Back together question

[nuttybuddy]

So my bf and I had broken up cuz he was tired of my emotional stress on him. He wanted to just take a "break" but I didn't understand how that should be different from a "break up." So I broke up with him... unintentionally, two days before our 1 year anniversary of dating.

Then I couldn't stand how he truly stayed away from me, (cuz i thought he would call) but he didn't call. So I was mad, and I called him and I just had to have a face to face talk with him. So we finally met and we talked. Initially, he was very resistant on getting back together. He said that he thought we were too different. And he found that he was having a lot of fun being with his friends. But after long and dragged out silences together and me suggesting that we give it another try, he said ok but he wanted to ask his friends first. He said that he wanted to get their support. And after asking his friends, he said yes. I was pretty stunned. I was expecting the worst. I couldn't really say I was overjoyed either. I was for the most part, just stunned.

About a month into being back together, I felt the need to secure his love for me cuz we were going to be in a long distance relationship. so over the phone, i asked the question, "where is this relationship going?" and he had no definite answer for me. so in my anger, i told him that i deserved better than this and i broke up with him AGAIN. but it hurt soooo much, that within 24hrs i called him back and he was glad that i called him back too. he then suggested that we wipe out what just happened and go back to what we had. i was soooo exhausted, and he was exhausted.... so i said ok.

but i still was not happy being in a relationship knowing that he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me cuz he wasn't sure if someone better might come along. but he said that he doesn't think someone better will come along in reality and that he will end up marrying me. i was NOT happy to hear that cuz what girl wants to END UP getting married to guy just because no better girl showed up???
so i'm sure i'll have a talk with him about that if he ever brings up the topic of marriage---which is probably not for years.


so has anyone been thru something like this? and if so, any advice?

[Michael6084]

well if it is as you say it is...you putting emotional stress on him and you getting mad because he didnt call you when you're already broken up, what do you expect him saying something like that about marriage?

he didnt want to be in it in the first place after you two broke up, he wanted a break, but if you pressure someone into a relationship he didnt want to be in, he won't be like "i want to marry you first and foremost".

and you seem very selfish about this. sorry to be honest, but it has to be out. you're thinking like "how i feel, how i want him to be with me, he should make me feel better, i should be the top girl he wants to marry". what about how he feels? what about what he wants to do? you say "I felt the need to secure his love for me", but what about you securing your love for him.

i can almost guarantee that if you worry about his needs and wants, he should do the same for you, but it has to be equal. you cant expect him to do everything for you or be there for you, when you dont do the same for him. otherwise it feels more like a slavery for him, thus explaining why he wanted a "break" in the first place.

[nuttybuddy]

Thank you for responding Michael6084. I see your point about me being selfish... and that's why I understand that I did put emotional stress on him. I am regretful of it, and so this time I am trying to change.

I don't think I understand what you mean when you say that I should secure my love for him instead of trying to secure his love for me. I would say "yes" to his marriage proposal in a heartbeat if only he would ask. Isn't that enough proof of my love for him?

And if it isn't, what do I have to do? Keep in mind, we are in a long distance relationship.

Thanks again! and no hard feelings taken about you calling me selfish. I like brutal honesty. I know I can be selfish... and I know that it was the cause of driving him away the first time.

[Michael6084]

np i'm glad you didnt take it badly. when i mean secure your love for him, like i know you may think personally that you like him a lot, but maybe he may not be seeing it like that right now.

if he does feel like it's a "slavery" and he's a bit pressured, show him in ways that you genuinely care for him. like...i guess do things for him that you wouldnt expect anything to get back for.

also i think if you apolgize to him about sometimes maybe coming off as too pressuring to him and dont mean anything bad by it, it may make him more into you because he will notice that you notice that you know your flaws.

but i know this in relationships in general: they take time. 1 year is good but not even enough to consider marriage. several years for that. for now, i'd say the relationship is more or less a test to see if you two are willing to stay together.


i'm just wondering, how much time did you two spend together each week before you first broke up with him because of stress?

[nyc123]

btw how old are you? there's no reason to consider marriage *right now* ESPECIALLY if you're in a LDR. his not committing to marry you now is no reason to break up with him. maybe if you'd been dating for like 5 years or something. plus, i don't blame him for being unsure. after all, you've already broken up with him TWICE! of course he'd be unsure to marry you for fear you might change your mind or something!

[nuttybuddy]

U know, your [Michael6084] advice is really insightful. Thank you. I actually had to take a moment to think about how many times I had apologized to him. It's rare. I think I said it most when I was trying to get back together with him the first time. When I think about how many times I expect him to apologize..... it's countless. (And I'm not saying this because I feel like I'm superior or anything, I feel that he does things that offend me because he really doesn't THINK.) For example:

Something from our last phone conversation:

My bf recently commented on a girl on Youtube who's making videos of herself. He's even subscribed to her. I didn't even say anything about that, but then he said, "I think she's pretty."

So I said, "I don't think those are words you should say to your gf (meaning me.)"

He said, "Why not?"

So I said, "How would you like it if I said some guy was HOT?!?!"

He said, "I don't think I'll mind."

And then I had nothing left to say....


-------------------------------------
What do u think about that, Michael6084?


And to answer your question about how much time we spent together before we broke up the first time, is we spent every free time we had together every day of the week. It got to a point where he felt like he wanted to have some alone time, or "space" and I couldn't understand that at the time. I just enjoyed being with him whether we talked or not. So, I told him he could do whatever he wants while he's around me, and he gave in. So I guess, maybe he did feel "slavery" at some points of our relationship. And now, I have no choice but to give him space since we're in the long distance relationship. I think he's happy. But he does express his frustrations of wishing me to visit him.

[Michael6084]

sadly i have to go to work in like 5 mins and ill be back at like 9 EST. but ill get back to you no doubt.

[nuttybuddy]

Thank you for responding nyc123. I think your advice is sound. I guess maybe I need to be more patient. As for our age, we are both the same age. This is actually my very first relationship, and this is his second relationship (more serious than his first--his first one lasted only 3 months.) And it's a little embarrassing to put numbers out there... but we are both 32. yeah, I know... we're old... and yet so immature. Actually, he's 8 months younger than me..... and even on his 32nd birthday, I tried to nudge him that he's all grown up now, but he verbally tried to debunk that idea saying, "Naah, I'm not grown up." And I do get a bit frustrated that he's acting too childish for his age........ refusing to grow up..... buying transformer toys....

[nuttybuddy]

Thanks Michael6084. I appreciate your input. Let me know whenever you can.

[Gigabitch]

Passion isn't enough to make a marriage work. You sound like you may not be all that compatible and certainly have some communication issues.

My advice: Keep going on that rollercoaster ride with him- clearly you're both getting something out of it, but do NOT get married and do NOT get pregnant. Your relationship is all drama.

[Zach]

I think giga is right on this one, there is alot to learn from the roller coaster.

[Michael6084]

kk im back. well about that "she's pretty" business....i dont think he just subscribed to her just because she's "pretty", i mean...i find some girls hot, but i wouldnt subscribe to them lol. but if he honestly just thinks she's pretty and that's it, then there should be no shame for you to express who's hot and whatnot.

now about that hanging out part....i figured you two might have been around each other quite frequently before the break-up. i have to say that if he's in his thirties and is still not serious it seems, then it's HIS loss. one on hand: you could simply let go because he seems a little childish and he doesnt seem to appreciate you.

on the other hand, you could try to do something to have him appreciate you so he doesn't think you nag all the time. if that doesnt work, then do exactly what he wanted....a break. that way time will settle and you two can be together eventually, but do it in a way that's smart: together but not everyday where you eventually get tired of each other.

i suppose this goes for everyone, male or female, but the first bf/gf one has, they have a feeling like "he/she is the only one for me." but honestly if you've done what you could to make him think more deeply than be the "kid" he is and he still is thick about you, then forget him. first time is always the hardest i think, but it's like they say "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". everytime you do something in a relationship that's good or not, you learn from it.

it's like gigabitch said about "passion", but passion only stays from maybe a year or even two. eventually that wears off and you love each other still but it isn't passion anymore. i can't speak about this further because the longest relationship was around a year, but they say love is much more than passion.

so yeah i think you should try anything you might have wrong and fix that and try with him, but if he's stubborn like he partly seems to be, then there's nothing you can do and it's HIS loss. if you happen to have a "break", then you should check out other guys too, like meet them at coffee shops or bookstores, or whatever types you're looking for.

but whatever you do, don't get "revenge" for anything he might have done or anything. it just creates more needless drama. if he is bad, leave on the high road. that way he has nothing he can talk back to you, like "she broke my toys cuz she got pissed at me" or something lol.

this is kind of funny because i'm 18 and you two are in your 30's, yet it feels like i'm talking to an 18-year-old lol.

[nuttybuddy]

Thanks everyone! I certainly don't plan on getting pregnant. LoL. I guess I will stick with the roller coaster ride for now. It's making me queasy though. hehe

As far as passion, he knows the passion is gone. One of the reasons he gave while being resistant to getting back together the first time was: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

So it confused me that he eventually decided to give it another shot. I think he's hoping that maybe some of that old passion will return. I don't know.

Anyway..... thank u all...... I really appreciate all your advices. I may have some questions again from time to time.....