why would he cancel?

[Ayame]

oook sorry if its long


My ex (who just moved away a few months ago with his new girlfriend) was planning on attending a mutual friend's birthday party. I was planning on attending as well. I called him weeks ago to make sure everything would be kosher if I went (since we used to be best friends for years before we were lovers and we still talk often) And he said things would be fine, and he mentioned that his girl friend wouldnt be there, so there wouldnt be an issue on that end.

Now a quick side note. I broke up with him over his new girl, cause they were hanging out and she didnt know we were together (we kept it secret - because we ALL worked together) And once this girl found out, she didnt let up, calling him showing up at his house drunk, he insisted they were friends, but i knew better... blah blah blah so it was over. and we fought and fought and fought, and I never really gave his new girl a hard time, i actually just never gave her the time of day. She's just scum to me. what kind of girl goes after a taken guy right in front of your face... BUT ANYWAY!

Back to the party:
Now i get a phone call from our mutual friend saying his girl wants to go with him, and naturally, I said.. I could care less. Its not their birthday im going there for.

Then i get a phone call saying my ex doesnt want to go now cause he doesnt want to be in that situation.

I said well i used to work with them while they were together, and we got along fine then. I would figure by now he would be over it.

Now mind you, he never mentions her name to me, like he avoids even bringing up he's got a girlfriend at ALL. AND i'd just like to add, i have NEVER said a mean or hateful word about her to him or any of his friends.

SO. do you think he's cancelling b/c he feels guilty? Or he's worried about us fighting? Or he thinks she'll ruin his good time?

Mind you I emailed him and told him its silly for him not to come, we are all adults. Lets just have fun. And I got no response as of yet.

What should I think??

i posted about this same situation somewhere else when I was deciding whether to go or not, but this is the update on the situation

[Charlie Boy II]

I think that he doesn't want to go because, like he said, he doesn't want to be in that situation. Probably a mixture of all those reasons you mentioned. I doubt it's any more complex than that.

Why do you care?

[Ayame]

eh. because I feel bad, feel like its my fault that people are backing out on my friends birthday. I was just wondering what I could do to remedy the situation. Maybe i should just go somewhere else, and meet up with my friend afterwards, that way no drama.. who knows.

[Charlie Boy II]

Why would it be your fault? The guy cheated on you didn't he? I don't really see that you have anything to be concerned about.

[Ayame]

im sure youre right. But still, i feel bad cause our mutual friend was his friend first and happens to be his BEST friend. I mentioned it to uor friend and he said he still wants me to go. I JUST WANNA FIX IT or possibly just avoid it. im obsessive over things like this. i cant stand when i think people are mad at me or dont want me around. im silly like that

[Charlie Boy II]

This is a situation of your ex-boyfriend's devising not yours. There's nothing more you can do. Forget about it.

[Ayame]

ha thats what all my friends have said. Let him boil in his own juices. I gotta grow thicker shell. I guess it would be nice of me to be nice to her though, right? I mean, be friendly, that woudl show I'm a bigger person, right? Or do you think it would make me look pathetic. who knows :o) haha

ps looks like its just me and you on this thread :o)

[Charlie Boy II]

It'll look creepy if you're too nice to her. If she does go to the party I'd maybe just give her a polite but distant "hi" and then give her a wide berth for the rest of the night.

[ExpoNovak]

I remember your situation all too well. My opinion is that your ex was willing to go sans current girlfriend so he could continue to put the moves on you. If his current girlfriend goes with him, that would jeapordize his entire reason for going, therefore its pointless to waste his time and go.

He's scum, scum, scum. I thought you were going to stop speaking to this guy?

[Gigabitch]

The "position" he would be in is of his own making. You have no responsibility for this, nor do you have any obligation to make his volatile, scummy girlfriend feel better about anything. You actually have no business being "friendly" to her. That's just weird.

Let him do whatever he does- it's nothing to do with you, is it? Wash your hands of these wretched people and just walk through your own life with dignity, whether they show up or not.

[Ayame]

He's scum, scum, scum. I thought you were going to stop speaking to this guy?

Eh. I came to the point where I didnt care what he did and if he showed up. But then I started feeling guilty (like it was my fault)when I realized how childish he was being by not showing up to his own best friends b-day, so i thought maybe I could just remedy the whole situation by not going...
btw, he emailed me a short letter today saying, I just wanted to let you know that im going and dont worry, there wont be any drama.

HA HA ...
Worst part is that it was a considerate email, but it just pissed me off for some reason. so, now I'm going with an attitude.

PEOPLE- I HAVE GROWN MY SHELL. Well at least I'll have it on for the night.

[Kiechi]

Eh. I came to the point where I didnt care what he did and if he showed up. But then I started feeling guilty (like it was my fault)when I realized how childish he was being by not showing up to his own best friends b-day, so i thought maybe I could just remedy the whole situation by not going...
btw, he emailed me a short letter today saying, I just wanted to let you know that im going and dont worry, there wont be any drama.

HA HA ...
Worst part is that it was a considerate email, but it just pissed me off for some reason. so, now I'm going with an attitude.

PEOPLE- I HAVE GROWN MY SHELL. Well at least I'll have it on for the night.

Saying and doing are 2 complete different things love. I bet by the end of the night he'll be in your bed again and the vicious cycle continues.

[ashscottish]

HI Ayame...

I was also in to that same situation, broke up with my BF because she is dating someone. I am ery close to his family and whenever there are gatherings he does not attend or does not bring his girlfriend with him.. We talk yes but I feel he is up to something so I just cut the conversation right there and then.. If you still have feelings for this guy then that is what you will really feel.. But if none, then I dont see any reason why you wont come to the party..

[Ayame]

Saying and doing are 2 complete different things love. I bet by the end of the night he'll be in your bed again and the vicious cycle continues.

I'm gonna go with a negative on that one. Thats NOT on my agenda. First of all, I'm sharing a room with quite a few girls (who know about the whole situation) , and secondly, his girlfriend will be attached to his hip.. So no matter how tipsy i get or how hard he tries... One thing this weekend will not include is sex with the ex.