friend's irrational reaction.

[alidile]

to those who have been following i'm currently shagging a friend. regardless of the situation there, my real problem has to do with an outside person.
my best friend was dating some guy 2 years back and she met his best friend and made out with him a bit, nothing more, so cheated on her boyfriend at the time. she then developed a crush on her boyfriends best friend but he didn't want to hook up w/ her. said it wasn't right and they weren't right.
so 2 years later now this is the guy I am shagging. before this happened my best friend was always real pissed off when we'd hang out even on the totally platonic level for the last 3 months. she wouldn't talk to me for a week when she found out we'd gone to the same party. this is all totally irrational especially since she has a boyfriend now, and many since then, and never brought him up in any capacity since their one minute fling. other guys she still fancied she will bring up time to time in a wondering what they're doing sense this guy she couldn't care less about.
therefore, this is solely a possession thing
i haven't told her about the shagging though she knows we are hanging out frequently cos i HATE lying to her.
it's in his and my best interest to keep what we're doing solely to us for sooo many reasons.
i don't want her to hear about it ever though but i don't want to piss her off by telling her she would just not listen to anything.
is this wrong?
anyone had to deal with this before? please help!

[Mish]

I don't know what to say. I can see how your friend could take offence for you going out with an old love interest she previously failed to conquer. I'm of the opinion this will drive a wedge in your relationship with her.

[alidile]

a friend told me we should keep it secret unless we get into a relationship because then we're technically not lying, just not disclosing all of our business. its weird because i want to talk to her about this badly but there's no way we could ever get passed it eonugh for me to confront about advice and what not.

[Gigabitch]

I'm not sure that you should really take advice from an emotionally underdeveloped former cheater who thinks she's got dibs on a guy she never even really dated, so I don't think you need to be confessing this to her.

If you can't tell somebody something, it's either a YOU problem or a HER problem. This is definitely a HER problem, and it's just one of many, it sounds like. Yes, I have dealt with this kind of thing before. I had a friend who used to think she was the boss of everyone and that none of our group of girls could date without her approval. We are no longer friends.

It would be one thing if this were an ex of hers that she never got over, but he isn't. She's being ridiculous.

[alidile]

so should i keep this secret? i don't want to spoil 4 years of friendship... i mean nothing may ever come of this and we might stop who knows. this is sooo new. but i feel guilty about keeping a secret. i don't want to one day hear "i'm mad cos you didn't tell me, not because of what you did" personally i think it's bullshit when people say that, but i dunno... any other ideas. thanks giga!

[Gigabitch]

Well, you could just have it out with her, once and for all. I think the fact that she's created a situation in which you are forced to lie to her is what's actually threatening the friendship, not anything you're doing.

[IndiReloaded]

My advice is to be kind & not try to 'rub it in' in the slightest that you succeeded where she 'failed'. Women can be bitchy this way... check your motives & be honest w/yourself. But you don't need to hide who you are dating.

If she still can't understand, I hate to say this, but there are some ppl who can't find it in themselves to be happy for the success of others. If this is so, you'll want to rethink whether you want to be friends w/someone like this.

[IndiReloaded]

so should i keep this secret? i don't want to spoil 4 years of friendship... i mean nothing may ever come of this and we might stop who knows. this is sooo new. but i feel guilty about keeping a secret. i don't want to one day hear "i'm mad cos you didn't tell me, not because of what you did" personally i think it's bullshit when people say that, but i dunno... any other ideas. thanks giga!

Since when do friends tell each other who to date?

Friends tell each other all the shitty things about someone they are thinking about dating (if they are in a position to know), with their friend's interest in mind, but that's not at all the same thing.

[alidile]

we're not dating though... not now at least.. we are just friends who screw around a lot and work together.

[IndiReloaded]

You're screwing him but not dating? Okay, out of my depth on this one, sorry. To me they are the same thing.

[alidile]

no they can't be, cos he's seeing other people like hooking up w/ others... this is not a monogomous thing at all, and i'm free to do the same and talking to other men as well... if you read another post about figuring out things made my life worse than you will better understand the actual situation. i like a guy i can't have basically...
ooooh and directed at giga and others who read that one. a separate friend of mine told me that even if he diid ever develop an actual interest in me he would never say and i would never say so we would never get out ofthis friend w/ benefit cycle.

[Gigabitch]

a separate friend of mine told me that even if he diid ever develop an actual interest in me he would never say and i would never say so we would never get out ofthis friend w/ benefit cycle.

You goofy kids. I want to knock your thick heads together.

[IndiReloaded]

a separate friend of mine told me that even if he diid ever develop an actual interest in me he would never say and i would never say so we would never get out ofthis friend w/ benefit cycle.

Confused. Are you discussing the same guy you're currently screwing? Why would you even consider messing up a friendship for someone like this?

Sounds to me like you're actually wanting to ask how to get out of FWB b/c you might be starting to like this fellow... the short answer is: stop ****ing him.

[alidile]

see there's these mind games attached if i stop the shagging now other than the fact that i like him would become much more obvious that i couldn't deal with being friends who screw around.
i'd like to know what's in this guy's head. i think he wants to have his cake and eat it too... but i want that also. argh. i can't make him tell me what he's really thinking and if i tried to that would scare him off that the friendship would be ruined regardless.

[alidile]

yes indie, i'm discussing the same guy i'm currently shagging.