Getting my boyfriend back - please help!

[Selphie142]

Sorry about the longness... I think it's necessary to give some background:

My boyfriend broke up with me on monday due to me hurting his family. (I walked out on them without saying goodbye on the 10th when I got frustrated about getting some of my stuff back to mine.) He came with me back to mine. We spent the tues to friday together, watching tv, going out and doing romantic things like bathing together. I cried when he left on the Friday and gave him a sock of mine which smell of me and he was overjoyed to have a memory of me to take back. He also reassured me and didn't want to leave.

We had talked about the incident numerous times while we were together and I had apologised to him and explained my reasonings behind it. He seemed to forgive me.

On the Monday morning he texted me with his usual "hope you slept okay", "load you loads" message with <3 and xxx too. I asked if we were to speak during his break and he said "sure ttyl xxx <3". However, during the converstation at lunch I got angry at the fact that he had spoken to his mother about my plans at university (I wanted to leave). I didn't want her advice and I said that I was thinking of not telling him certain things if he was going to tell his mum and that I didn't want her advice (unfortunatly, due to my anger I told him that I wanted her to "sod off" or in such words).

In the afternoon, after work, he rang me and told me that I'd really hurt his family and so really hurt him and that our relationship wouldn't work. Of course I burst into tears and begged for him to give me a second chance and that I would make amends. He told me that he had to be strong and say no about it. He also cried.

A few days later I once again begged for him back and he said that he didn't love me anymore but we could still be friends. I actually asked if we could at least be friends (trying to re-emphasis his point about it) and he said "totally".

I'm feeling better now and want to start doing some things together like going for some drinks, but he keeps telling me that he needs time. He's given all my stuff back, including photos of us and doodles he had on his wall. He also says that he's got rid of all the photos of us. Also on his myspace page he changed his marital status to "single" and said that he was there for serious relationships, dating as well as the friends and networking that he'd had on there before.

I've apologised to his mother about my behaviour (she seems to be the only one bothered by the incident at his apart from my ex). I'm not sure if she's forgiven me or trying to forgive me, but I think that she's going to play a major factor with my ex. If I can get in her good books, I'll have a good chance with my ex.

I've read guides about getting your boyfriend back and they all say "give him space", "make him want you", "play hard to get", "don't talk to him" etc etc... but we live 45min public transport journey away needing a train and bus. I'm afraid that because of the distance between us we're not going to really meet up and we're going to drift apart and that he'll meet someone else! I really want to get back together. We were madly in love before the incident on tuesday and he says that he'd only hated the last week (which was after the incident).

Please help!

P.s. Not sure if this is relevent but I'll mention it anyway. He used to have long thick shoulder length hair which had been highlighted (it turned orange after a few months though). Now he's cut it off and got a short spikey hair look. He knew I loved his long hair. When I asked about it he said that it was getting annoying (he had frequently said that he didn't like it going in his eyes and it wasn't long enough to tie back yet). He also said it was better when he was working (we works with young children). I think that he may have done it for me as I prefered his long hair!

I also think that he's been smoking more than usual. He used to have the odd cigarette when life got too hard... like when he'd had a hard day at work or if he'd had an arguement at home. I saw him today when I dropped some more of his stuff off and I saw a pack by his stuff. I've hardly seen him with a pack on him... he normally leaves them at home.

Anyone know what this could mean?!

[vashti]

I'm not sure what you did exactly that concerned his mother because your post was unclear. It *looks* like you were rude to them. Naturally, when you are rude, you can't expect people to embrace you. Also, if you really love someone, you tend to be on your best behavior when you meet with their family, so your rudeness is especially curious. Honestly, I wouldn't want my son to bring home a girl like that either.

I don't know that you can fix this with his family. They have already seen your "dark side", so to pretend to be a sweet little kitten at this point won't be convincing. Also, if you were rude, I seriously doubt that mom was the only one who noticed.

Sorry.

[Selphie142]

well, I've spoken to both his sisters and they're okay with me... his grandparents (who were there) are okay with me. It's just his mum and him that are the problem.

I was rude. I find social situations hard and I always tried to be nice. I also have a quick temper and small things tend to get me wound up. That's why I got in a mood. I was trying to distance myself from them so that I didn't have them in the place for me to snap at them. Although that seems like the course of action I should've taken... it might've been easier to handle. Maybe not.

Thanks for your input.

[vashti]

I realize you regret your rudeness now, but I can't help but notice that you seem to have a bit of hostility towards his mother, as if SHE were the problem because she doesn't get with YOUR program. I find that people are generally much more accepting of my apologies when I am not expecting them to just "get over it" because I think think they should. She may be interpretting your demeanor as trivializing the incident.

Did you know these people prior to this incident? If you apologized, and she is refusing to accept, I am guessing this event was just the straw that broke the camel's back, and she didn't like you even before this happened. If this was the first time you ever met them, I don't see how you will be able to recover.

[Selphie142]

I do have some hostility towards her but only because she seemed to be interfering with our relationship. My ex listens a lot to his mother's advice and I respect that. They're really close and it would be unreasonable to think that they didn't talk about things. My boyfriend didn't see that I didn't like having his mother's advice the whole time and the time I told him this was the monday we broke up. Unfortunatly I had got wound up about the subject and said it in the way that I shouldn't have.

I knew her before. I've known them ever since my ex and I were going out (we started dating in sept). We could always sit and have a converstation about anything. I think she just felt hostility towards me for entering the scene and "taking her son away from her" so to speak. I know she holds a grudge for a long time... so I'm hoping that my apology has got through to her and I'm just waiting for her to calm down. Although, thinking about it... she's not not accepted my apology; she's not said either way... but I know she threw out the sorry I card I sent. I more recently apologised in person and gave her some chocolates to say thank you for everything she and the family did for me. She gave me a semi hug (I say semi as she was holding stuff and both her arms were not free. Not sure if she'd've done the same if they were both free.)

I have to admit with things like these, they take time. I'm not going to force them to like me, or to accept my apology. I'm also prepared to not have it accepted. Obviously that would be sad... but realistic. I'm hoping for the best.

[Gigabitch]

I think the best, in this case, is going to be mutual tolerance. You will never be great friends with her.

You'll never get rid of her either. Are you sure he's worth it? He certainly didn't have a hard time just letting you go, did he?

[Selphie142]

I know I'm not going to be great friends with her and I know she'll always be around. I think he's worth it... we had lots of great times together and I love the way that he treated me; there's not one negative thing I could say about him.

I know it looks like he didn't have a hard time letting me go... but the fact he cried on the phone to me when he broke up with me and the fact that he stated he had to be strong about not letting me have a second chance kinda makes me think that it's a move he regrets but feels is necessary to stop himself and his family from getting hurt.

Most people, including my ex, say that I should learn from this and use it later in life. I have totally learnt from it... but my ex won't let me prove it. I only asked for one more chance. If it had not worked after that, then I know that I really wasn't meant to be with him.

[clynn]

Sometimes when a person has moved on, there is no chaning their feelings.

[Ath]

I support second chances, as long as they are for the right reasons. Either way, you'll come out of this a better, stronger person. Keep us updated.

-Ath

[Selphie142]

I went to the doctors today and he said I'm suffering from some depression and anxiety, which he reckons I've had for a long time. He also thinks I could have "social phobia". I'm kinda thinking that this is why I acted like I did with my boyfriend and his family.

I want to tell him about it, but I don't want to make it sound like an excuse for what I did. Any ideas?

EDIT: The doctor's also precribed me some medication for depression.

[Gigabitch]

Be careful with medication. Do a LOT of research- medication is being prescribed in a very irresponsible fashion these days (well, I guess it always was, really). Some people really need it, some people don't.

If there is any way you can get through these issues without the meds, please do it. Meds address the symptom, not the problem.

[Selphie142]

Well, my dad's a doctor, so he can help me with the background of the stuff I'm taking. I don't want to take it for a long time, I just want it to help lift me out of my depression so that I can start addressing the problems I have that cause it... It's a cycle - I have no friends, so I don't wanna go out and make friends... so I have no friends.

Any idea how I could tell my ex-boyfriend about it? I'm worried that he'll see it as an excuse for my actions and still not want me. I'm not going to use this as a way to get my boyfriend back, but I hope that he might be more forgiving of what I did.

[Gigabitch]

IMO, you need to stop focusing on him for awhile. You've got some things to take care of and he's a big distraction.

If you really need him to know what's going on with you, try to foster a closer friendship with a mutual aquaintance. He'll hear about you without you telling him. It'll give him a chance to miss you.

[Bogi]

sometimes when a guy breaks up with you... he'll never tell you the REAL reason. I never do.

Seems silly to break up with someone over a little fight with the family IMO. And if he REALLY did... then he's not much of a man anyway and you're better off without him.

Regardless... there's no way to change someone's feelings. I think there's more to it he hasn't told you... and WONT tell you to spare your feelings... and you know what? It's probabbly better that way.

Just do your own thing and you'll find someone else

[Marcel]

You really love the man ? Go apologise to his family...that would be a proof of your true love for him. There is nothing much else to do.