Married but in love with Ex Wife

[JackPhillips]

Ok...first off, let me just get this out of the way.

I was a dog and left the most perfect woman in the world. She was giving, caring, a great mom, a loyal and faithful wife...and she would never leave me.

The one thing she wasn't...a tiger in bed.

I married my ex wife when we were both 20. She was pregnant with my now college aged son. We started out with 4 months to really get to know each other, forced together quickly before the screaming and crying of a new baby came into the home. We were young...we were alone...and it was hard. Eventually, we started getting things going, and moved into a house where we then had another baby. My now 15 year old daughter. Then, a few years later, we built our "dream" home, and another son was born.

My wife worked this whole time...and it was hard on her, but she did it. She was working full time, and still taking care of our kids with every extra second. She cleaned the home, she kept the kids clean, and made our house a home.

She was not the kind of woman to show feelings...and eventually, between not being a sexual tiger, and being non-emotional...it was VERY easy for a woman to tempt me with having an affair.

I had one affair for about 2 weeks...and ended that. Then, I didn't do anything for a couple of years...eventually, I started noticing other women...and I probably had 6 or 7 affairs. My ex wife knew about a few of them...and she tells me now, that she didn't care at that time, because I was coming home to her, and loving her. She knew that she couldn't give me the sex that I wanted, so she just figured I would get it from somewhere else.

WOW...we both were SCREWED UP!

After a while, I thought that SEX=LOVE. Of course now being 40 years old, I know that SEX=LUST. It was a scary road I went down, and eventually I left my ex wife after 10 years of marriage to follow after my now current wife. Yes, my wife is an animal in bed, and she is emotional...TOO emotional. Pissed 1/2 the time and crying the other 1/2. I can't do anything right. I have been WITH her for 8 years...married for 4.

I do believe God used this time in my life, to show me what a complete and total JERK I am, and that I need to grow up. I have been "through the ringer" as some people might say. I know what love is, and it truly isn't about sex. Yes, sex is PART of a relationship, but not about loving someone.

I remember standing in front of her and her family saying "I DO" and thinking, "I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT!". I still did it. Be it the pressure from friends and family, or just the fact that I felt like I couldn't turn back at this point.

6 months into the relationship, it was fight, after fight, after fight. So, to fix it...Hey sweetie (her words)...let's have a BABY! That will make us ALL Better, and we will be a BIG HAPPY FAMILY!

OH MY GOODNESS. Yes, 10 months later, my now 3 year old son is in the world.

So, to sum up. I am married to a woman that is controlling, manipulative, and angry. She loves my son more than me, and puts him first ALWAYS. At night, she goes to the bedroom, I go to the front room. She falls asleep, I come in and get into bed. Sex? Oh about once a month...and then if I beg. I have a WONDERFUL son with her...but, really...it is the ONLY thing I have in common.

Then, my ex wife...who I see at least 2 or 3 times a week, because of my other 3 kids...is just PERFECT! I look at her and she is amazing. She tells me she loves me...that she would like to be a family again.

What would you all do?

Well...let me give you one MORE piece of the pie. My ex wife has been single for 8 years. She was waiting for me to come back to her. After 6 years, she started giving up, and began dating. She has had a couple of serious boyfriends...but now she is in a PRETTY serious relationship, that she has been in for 9 months. She tells me she isn't sure what she wants...but for me to wait and be patient...that she needs to see this thing through with him, before she can do anything with me.

This is where I am lost.

Would you wait and stay with the wife? Would you leave the wife and wait? Should I even WANT to be with the ex wife? Should I be busting my butt to make it work with my wife right now and just forget about the ex?

I can't figure out what I should do. What I DO know, is that I am VERY much in love with my ex wife. I have NEVER felt this way before, about anyone...and this feeling hasn't changed in about a year (except maybe growing more). I also know what it is to love now...that it is about that "comfortable" kind of love...where two people SHARE their lives. It is about giving 100%, and not expecting anything in return. Where did I learn this? From watching my ex wife for 10 years.

My ex and I would be perfect together...

But, should I just give up on the dream of being with her, and SOMEHOW make myself fall in love with my current wife...that I almost positive is NOT where I belong?

Does anyone have some good advice for me?

[Jimmy1218]

WOW...i don't think you deserve any of them. Go back to your cardboard box and touch yourself at night.

[IndiReloaded]

OMG, Jimmy I actually agree with you.

Hey Jack, you are well on your way to screwing up a *second* time, lol. Sounds to me like you spend too much time looking over the fence at everyone else's grass instead of tending your own.

Actually, you and your current wife are perfect for each other. If I understand right, you were both having an affair while your poor first wife picked up the pieces. Selfish and immoral, without respect for marriage, you & your current wife are meant to be.

You never learned to deal with problems in *any* relationship, far as I can tell. You didn't work on sex issues with your first wife (who was probably friggin exhausted looking after your selfish ass) & you're not working on emotional ones with your current wife.

Grow up, Selfish One, and learn to work on your problems *together* with your partner. Your current partner. I doubt your ex will give you the time of day.

[ExpoNovak]

Just what sort of dominatrix, Catwoman, dungeon crap were you after anyway?

Basically, yeah you were a jerk. However, I'm having serious trouble feeling sorry for a woman who obviously doesn't possess a shred of self-respect. She put up with the affairs because you were coming home to her? You are married with a son and she still waits patiently for you to come back to her and be a family? Screw that. It seems like a really great thing now, but let me tell you buddy, hindsight is 20/20. You'd get back into that relationship and remember all the things that were wrong with it in the first place.

That is not being said to exonerate your sorry ass, by the way. Merely to make the point that if you go back I think you run a high risk of putting you BOTH into a worse state of misery than the one you currently enjoy.

I'd leave em both, join the priesthood, and spend the rest of my life feeding starving Ethiopian children and trying to fix my karma.

Have a nice day.

[Jimmy1218]

Ok...now thats a little too exaggerated

[JackPhillips]

I didn't expect that, but I must say, I deserve it.

I actually thought I was doing pretty good. I haven't been sleeping around...I was TRYING to make it work with the current wife, but she makes it VERY difficult.

Was I into kinky stuff? No. I was into sex. My ex just wanted wham-bam thank you mam stuff and no romance or holding.

Now that she has been with other men, she knows what she wants...and it is more cuddling, holding and romance stuff...along with making love in a mutual sense.

We are both 10 years older...we understand more, but does that mean we belong together? No. It just means we still have a lot of respect for each other.

My current wife and I, even though there hasn't been any affairs...are not compatible. We have a son, and we used to have sex as our only two compatibilities. It is like two roomates at my house.

I am sure I could try for the umteenth time with her again, but I don't see how that will work. I have thought about never having sex again...and pretty much these days, that is what happens. I had my running around stage...I don't need any more of that. Sex just complicates things, and makes life miserable.

I want to be with ONE woman...that I can come home to each night, or that I can sit next to on a porch swing and hold her hand...laughing about our day...playing with our grandchildren...sharing our lives in happiness.

It may be too late for me. I just hope that other people don't do the SAME STUPID THING! It isn't worth it, and it only screws up the people you love the most.

[Taranee]

Ok, so let me get this straight you had no idea that sex wasn't love? It took you 40 years to realize that?

My mom taught me that if you make your bed soft you will lie comfortable. But if you make your bed hard you will NOT lie comfortable. You made yourself a nice and comfortable bed. And you took it for granted. Now you're on a bed of rocks. Feels comfortable?

You are being selfish. You say that you 'love' your ex. Yet you don't stop to think about what's best for her. I don't believe you actually consider yourself a suitable man for her considering all the things you did and are still doing. The best thing for your ex to do is to run as fast as she can away from YOU. I'm surprised she even wants you back. She sure has severe self esteem issues. If it was me I wouldn't take you back even if that was the last thing I'd ever do. I would have divorced you as soon as I found out about your affairs. The only reason you want her back is so she can be your 'slave' and worship the ground 'you' walk on...

On the other side your current wife. You knew what she was like before you said I do, so you KNEW what you were getting yourself into. I'm sorry if I'm harsh but you have no one but yourself to blame.

You should really learn how to think before you act. There are children involved. You knew you weren't compatible with your current wife before you got married. So why didn't you break up? I don't know what advice to give you. I don't think it matters what anyone on this forum will say because you seem like a person that doesn't know what he wants. It seems to me like you're never satisfied...

[Gigabitch]

I think you have a pretty good chance of getting your ex-wife back if you play your cards right.

Poor woman. You'll probably cheat on her again. With your current wife.

[shh!]

I think you are morally obligated to try to fix your current relationship for the benefit of your 3 year old. Your older kids have certainly adjusted to your not being in the same home as they are, but not so your little one. Why don't you try something novel like putting someone *else's* needs above your own, as most parents do, for a change?

And yeah, I felt sorry for your first wife until you mentioned she is actually willing to take you back. You all sound truly, deeply messed up.

[Jimmy1218]

JackPhilip, you are one gimped asshole. But good luck for your relationships...you'll need it.

[Tiay]

I REALLY don't know what the heck to tell you, but I will say this;

You never learned to deal with problems in *any* relationship, far as I can tell. You didn't work on sex issues with your first wife (who was probably friggin exhausted looking after your selfish ass) & you're not working on emotional ones with your current wife.

this really nails it.

Jack: please listen to this story that was read on an old episode of Sex is Fun, it begins just a little bit after the intro on this mp3: [url]http://archive-a02.libsyn.com/podcasts/c85f89bddd369a63c98dd36a709ce6e9/46ba455e/sexisfun/45_coochie_show.mp3[/url]


so yeah, you could've been like that guy, only you had the affair. you bastard. I don't think you can expect much sympathy here, except that at least you now realise how hard your ex worked. damnit, Indi is right, she was probably exhausted. Shallow as it sounds to trade housework for sex, it is all part of making each other happy.

I say put your 3 year old first. do you realise how deeply you could damage him and if you leave, or worse yet if you let him be influenced by the issues between you and his mom?

[Jimmy1218]

"sigh" Just another brainless jackass making dump decisions.

[Cain]

Once a cheater... always a cheater. No matter what you decide in your head, you'll always have the ability to do it again. As much as you may want to be with her, I don't think you deserve her.

But if she really does love you like she says, try for it. She waited for you so now you can wait for her.

[muspi_2000]

you could get your ex back if you wanted, and make things right with her and all that but truth be told, she deserves someone better. sorry mate.

[Mathias]

Once a cheater... always a cheater.