Always attracted to broken women.. and this time I really want it to work..

[WiglyWorm]

Hi guys.. first post, go easy on me.

I've got this problem, which I [not so] lovingly refer to as "wounded dove syndrome". Without fail, I always find myself attracted to women with emotional scarring of some sort. Most frequently, it's women who have been in, or are in, an abusive relationship with someone else.

It's just the type of guy I am. I find myself wanting to help them escape that vicious cycle of abuse. I can see they need a friend, and I try to be that for them. Of course, that level of emotional investment usually ends up with me falling for them.

That brings me to my specific situation. Which is slightly different.... but not entirely.

I recently got back in contact with a woman I dated back in high school. I had had feelings for her since we broke up. And it turns out that she had had feelings for me as well. It had been seven years since we dated, and we've both been thinking about the other on a regular basis since then.

I'd have been attracted to her no matter what. Just so happens, though, that she was presently in -and trying to get out of- an abusive relationship. We got her through that, and gave her some time to get over that.. or tried to give her some time. We weren't too successful in terms of supressing our mutual desire to be together.

We've been dating for 6 months now, and it seems like at least 4 months of that have been her being involved in some form with her previous abuser.

She had been talking to him still for a couple weeks of our relationship. Then she got fed up with how he was treating her. Verbally assaulting her over the phone, trying to make her feel guilty, etc. Finally, she decided to stop. A decision that had my full backing (obviously).

A month or so later, she decided to get back in contact with him. She seemed to always have this hope that just maybe he's changed. Just maybe they can be friends...

Anyway, their friendship became more stable (the honeymoon phase all over again ), and they actually planned an activity together. They went to a Lewis Black show....

She realized a couple days before the event (they had planned it well ahead of time) just what he was about. Messing with her head, trying to make her jealous, trying to wreck her relationship with me. She went to the show anyway, but told me she wasn't going to go out and make plans with him anymore... but she wasn't going to let his presence stop her from having a good time (they have a mutual circle of friends).

So.. few weeks after that (last weekend), she goes down to visit her friends in a city about an hour away (where she used to live, where her friends are, where he lives). She got sloshed at a bar, and they made out a bit.

She told me when she came home exactly what happens (and I am 100% certain she told me the whole truth, that it was just kissing). She told me how bad it made her feel, she told me that she wasn't ever going to talk to him, and that nothing like this will happen again. She volunteered to not talk to him again. I was still in stunned silence from the revelation, and she said it all as basically one sentence.

Okay.. she was drunk. Fine. I give her a little leeway there. She was completely honest, and told me right away. I figured I can get over it. It hurt like hell, it still does.

Thing is... she's still talking to him. And hiding it from me. I found that out last night and confronted her. She says she'll stop, and that she knew it would hurt me, but for some reason she still did.. and then hid it from me because she was too ashamed/too afraid of hurting me again.

Now.. here's the problem:

I have that wounded dove syndrome. I've seen women go through this before, and I know he has alot of control over her that she can't help. I don't absolve her of blame completely.. but I do somewhat.

Ordinarily, I'd have thrown in the towel by this point, but other than the stress I've just detailed... I absolutely love her more than anything. We are completely compatible, and being with her makes the most mundane crap fun... and the fun stuff absolutely heaven.

However.. I don't know how much more of this I can take... and I don't know what I can do to help her stop this self destructive spiral she seems to be on. I desperately want to, though.




Edit: oh yeah...
I'm 24, and she's 23.

[vashti]

Here is my take on both of you.

She, in a warped kind of way, chooses abusive men in hopes of changing them. If she can't change them, people will see her as the long-suffering victim, and she will gain people's sympathy, and people will think of her as a "good" girl. If she DOES change him, then she gets to be a hero.

You choose abused women because you hope to change them. If you can't change them, people will see you as a long-suffering victim, and you will gain people's sympathy and be seen as the "good guy". If you DO change them, then you get to be a hero.

Both of you are in win/win situations, as warped as they may be, and you both have the same emotional makeup.. Don't you wonder what sort of identity you would make for yourself with an emotionally healthy girl? Of course, it would be harder to be the "good guy" if you chose a healthy girl...