Will she dump me?

[Len]

Will by gf be able to understand: I want an intimate relationship; I do not want a living together situation.

The background: When I started to date again after my wife died, I used some dating forums and met a few nice ladies. There was only one that I really wanted to date again. On the forum listing, I had indicated that I wanted to share common interest and would welcome a development to an intimate relationship.

I went slow (so she tells me now), but eventually told her I would like a more intimate relationship if she was interested. She was! I told her a few times that I had two fears: (1) that she would get tired of me and (2) that she would want more than I could give. That led to my expression that I wanted a relationship that was frequent dating, but not a living together situation.

The development: Eventually she proposed living together, first rather indirectly (“we could be together more often”) and then more directly (“I could make the meals, take care of the house, contribute to housing finances.”) Why trying to assure her that I really love her and wanted to be with her, I did not want to live together.

The understanding: She does not really understand my feelings. I am not sure I do either. One wrong guess she made was that I felt being untrue to my wife. I think I was able to assure her that was not the situation, explaining that my wife had told me – even before she was ill – that she hoped I would remarry if she died before I did. At my senior age (approaching 70) I do not want to become a burden on anyone. I do not want to have anyone become a burden for me. I do not want the responsibilities of living together. I gave up on trying giving reasons. She, like a good sales person, can find an answer to any objection.

We have had two really serious discussions on this. I have told her that if she wants more than I can give, that I can understand that and she should find it. Further, that my hope is that we can continue the present relationship. Her response was: “it seems that it is your way or no way.” My reply: “I think it is my way or your way.”

Present situation: She seems to have accepted the relationship and wants to continue. However, I am sure she does not understand. My guess is that she feels that in time I may change. While I can accept that possibility, I think it is most unlikely and have told her I see no likelihood that I would want a different relationship.

Although I can accept a need for her to discuss this at times, I fear it may become too often and affect our relationship.

We have been dating for about one and one-half years. Mostly it is weekends at one of our homes. Dinner and breakfast, sometimes one of use prepares, sometimes out. We enjoy hiking, concerts, and the like on these dates. We enjoy marvelous bed times together.

Will she eventually decide that I will not see her view and dump me?

[vashti]

Will she eventually decide that I will not see her view and dump me?

Of course this is a very distinct possibility. A woman her age is no doubt interested in some degree of the emotional stability that comes with a committed relationship, and is worried about being alone at the end of life. Can you blame her? Lonliness is painful.

Whether or not she leaves will remain to be seen. I know there aren't that many available men in your age range, and perhaps she will decide that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

[Len]

Those things I can understand. But, would the ralationship be more "committed" if we were living together?

[vashti]

Well, apparently *she* thinks it would. She may also believe it is a step towards marriage.

In the end, she may decide to pursue a relationship with someone who considers *her* needs in addition to his own. I mean, you have a right to be happy with the staus quo, and she has a right to want more. (Isn't that a recurring theme for relationships of all ages?) I don't know how much of herself she is willing to sacrifice to be with you.

[CAM]

Actually...the whole living together thing. People who live together before they get married (assuming that is what they do)....the divorce rate is significantly higher than people who don't live together before marriage. And, for "normal" couples...the probability of getting a divorce is a little over 50%.

She sounds like she wants to run the show. If you want that kind of a relationship, go for it and then dump her ass when you are tired of it.

But, she's the one who is desperate that the moment...she wants to get you into a domestic relationship and then it will be harder for you to leave. She knows that you aren't totally committed at the moment; so, she's trying to tilt the balance.

Remember...in some states, if you live together for more than a year...you are legally bound to each other (to include assuming half of her debts).

[Len]

Yes, I have considered the economic implicaitons. But, I think she does not want marriage, only living together - just wants the domestic thing and, perhaps, some economic security.

However, I think you may not be correct about the assumption of debt. When a son-in-law died, my daughter told his creditors to bug off. They did. She said she had no legal responsibility.