The hurt runs so deep....can anyone really relate?

[lilhunnybee]

Here's my story...if anyone cares to read on....
I was with this guy...for 9 years. Starting from when I was 17 tears old. We really were in love (childish love) and everyone could tell. We had spats, but there was just something between us that was so strong and always pulled us together. Can I also add that before him, I was super innocent...shy, naive, insecure, not confident (that one i still am). Now, I'm this mess of a person that wakes up some days and just starts hyperventilating and crying..having no idea what to do.

Everything in between those 9 years....utter happiness and UTTER pain like you wouldn't believe. We were planning on getting married this year. Now let me back track....the whole nine years....scattered throughout....he cheated on me...he lied to me...he hid things from me. and I would cry and cry and cry...and yell and yell...and eventually I would get over it and take him back. that's why the entire relationship consisted of. The f*cked up thing is...I'd actually BELIEVE him when he would tell me he was going to change. cuz i wanted to believe him i guess. He lies about everything....there was this one time that I tricked him (this was about 7 years ago) and made up a profile on this site that I knew he was on....and I pretended I was some chick. Well..he talked to "her"...and asked to meet up with her. Then I confronted him....he lied to me for hours saying that it was a girl he knew from high school. Telling me that I could call up one of his buddies to confirm it. BUT I KNEW IT WAS ME!!!! Then I told him it was me and the jig was up. But....I stayed with him. LONG STORY SHORT....I kept staying with him...because I LOVE HIM...but I knew he didn't feel the same way i felt...he loved me...but wasn't willing to sacrifice anything for me.

NOW, I wonder....what the hell on earth do i do? I wonder if...love can exist without pain...because I dont think I can ever date again. I don't think I can handle another ounce of hurt. All I want is to be in love, real love. Love where both people PUT IN EFFORT!!! and love each other forever. I want to give everything of me...and have it returned...BUT IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE????? I feel like every guy is scum....I'm so lost right now.... anyone have similar troubles?

[Gigabitch]

Ouch! Jeeze!

Okay, here's what comes to mind: You know how you burn yourself at some point on the oven or something, and from then on, you are more careful with the stove? That's a good thing. That's nature taking care of you.

You're moving towards being afraid of cooking instead of being careful with the oven. Don't go there. It's not good thinking.

All guys are NOT scum, but you are going to have to be very careful about involving yourself in the future, because you have some very bad habits. The fact that you took a cheater back time and time again indicates that you aren't to be trusted with your own heart.

You should be single for a while. Like a year. And watch out, because you're probably coming off really vulnerable right now, and that will draw bad guys like steel shavings to a magnet.

[Junket]

I'm scum.

Wanna go out?

[Mathias]

Ouch! Jeeze!

Okay, here's what comes to mind: You know how you burn yourself at some point on the oven or something, and from then on, you are more careful with the stove? That's a good thing. That's nature taking care of you.

You're moving towards being afraid of cooking instead of being careful with the oven. Don't go there. It's not good thinking.

All guys are NOT scum, but you are going to have to be very careful about involving yourself in the future, because you have some very bad habits. The fact that you took a cheater back time and time again indicates that you aren't to be trusted with your own heart.

You should be single for a while. Like a year. And watch out, because you're probably coming off really vulnerable right now, and that will draw bad guys like steel shavings to a magnet.

Listen to Giga. She knows stuff.

Try the year-off thing. Mathias is doing it--and only after 5 months, it's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

[FallingHeart]

Be strong, girl. Be strong.

He doesn't deserve you. When you've been with someone that has hurt you for that long, the only thing I can imagine you find in him is comfort. You're worth more than that though and he doesn't deserve an ounce of your precious time! Screw that! Be confident, for once, that you can find someone who will treat you right.... and you will. You need to be free of him so you can trust and love again.

Let him go. You'll know when you can.

[lilhunnybee]

thank you all so much.

this is the first time in 9 years that i'm actually seriously trying to break the cycle and get over him. i changed my cell phone number today. and I told my parents that it's over. i'm hoping i don't get sucked back in...and everything you all said is right, i know it. it's just really hard to follow. especially hard for me. i'm trying...day by day i guess....

giga...for real. i need to be single for a looong time. i get so scared when i think that far ahread. then i start thinkin...i don't want him to move on...it would crush me. =(

fallingheart.....sincerely, thank you.

mathias...i can't even imagine five months ahead..without him.

[Mathias]

mathias...i can't even imagine five months ahead..without him.

You don't think 5 months ahead in your situation. One day at a time.

[Ath]

I think him moving on would be his loss and your gain. Just remove yourself from the entire situation. No one deserves to be cheated on... ever. Not that I'm qualified to contribute, but that's my two cents.

Giga, your wisdom is scary accurate... you should quit your job and do this for a living

-Ath

[Gigabitch]

Giga, your wisdom is scary accurate... you should quit your job and do this for a living

-Ath

Heh, thanks. I came from a profoundly messed up family, so I have some experience with bad relationships.

OP, you're going to need support. A lot of it. I suggest you get yourself into a roommate situation with some other women so you don't get lonely- do NOT live alone right now.

It was good that you told your parents. Tell more people. You're sending messages to your unconscious mind by saying it out loud. Be sure to tell people that you know you'll be okay eventually.

It will be hard, but you can do this. Try not to think about him right now. There will be time later to process all of your disappointment and anger. Right now, it has to be about YOU.

[AlwaysOnMyMind]

I agree with Gigabitch. Good advice x

[squirrley]

Ive been in your EXACT same shoes, 10 yr relationship and a young one, the whole married thing and the bs with it too. Not the cheating part but abuse. So, I took his sorry ass back EVERY SINGLE TIME. Moved where he was not once but twice.

He eventually ended it by having an affair, the day BEFORE we were suppose to take our vacation to find where we were going to live during his medical residency. TOTALLY blind sided me. I went off the deep end to say the least, wanted to kill myself and all that bs. I cried for weeks didnt sleep didnt eat. My friends put me in the corner and within a week of being several weeks of basically comatose, I MOVED out of the state. I swore off men for 5 years. I couldnt deal with that intense pain EVER again. It was the best time of MY personal life. I grew as an individual and reflected on all of those things which I could clearly see were NOT healthy for me or the relationship. It opened my eyes. I eventually startes to date as uncomfortable as it was but made myself clear I wasnt ready for the heavy duty stuff. But it made realize there were other men who were decent. Not assholes.

I have finally married and am getting back on track with my life. You cant expect to be over him in a couple of months, but everyday that passes is a GREAT DAY for you and an accomplishment in your own life. I remember after I had moved, I had everything of ours in our box. My brothers came over and we had a bonfire. We set EVERYTHING ON FIRE! UP IN SMOKE! Of course I cried as I watched my life of 10 yrs disappear. But it gave me a new sense of direction. I no longer had those things I could just pull out and look at and dwell and feel more depressed.

Sweetie, love is a powerful thing, and as a wonderful as it is, it is also probably the most painful thing we experience in our lives when its no longer there. But in the long run, you will be such a stronger person and one day you will be able to reflect back and thank God it is over and that you've become a better person for it. I thought the same thing you did, how the hell am I suppose to live without him? I cant??? But you do. And you realize oh damn, Im so much happier without him.

I do agree with Giga in taking time for yourself. You dont want to get involved with someone right away just to fill a void, you'd only hurt that person. Taking time to yourself does so much for your well being. You will take from that relationship the strengths and the weaknesses you dont want in your next relationship. Every relationship is a learning curve and a stepping stone to the relationship that IS right for you.

Trust me, you will be ok in time. You will be the woman and the girlfriend and or wife whose deserving of the right man!

[IndiReloaded]

Or another way to think about it:

He's just a guy. A bad-tempered, lying, lazy & selfish one. What's to miss, except maybe a really nice fellow the more time you waste with this one?

You'll be fine.