Right blokes, age gaps and open relationships

[tanya78]

OK, a friend of mine is onto a very good thing with me. We are friends, and know - because of the age gap and various other complications - that it can't ever be anything else.

However...We spend about half our spare time in each others company, we confide in one another, when we are alone are affectionate and, given the opportunity, have sex.

On the surface its a really fun deal...for both of us. But every so often little words like 'idiot' and 'used' pop into my head and spoil everything. Not that I say much to him about it cause the bottom line is I don't want it to stop.

I can't talk openly to anyone else about this and know Im heading for a fall because, quite easily, it feels like a relationship...even though we remind one another constantly that its not and are, alledgedly, two single people with no romantic interest in each other that are looking for relationships with people our own ages.

I bury a couple of feelings because they don't fit with what we've agreed we are/ where we are with one another, but I can feel myself slipping...even a bit of the green eyed monster lurking around.

I am really enjoying what we have but am thinking about trying to be sensible and stopping it before one or both of us ends up getting hurt. I would like to be more open about it but just don't think my friends would understand. I am the older woman by the way.

A man's opinion on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[vashti]

I'm not a man, but I can tell you that very few women can manage this type of relationship. Our vaginas are tied to our hearts. I suggest you stop this relationship immediately; it's never gonna work.

[automorphism]

I think if you spend a lot of time together and do other things together then friends with benefits won't work. Well the other fact is that you do have feelings for him and probably he has feelings for you too, so really if you just continue and then one of you finds someone for real then you're both going to get hurt. It just can't work.

[Junket]

What is the age difference and what are the "other" complications?

[intrepido]

Yea, what is the age difference? I have an age difference situation thing happening too. My ex is 30 and I 24 and it caused some problems, but who knows, maybe well get back together.

My cousin whos 25 is with a woman who is 35, who has 4 kids and everything is going great for them.

[Mish]

I'm not a man, but I can tell you that very few women can manage this type of relationship. Our vaginas are tied to our hearts. I suggest you stop this relationship immediately; it's never gonna work.

I agree with Vash on this. Most women's vaginas are tied to their hearts (With some exceptions ofcourse). The only women I know of who can sustain these kinds of FWB deals are the women who had been hurt too greatly in the past in a relationship and never want anything that serious again or women who are very young and made a decision to experiment before settling (Maybe also the travelers). Apart from these exceptions women slowly get attached with this setup. So if you find yourself getting attached maybe it's time to have a talk to see if you can further your arrangement.

[UnderTheRose]

So if you find yourself getting attached maybe it's time to have a talk to see if you can further your arrangement.

I agree...If you feel attached or want more you should probably talk about it.Maybe some men can, but most can't read women's minds Obviously.Maybe he will go for it, maybe he will not.But if you are getting attached and falling, and he is not interested in more, maybe you should break it all off because in the end, one or both of you will probably just get hurt

[misombra]

those feelings that are lurking are going to get worse.

having an fwb is like being drunk. first you start just sipping the beer or whatever you're drinking. you have one more and the night is early and you're feeling good, then you have more and more. then the next day you feel like shit and wonder if it worth all the pain you feel.

save yourself serious hurt and embarrassment, and leave him alone.

[Loverman1985]

Indeed girl.. quit while you still can!

[tanya78]

ok, that was all pretty unanimous! haha

We tried ignoring our feelings for about three months before anything happened. As I said, aside from the age gap there are other complications. The gap is ten years, not only that but he's only 18. Even as we get older ten years is going to seem like a lot. Despite the fact that we are so on a par and can talk about literally anything for hours...even enjoy disagreeing with each other!

I took 'Under the rose's' advice and spoke to him about it. He said that stopping is always an option, but that things will keep happening cause we like each other so much. I said 'well, thats more than a friendship then isn't it?' And he admitted that it is.

The fact is though, that due to our ages we won't ever be looking to build a life together, so whats the point of making it an official relationship? Sorry, I know Im trying to answer my own question here.

The other complication...I left my husband of 2 years over the summer (totally unrelated) and we're getting divorced. In the meantime it has been blatantly obvious to mutual friends that me n fwb are close. Even before anything happened there were rumours that got back to my soon to be ex husband just on the back of comments from various different people about us being like 'two peas in a pod' etc. We are starting to get refered to as a couple in casual conversation..." are x n tanya coming?" etc. Not in a gossip kind of way, just naturally by people who have spent a lot of time round us.

Its so frustrating to know that we probably have a better relationship than friends of ours who are 'couples', but that its not allowed to happen for us.

I know it won't work and I'll probably end up hurt but, walking into this with my eyes wide open, I'd rather have to get over it than miss out on how amazing things are when we're together.

You can quote me on that in a while when Im on here in pieces! lol

I don't know why (hormones probably) but Im finding it impossible to be sensible about this.

[vashti]

He's only 18??!? Jezus! He's just a kid. Trust me, your friends ARE talking about this.

[misombra]

were you born in 78? that would make you almost 30.

and he's 18? omg you are so crazy.

it's not your friends who are to blame in all the boyfriend/girlfriend rhetoric and discussion, it's you and the little boy you are molesting. did you know this child when you were married?

[GrkScorp]

were you born in 78? that would make you almost 30.

and he's 18? omg you are so crazy.

I'm speaking against my own interest here.. lol.. but.. the question still needs to be asked..

if you're almost 30, and he's 18.. have you given the distant future some thought?

where do you see this thing going 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 15,20 years from now?

think about 10 years from now.. you're going to be 40, he's going to be 28.. you'll be approaching the end of the cliff while he'll almost feel the tip of the mountain..

12 years, is a bit of a serious age gap.. lol.. I mean, my grandparents were 12 years apart from eachother.. but my grandfather was older, established, and that's how things worked back then..

you on the other hand.. have choice.. and ok, to be fair to him.. maybe he's a great guy.. but he's 18! that means you'll have to wait at LEAST 7 more years until he can get on his feet financially..

that's a long time.. by 34 the latest, you want to start having kids..

so, you have to put your head above this cloud of romance for a second and think about the long-term, the future, and the logic behind even staying in this relationship..

12 years is a BIG age gap.. nobody is going to lie to you about that.. and if you're willing to work through it.. that's great.. but be certain that he is too.. and it's highly unlikely that someone who's 18 is going to be thinking in their right mind about the long-term consequences of such choices and actions..

[tanya78]

ok, Ill have to defend myself here. 1, I wasn't born in 78 like my title suggests, the gap is ten years...not that that helps. I do know lots of couples with that age gap, my aunt and uncle for one and they're happy enough.

Two, I am by no means molesting a little boy! Have you ever met any 18 year olds? Hes a damn sight more grown up than lots of 30 year olds I know...and believe me, he is not being taken advantage of.

I just came on here to get some perspective, not to be accused of doing something illegal! I know the whole thing sounds crazy, but he's even spoken to his parents about us and they've said they don't think there'd be anything wrong with it. Like I said, people who know us can see we're close.

Ok forget it. Im just surprized there isn't anyone who can even see my point of view here.

[vashti]

I don't think you are doing anything illegal, and I know plenty of 18 year olds. Trust me, your friends are talking.