Real Love or Serious Mistake???

[shifu]

hi everyone i'm new in this forum. after i long time spent in thoughts and in desperation for advice i finally decided to post my story. thanks

for taking the time to read.
4 years ago i met a girl in the university where i was studying at 1st i didn't feel anything towards her and i think if the circomstances were

not favorable i would not have thought about meeting here again. but after a while i found out that she was a kind person and also kind of gave

me the feeling of beeing "pure" but still i had no feelings whatsoever for her probably because she didn't look very pretty to me and she

didn't look very feminin(her way of dressing, hair style etc...) and also because she was taller than me.
we kept hanging around for about 3 months within wich i used to meet other girls who looked muh more feminin to me, but never though about

beeing romantically involved with her, then all of a sudden i started feeling that she liked me she started beeing more intimate and we spent

more and more time together after this i started feeling unconfortable i didn't know what to do i was afraid that she might be thinking about

starting a relationship with me and was too afraid of hurting her and at the same time i didn't want lose her since she was a good friend.
i couldn't uderstand myself, i was thinking how come i'm so afraid of losing her even though i don't have any feelings for her? and why do i

like being so much with her but still don't wanna have any relationship with her? all this was so confusing for me. and what scared me above

all is that i knew that if i decided to give it a try i might get stuck in a relationship that i'm not confortable with and be unable to make

an end to it.
finally i thought that it was still better to give it a try and let the time judge. what happend is that right after we became a couple our

sexual relationship was very intense (before this i didn't have much experience so i'm not sure) and we spent every free time we had toghether

but i still had doubts sometimes as whether we should be toghether or not and she even asked me whether i loved here or nor but i said that i

didn't.
one thing that was weird (at least to me) is that we spent much of our time quarreling, that was something really new to me and sometimes i

really couldn't stand it and she even wanted to leave me many times but finally didn't.
this kept like this for one year then i had to move to another city and she was gonna come after one year so we had to be separated for one

year. when i just moved i really felt bad and very sad to leave her but very soon i got used to it and then the problems started!!
i really don't know whether it is because where i moved had more beautiful girls or is it that i was blind when i was beside here but anyway

once in the second city i really felt that nice girls were everywhere and many of them were interested in me so i really started feeling

attracted. i tried to ignore this feeling for the whole year but it wasn't easy it was real torture to me and felt very guilty everytime i was

attracted to some girl or when i had some fantasy about getting along with some girl, but the year came to an end and i thought that when we

get together again everything will be like the begining but i was mistaken.
later even after she came to the city where i was living i was still seeing beautiful girls everywhere but of course i was just thinking that i

just need to be stronger and work on my relationship with my girlfriend but the problems we had were endless and some of them even developed so

much and became taboos.
someting that also started happening is that sometime i would have a crush on some girl then just will feel unwilling to be with my girlfriend

and my mood will really be bad. and then i'll just be cold to her or just make a fuss because of something small, i think it's because

sometimes subconsciously (or consciously) i will think that she is the reason why my fantasies can not become true, of course i think she

doesn't understand why i'm like this when i'm like this.
one thing i forgot to mention is that the 1st year was the happiest (despite the many problems) it was intense,so naturaly we were thinking

about getting to a higher level so we were already talking about getting maried so after the 3rd year we finaly decided to get married and live

toghether.
now it was not that bad. i must say that we were happy but what happened is that the old problems were not solved and after we got maried a

whole bunch of new problems came along so it was really too much.
so now after one year of mariage i just feel that our life is tastless, we don't even enjoy sex like we used to do in our 1st year, and as i

told her once i feel that our relationship is now like a very old house that looks gloomy and cracky and would crumble at any time.
what happend lately is that i got a job and i had to move to a hotel for 2 weeks and here i was surrounded with lots of nice girls all very

attractive and very sweet and i'm so happy to work with them and the torture is starting again and i don't even feel like talking to my wife in

the phone let alone say something sweet to her like "i love you".
so i really don't know what's going on here. there are of course lots of details but it would be too long so i would just mention some of them

for exemple one of the reasons we are unhappy is that she says that i don't respect her and that the way i talk to her shows that i despise her

and don't know whether this has a relationship with the fact that i never really loved her, because i'm nor really sure anymore.
one more thing is that i never mentioned braking off with here i feel so afraid to say it out i almost feel guilty to think about it and for

her she wanted to leave me many times in our 1st year toghether but it never lasted more that few hours and the only time she said that it's

really over between us and that she can't not be with me anymore was about 2 years an a half and the funny thing is that when she said so i

didn't feel unhappy but on the opposite i even felt released and kind of happy, i went out to have a walk and i felt free, of course i was

asking my self whether it's wise or not but in my heart i was released and was even thinking that now i could furfil some of my fantasies, but

she came back few hours later and of course i wasn't surprised at all so i jut smiled to her and said "i knew you would come back".
can someone tell me please what do you think about our relationship and whether this is real love or not because i know that if it's not real

love the best thing to do is to stop everything before it gets worse, now we are already at an advanced stuation and just the fact that we are

married makes things harder to deal with than if we were not.
so what should i do? is there something i can do to make our relationship better and be both happy or is it hoppeless? i really don't know why

i have so mny fantasies? is it normal even when you love your partner?
please help!!!
thanks everyone

[Gigabitch]

Divorce her at once and let her find someone who genuinely likes her and is interested in having a relationship with her. Jeeze! You are a SUCKY husband, you know that? Not only that, you're living in a fantasy world peopled with "nice, beautiful girls" that your wife can't measure up to.

No, this isn't real love. You don't care about her, and if either of you cared about yourselves, you'd never have gotten into this marriage in the first place.

Your whole post just makes me angry and sad.

[gartlas]

yup,If you don'tlove her then why the hell did u marry her,in fact if u didnt love her after so many years it was'nt worth staying with her,I'm just pissed off with u because u must really be hurting her,remember u did telll her u didnt love her.As giga said,get a divorce ,and from me,also get a life

[shifu]

thanks for your answers guys but i just wanna mention one thing.
when i said that i told her i don't love her i meant at the begining but of course later i had some feelings for her or else we wouldn't have gotten this far!!
so as you see the title of my post is "real love or serious mistake??" wich means if i were that sure that i don't love her then i wouldn't be asking in this forum!!
i heard many times that in a relationship there are many stages of love so after 3 years it seems to many people that the don't love there partners anymore so is it possible that this has a relationship with what i'm living now?
also what do you mean by get a life? is there anything i said above that suggests that i'm dead?

[miSSleepy]

"get a life" is just an expression that means (in a not very kind way) "go out there and LIVE, get interests, hobbies, etc" .


This is definitely not real love, I can't believe you even got as far as you did. You started off liking her as a friend and it didn't really progress. Cant you distinguish from friend feelings and romantic feelings?

Yes it's normal for you to be looking at these other girls, especially when you're in a relationship such as the one you're in.

Please, get a divorce, you're torturing her and yourself. You'll both be happier out of this relationship.

[shifu]

c'mon guys it's ben more than 2 days i posted my story and i expected to get more answers
is it because what i should do is so obvious that people feel useless to answer me or is it because my post was so long that most of people here feel lazy to finish reading it?
please guys i really need help!! and the more opinions i get the better!! divorce is not that an easy decision!

[FireAndRain23]

I read your post,I think you have conflicted feelings.Why did you get married? why did your realtionship get so bad? ask yourself these questions.You sound like you know you're doing hurtful mean spirited things to your wife, maybe if you changed that maybe something positive can come out?Everyone has a different definition of love,what do you believe it is,then you can answer the realtionship you have. I think its pretty natural to find other people attracted even though you love someone else ..you not taking it to the next level must mean something communication is key. Goodluck