss me when we were together we didnt even kiss more then 4 times during our second time together.One day she didnt go online at all or even bothered to call me "her bf" i had to call her and when i asked her where she was she told me she didnt want to tell me cuz i'd get mad cuz i get mad when its something bad.As a bf i thought of the worst i thought she was with some other guy or something i dont know then in school there was this dance.I thought this is the chance for me to shine! Im going to make her love me again this night is gonna be our night and noone will take it away for one night we'll be happy like before, it was one of those stupid "girls ask the guys out" i was waiting for her to ask me out i had the money for the suit i was gonna wear i had everything planned out i had the words everything but... she didnt ask me... then in school she went "you know who i want to take to the dance?" , i got so happy my hopes were high i had a big smile on my face then she said "noone im going with just friend i aint taking any boy, boys suck" for the first time i was about to cry so i just left her walking to her class alone i just walked out on her, i did this two times that day before she said something to make me feel even worse so i left.Then she had the nerve to call me from school to ask me a stupid question, i felt so mad couldnt she have the comon sense or at least care about me or my feelings to notice im really down since i was just done crying thinking i made her feel bad, so i hung up and called her again and started screaming at her "HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY FOR GODS SAKE I CANT TAKE YOU ANYMORE YOUR TOO DIFFERENT YOU KNOW WHAT FORGET YOU" and i hung up.

[lilperuvianboy]

Then she went online and we started talking and stuff, i never ment to break up with her i tried to watch my words so i wouldnt say something that would make her want to REALLY break up with me but she still did.In school i just ignored her becouse i was kinda ashamed of myself for doing that althought i regreted it and everytime i saw her my stomach turned.Then we talked online and we started hanging out in school but she would never want me to stay afterschool with her again, never again i would stay afterschool with my love.We started talking again but it wasnt the same she was really cold with me now she was kinda ignoring me.It was like i never wnet out with her i felt really bad i thought she didnt take our relationship seriously.In a desperate feat to get some attention from her i started to annoy her a bit, things like saying "IDC" to what ever she said but just playing around it was obvious i cared, also saying "thats lame" to something she did but she got so mad at me and started to hit me but not so hard.After a while i started getting more brutal with what i said i would even notice it, it was becouse i felt so used by her i felt like she never took our love seriously and that she didnt care about me at all.I thought to myself , i dont deserve this i dont deserve my crying i dont deserve her bicthyness i dont deserve her being cold to me, how wrong i was.I was trying to get some payback for all the tears and all the nights crying myself to sleep she made me suffer.Another thing is that she was so cold now she was always cold but not like this she would watch her words around me but now she didnt and i didnt eather.We got in a couple of fights lately but today i was just like pushing her a bit like bumping into her and kinda contradicting her becouse she was being unfair to her friend i just kinda defended her so she started hitting me with a waterbottle didnt hurt much just hit me on the side but then she hit me in the face with it purpusely, it wasnt like it hurt me to the point of crying but just the thought that she did that made me so mad if it was anyone else i would have punched them in the face.So i went to my class kinda sad and upset and when the bell rung i quickly got up and went to see her.. she was like nothing happended she was laughing and playing around like she didnt care she'd hurt me she'd didnt care i cried for a bit.I went to my next class which luckily was a skills class with only one person and i hit the desk and started screaming curses at nothing (there was only one guy in the room) and punching the seats.Then i came home and ignored her online we werent talking and she talked to me saying she was sorry but i deserved it becouse i was being annoying.I was so mad at that point how could i deserve to get hit cuz i just bumped someone to joke around with them? she has a short fuse like that or its her bipolar thing idk.So we started cursing i felt like crying and a tear or two rolled down my cheek today.Then she said she was gonna block me and not talk to me again and she did so i called her to say i sorry but... she was ok she was kinda laughing and joking around and being happy and i hate her for that i started cursing at her instead of saying sorry and she was still happy she said she hated me and i was so mad today was the maddest i've been with her i told her to go die and it would make everyone happy not to have to support you all the time and to go kill herself i feel really stupid i told her to burn in hell etc etc... then i asked her.. What is the worst thing i ever did to you that wasnt caused by you making me mad... she couldnt answer... she knew there wasnt a real bad reason.So she got mad after i keeped asking for an answer and hung up on me now she hates me i screwed over the most beautiful thing that ever happended to me and i cry for that.Im about to go to bed with this hole in my chest that feels like something is pressing down on it.I feel like grabbing a knife and putting it in my chest so i would stop this immense pain that i have.I want to kill myself im not very popular i dont have alot of friends all i do is sit on my comp or just mess around with the small group of friend i have.Now i have lost my bestfriend and nothing can make her come back.I feel so alone so unloved by everyone so unhappy with my life i want to kill myself.So people in this forum this is my story, my name is alex and im a 15 year old boy who only had 3 girlfriends in his life 2 which turned out to be the worst things to ever happen to him.Now im going to sleep i hope i get response's by the time i come back from school tomorrow.Thank you for listening goodnight sweet dreams

[anachronistic]

dude, that's a ****ed up story. you shouldn't be hanging out with such abusive people.

get new friends- there are better people in the world.

take a break from women for a while. allow yourself to recuperate from all this. it sounds like it was pretty tough.

15 is a difficult age for many people. when i was 15 i didn't have any girlfriends. you're not alone. there are many guys who are just as shy as you and aren't very popular. putting a knife to your chest and thinking about killing yourself is nonsensical. put the knife down, calm the **** down, and just walk away from the situation.

don't talk to your abusive friends, okay? i also suggest you go to the school counselor or your parents and request seeing a counselor. i went through some tough times in high school, too. it was nice to have someone to talk to, and he helped a lot.

and if you need someone to talk to, my aim sn is jonesville3189 but i am going on my senior trip and will not be available until sunday evening this week.

until then, take care.

[The Great OV!!!]

Hahaha at anyone who reads all that.

[clynn]

That was a lot of text, incomplete sentences and all basically one solid paragraph. It made it very difficult to read!

I did, though.

Take care of yourself, and follow lilwing's advice. Stay away from abusive people and find someone, such as a teacher or school counselor to talk to.

It will get better!

[Gigabitch]

Hi Alex,

Yeah, that was really hard to read. Next time, do paragraphs. They have those in Spanish and I know it, so you can do this.

I'm sorry your heart is in shreds. Clynn is right, it will get better. Keep posting, and that will help you work it out.

[lilperuvianboy]

im sorry for posting in long paragraph's but i was so upset and heartbroken i didnt really give a damn about my grammar or my puntiation.So today she gave me back a 120$ necklace i bought her for valentine's day and that was about it for today didnt even talk to her or see her.

[Junket]

im sorry for posting in long paragraph's but i was so upset and heartbroken i didnt really give a damn about my grammar or my puntiation.

Well guess what, we're neither upset or heartbroken, as a result, we give a damn about your grammar and your punctuation.

You're lucky those people gave you advice at all.

I can tell you right now you're missing out on plenty more useful advice simply because of the layout of your story.