Introducing myself, recently heartbroken.

[vorguen]

hello, I am 19 years old, male, starting my second year of college, i live in northern mexico, right along the border (im a US citizen tho), and my house is literaly like 5 minutes from the border, i cross over pretty much daily for school, and sometimes recreational purposes..

anyway i consider myself a mexican in both culture and beliefs (even though i am half mexican half spaniard, many people think im white since i speak fluent english without any accent and im light-skinned).

the importance to that is because recently.. i just broke up with my first love, which happens to be an american girl.

She is 16 years old, nearly 17, very tall (5'8) as i am only 6'0 she is very tall for her gender and age. at least in my eyes she was very attractive, in the eyes of my friends she was sometimes considered "hot" and soemtimes just "ok". when we were together she was extremely affectionate and loving, caring, and open.

this is what happend. we met, a week later she was my girlfriend already, and we had had sex as well (which i regretted later when i was in love with her, i felt like i disrespected her a bunch.. and before anyone brings out any legality comments we never had sex in the united states, always in mexico in my house.) in my defence though she was a very "grown up" 16 yr old, she had a summer job which shed work anywhere from 50-60 hrs a week (no joke), only did 2 yrs of high school and is currently attending her first year of college at the same university i am (bummer), and is very independent and headstrong.

well, we started having sex early on, which was one of the motivations for me to stay in the relationship cuz RIGHT OFF THE BAT only about 1 week and a few days of her being my gf she kissed another guy. she instantly confessed it to me told me the story of how he was a guy who she used to "date" but it never got serious and he went to see her at her house and he kissed her and she didnt do anything about it. i forgave her, and decided to stay with her, cuz mostly at this point it was superficial and i was like "well i can just keep having sex with her". unfortunately for me, at about 1 month into our relationship i was madly in love with her. and well i believe she was too, altho sometimes its hard to believe that now..

well it would be good to point out at this point i was living in mid-texas, going to university there at about 4 hrs away from her, she lived in the border on the USA side. almost every weekend id go see her, regardless of the high expenses, and always would surprise her as much as i could with cute romantic shit.. thinking about it right now kind of makes me angry actually, while i type this.. =S

anyway i guess that may have jump started our relationship, our ability to be on the phone so much yet see each other so little, made us want each other alot, is what i believe. so right before our relationship hit two months, i came back home for the summer (i even applied to my university right near home so i could stay with my parents and be near her, something i regret at this moment). so when i come back, we spend like CRAZY amounts of time together. im talking seeing each other like 8-14 hrs a day, every day. we would normally do our own thing and we didnt go out much. im not much of a party guy and well she never told me she was too much into that, altho how i met her was at a Club, she asked me out to dance, and afterwards i asked her for her phone. i took her to a movie the next day, she got it on pretty quick by holding my hand as soon as she saw me (even tho we like barely even knew each others names) and i kissed her. almost every time from the beggining to the end of our relationship she would call me almost every time, but it was also mostly because i would do little and i was always available to talk and so she'd call me when she wasnt busy. and i mean like i said our relationship had evolved from physical to extremely emotional.. we connected emotionally really well and we had a TON in common. all the "damn your hot" comments she used to tell me pretty much died down eventually to "your adorable", "i love you!", "your so cute", "your perfect"... etc

so we wouldnt go out much, which when we broke up she brought up that that bothered her alot, but then again i personally had no problem with that she could have said something, miscommunication i suppose. anyway, when things got really out of hand was when i left to spain for 21 days. we had almost no communication.. like occasional emails and thats it. i made to her a single phone call. she didnt have that much time on her hands cuz she was working almost 12 hrs a day and 6-7 times a week, but shed still go out fridays. well one specific friday, she decided to try Marijuana behind my back. to give u a little insight in USA this might not be a huge deal (as i told some american friends and they were like aah it doesnt even matter) but in mexico its MAJOR, like i told mexican friends and they were like "WOW thats f'ing shitty!!!".. ok, and to make it worse, she NEVER told me. thats what enfuriates me the most! and then, ANOTHER friday, she decided to kiss a guy, again.

so i come back from spain missing her like a madman, i was with her for about 3 hrs before she basicaly tore my heart apart. again, i had not seen her and hardly heard from her except for occasional long "i love you and miss you" emails.

she starts telling me how she never wanted a serious relationship.. how she is afraid of commitment.. and what not, and that shes afraid that we're gonna end up married and that she wont be able to "live her life" if shes with me... and at this point im like WOW what the hell is going on i couldnt believe it i fought really hard for the relationship like borderline begging (i never actually begged but in a way i did try to convince her that she was mistaken, alot....)

i went to drastic measures, eventually, she either gave in or something and she told me she cheated on me again... kissing a guy, again.

i was exploding inside, but like i always did, i NEVER yelled at her, NEVER did anything bad to her actually she always said i was good cuz of that, i was also extremely faithful if girls even started acting flirty id just stop the conversations right away. i got hit on alot while i was at college too. so she told me she cheated on me, i felt like SHIT but i walked away, cooled myself off, came back, sat her down next to me, told her "sorry you cant be my girlfriend anymore" (i note though that she had been telling me for about 3-4 hours that she didnt want to be my girlfriend anymore already).. so there, we broke up.

[vorguen]

she calls me that same afternoon, this happend at 6 AM. i also just gave her all the presents i had bought for her that i was saving for her bday, and for xmas and what not i just gave them to her and one was this reaaaallly special dress, a really long story but it was very special. that same afternoon she calls me and invites me to watch transformers (big fan here , which she knew i loved. so we go... and she starts to tell me

"oh i feel like an idiot, im not scared anymore i think i didnt know what it felt like until i lost you," bla bla bla.. etc

"would u ever take me back" and i dont even give her a real answer.

halfway thru transformers after her getting all touchy and huggy and shit i get all weak and i take her back, to be honest i wanted to wait even if i could let go the fact shed kissed two other guys, but the only reason i took her back is in my head i was so in love with her and it was kind of dumb.... i didnt want to say that we broke up for some time.. like when our next "5 month" or "6 month" anniversary came up i didnt wnat a discussion of 'oh well we broke up for a week' to come up. and for that silly idea, i took her back immediately.

guess what, 4-5 days later, she breaks up with me again. same reasons "im scared of commitment and i dont want a serious relationship". WHAT A HYPOCRITE!

when we barely started dating id here things like "im the committed type and i am only interested in serious relationships"

constantly, she even had that written on her "about me" for myspace.

so here im like "what the hell is going on?!?!?!" i didnt understand why this was happening, again, i didnt know she had smoked marijuana yet.

Im not gonna say how i know im not proud of this but i knew her myspace password and i occasionaly used it to find out what she was up to. anyway, for a long time, i still didnt know about this..

for an entire MONTH she kept me like a dumbass with

"i want you back" , "nevermind i dont", "i want you back", "nevermind"

over and over, and shed tell me things like 'i want to spend more time with you' and ' i love you still and i dont want to ever get over you ', and just a bunch of stuff that ultimately just messed with my head.

then one day i was just like WOW what is going on you keep leading me on and then you dont say you want me back what are you doing? and shes like "sorry but i guess i just like being single now, i just want to be your friend"... i kind of get mad and im like screw this its too much,

so i tell her to meet me some saturday, as it will be the last time we'll see each other, she would say things like 'i dont want you out of my life, you were too important in my life to just take you out like that, stay as my friend' and i kinda tried and it sucked.

so then i meet her, i give her back one stuffed animal dog and she gave me back mine (only thing we gave back, because we TRADED those and the one i gave her was a gift from my mother which she got mad when i told her i gave it to her so we traded back) and she gave me back a frame with a picture of mine, that was again, my mothers. to note tho she probably had like 30+ presents from me anyway.

so we say our goodbyes we end up with her telling me stuff like "you were the best thing that ever happend to me" and just a bunch of that stuff, we hug alot, hold hands, etc.. and she even asks me for a "last kiss" which i tell her sorry i cant do that.

so i drop her off home after a few hours and i pull off to her neighbors, id have to explain the layout of her house to understand why but i went into the neighbors parking and i got out of my car.. and when i looked she had come back out and we met up again and kissed this time and said goodbye.. idk, kind of an intense movie-like finish. either way, i was pretty commmited to this being the end.

the lovely part comes.. 3 days later, she calls me at 6 in the morning, CRYING.

"i made the biggest mistake of my life"
"ive been praying to god and he showed me a dream of you dying" and bla bla bla
"i regret this the most ive ever regretted anything"


i tell her to calm down and call me at night after work. so she does, and tells me a bunch of stuff like this but doesnt even tell me I WANT YOU BACK. so im like ugh what the heck, and finally after hours shes like "yeah i want you back". so i agree to meet her the next day, and she basicaly DOESNT EVEN TALK.

just chills there.. and funny thing is she used to say "oh well your not "energetic" enough and "outgoing" and i guess she wanted an amazngly hilarious boyfriend or something and im more relaxed, calm, and my sense of humor is more sarcasm / clever.. anyway, and now she doesnt even TALK. eventually she says something that sounds like

"i want you back, but im not even sure"... so im like... uuuh if ur not even sure how do you expect me to take you back! you just like set me back to the beggining i was very ready to get over you.

one week later i call her back and tell her i want her back, i guess i always did i honestly just wanted to make her wait, feel the pain i felt a little maybe and make sure she really did want me.

so i call her, 7 days later, after zero talking except one day she got on aim and msgd me and like random myspace hints like shed write "the best ive ever had" and "only one face on my mind" and put a picture of me saying "coolest guy ever" ..

so i call her a week later, turns out, she doesnt want me back anymore, flaky as always. shes like "well i guess i like being single" and "i moved on in this week" and i finally coughed it out of her "i guess im sort of talking to someone else". for the FIRST time in our relationship i felt JEALOUS. and i told her this. i have never been jealous, she could have as many friends as she wanted just as long as she used her own discretion, which i now believe, sucked ass. she didnt even agree to meet me in person, she was on her way home from work i was conviniently parked on the way to her house. she didnt meet me, she went to whataburger with some friends of hers.

i call her back later that night pretty much just desperate "screw it lets just stay friends". i didnt even mean it.

she tells me if ill go with her tomorrow to do something about a lap top.

cancels it on me the next day at the last minute, after callin me to confirm if i was going.

few days later she calls me, and im kind of mad at her at this point and so i blaze this really loud choppy sounding music so it sounds im in a place with a lot of commotion and i tell her im out and ill call her later, which i do, we have a short ass convo, and tats it. she calls me a few days later and just to say something pretty dumb like "my myspace isnt working" and im like 'ok, is there anything else you needed' and i kind of ended the conversation real quick and i know she realized that.

a few days later i called her again and this was out of anger and i pretended life was great and i even lied to her (cleverly, cuz i didnt bring it up) that i was dating some other girl. just to piss her off really.

then, a few days later, it all made perfect sense. I found out she had been smoking weed alot, and she KNEW that there was no way id ever let her do that or even stay in a relationship with her if i found out. i found out thru her myspace. i had her password. she knwos this but probably forgot or doesnt think i check it. i snooped around her messages and she started saying stuff like "when we gonna go get high again!?" and "i limit myself to liquor and weed"

[vorguen]

i was SHOCKED. angry, and to ensure i wouldnt take her back, i told EVERYONE i knew. so now her reputation with "my people" is pretty scarred but we dont have any friends or acquaintances in common so it didnt matter, she doesnt know i know.

it has been about 2 months since we broke up, and about 3 weeks since we talked. she sent me two text messages, both which i ignored. i think right now she doesnt give a rats ass about me. i bumped into comments on myspace saying crap about me like

"i finally got rid of my clingy love struck boyfriend".. that ANGERED me so much!!!!!!

and just other stuff she started telling ppl just crap about me and it drove me really angry.

i started realizing wow.. the person i fell in love with, the person i used to know and love, DOESNT EVEN EXIST ANYMORE..

shes this "im a cool girl, trying to fit in and be accepted", going through some strange "im a badass" phase....

and now like i said, shes acting very slutty, sneaking off with guys in the middle of the night to smoke marijuana and the possibility of sexual activities is definetly up there.. who knows if she screws them but i know she at least does SOMETHING. which still is enough to make me crazy.

another thing that really makes me angry is, when i met her, she wasnt well, exactly "slim" she was never fat, she still was pretty, but she had a big extra. i personally im a natural bodybuilder, and a nutrition / fitness expert (actually nutrition is my strongest suit out of the three). i taught her everything i knwo and not cuz ME personally wanted her to lose weight she ASKED me for the help. so when we broke up she was very tall and she had almost no extra weight and was in my opinion WAAAAY more attractive and very hot. and now shes got it easy and can get any guys attention easy, that makes me SO MAD. i am not gonna lie, i wish she was fat right now.

i also feel like she even just started going out with me in the first place just cuz of her mentallity

"oh hes 19 and im 16, and hes in college! and hes a bodybuilder and hes got a six pack! ill look so cool if im going out with this guy!"

im starting to think she might have lied to me this whole time.. that it never was even real. i may have been in love with an image of her i created, and not with her. it was so hard for me to let go too! like i said for an entire month i tried DAILY to get her back, i tried EVERYTHING minus getting on my knees or telling her "please take me back please oh please" anything that wasnt too pathetic.

her mom was even on my side, telling her she was being dumb and what not.

so this is the story, if im not mistaken i havent skipped anything.

the point is, right now, i KNOW I DONT WANT HER BACK, she backstabbed me, lied to me, tricked me, cheated on me twice, smoked marijuana behind my back which i find to be a big deal, acting like a slut now, and talking bad about me behind my back..

and yet... despite this all..

I CANNOT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD. I CANT. an hour does not go by where i do not think of her. a day does not go by where i do not miss her. i LOATH HER, i HATE HER, yet, at the same time im madly in love with her, or at least, with the old her. i tell myself i dont miss HER, i miss what we used to have, what was once special and amazing.

I CANT HELP BUT THINK OF HER, all the time, all the time, every time my phone rings, my mind automaticaly goes to "what if its her?"

one of my best friends name, (who is a male too), happens to start with the same First letter and end in the same letter in his first name, and every time he calls me my mind freakin tricks me into thinking its her like i have to be like "oh wait no its my friend" and it drives me crazy..

i grabbed everything shes ever given me and i put it in a Box, and i placed it under my bed. i dont ever look at it.

i KNOW that someone like that isnt someone id like to spend my time with but still it is something i cant help, im very relationship oriented i suppose and the thought of "growing up" with someone who could end up being my wife drove me crazy (in a good way).

scary thing is, we were together for.. barely under 4 months. we only dated for one week prior to being in a relationship. its been about 2 months since we broke up and 3 weeks since i speak to her, or communicate with her in any way..


these are my biggest concerns now too....

- bumping into her.. omg i dont know what the heck ill do im so mad at her ill honestly probably just say something like "im done with you" and turn around.

- if she texts me or IM's me or msgs me on myspace i will just ignore it. but if she calls me i will text her back with something like "if this is important text me back and let me know otherwise i dont want to talk to you"

- im not gonna lie ive gotten urges to tell her mother that her daughter has been smoking marijuana and is sneaking off and being slutty in the middle of the night. my ex doesnt know that i knwo she smokes weed so she might not ever find out it was from me anyway. but imstarting to think, thats not such a great idea.

- i think ive driven a good amount of friends crazy talking about her.. i cant stop myself sometimes, it drives me crazy.

- i have a problem.. myspace.. i know her password, and soemtimes i have urges to just log on and read her msgs. i know its wrong, i cant help it.

- will it be hard for me to love again? i used to be scared that id never find someone so special which had so much in common with me but now i find out that to find a better person will literaly be a simple task, shes not worth it, shes a bad person, i know i am a good person and i deserve better, i was nothing but loving, faithful, caring, and i NEVER honestly did anything to hinder her, never yelled, cussed at her, degraded her, all was respect and compassion. too much forgiveness too, i believe now.



i dont know what to do with myself, ive been occupying myself with many things and surrounding myself with True friends and working out like a madman like i used to and despite it all i have a really hard time FORGETTING about her.


i dont want to LOVE her, i dont want to HATE her, i want to be INDIFFERENT!!!!

[muspi_2000]

damn thats long

[vorguen]

yeah sorry its long as hell but its been so hard and i just poured my heart out ...


IRONICALLY i just bumped into my ex like an HOUR ago... at school, we were walking towards each other and i just took a turn in a different direction, she even yelled my name out and i ignored her completely, felt good!


she texted me like 30 minutes later with "Lol that was funny and Cold! Nah but its cool i understand... hope ur doin great have fun!"

which i also ignored

LOL on a funny note her MOTHER just called me and (i forgot to mention her mother loves me and wants me to marry her, her mother by a week almost beat my ex to tellin me "i love you" hahahaha)

anyway she was like "oh i heard you bumped into my daughter today, she said u didnt wanna see her".. and i was like 'oh really? naw, i must have missed her'.. then she was like awww well you should call her like once a week, just as friends you know. hahahahahhaha.. she also told me she was gonna buy me a sweater (random i know, considering its summer and damn hot here), but anyway thats the story

[elNatural]

have one of ur friends take that box back to her for u. dont ever take her back again. think about what type of girl you really want and how to improve yourself from this so u can get that type of girl. the more time u spend on ur ex the less u spend on improving urself and becoming happier

[Illusional]

holy shit.. do you know how much scrolling i had to do to get to the end of your damn fake introduction?? considering that this isn't an intro, i'm gonna do you a favor and move it for you.

raverboy

[anachronistic]

whoa, i feel like i just slept through lord of the rings or something.

can you post a recording of someone reading that?

[vorguen]

sorry for the long post i was just kind of emotional when i wrote that and i had waaay too much circuling my brain, sorry =x.. hopefully you can help me though id appreciate that alot

[anachronistic]

sorry for the long post i was just kind of emotional when i wrote that and i had waaay too much circuling my brain, sorry =x.. hopefully you can help me though id appreciate that alot

believe me vorguen, i'd really love to help you with your post, but i seriously don't have the confidence in myself that i can read for that long of time.

if it was 1 post at the most, i might have given it a shot.

[vashti]

I think it is basically that he fell for a 16 year old girl (he is 19, but it's okay since he lives in Mexico).

She dumped him, and he is depressed about it and doesn't know what to do.

Does that pretty much sum it up, vorguen?

[vorguen]

umm.. she stabbed me in the back. i kind of loath her now, i guess thats the gist of it, she is american we both live by the border.

[vorguen]

hey guys i tried to abbreviate this as much as possible keeping the most important things, i posted it as "the abbreviated version of my heartbreak" i would love the help this time its only one post and not as huge, thanks!