Dating services, is it cheating?

[Pretender]

I know everybody has different criteria for what cheating really is but I just want your opinion on this based on your OWN criteria

So like you know I've been dating this guy for 3 years and I was bored tonight and signed on his e-mail account and found that he has subscribed to a dating service. He's looking for a woman to have erotic chat and e-mails with and he doesn't mention that he is not single and hasn't been for a while. He lied about his age on it and put down where he lives.

Is it cheating what he is doing? I mean I dont' know if hes just doing that to look at free porn or to actually talk with someone. If he just wanted pictures why would he subscribe to a service that's a lot of work when all you have to type in is your favorite porn site. It hurts me alot.

I know I should confront him on this and I want to badly but he will say I was snooping around and shouldn't of looked at his e-mails in the first place which is true but many couples don't care if their partner looks at their e-mails. I never thought I would find that he had subscribed to a dating service and it broke my heart into even smaller peices (just a little humor to lighten the mood, I know it wasn't funny tho ).

Is he cheating?

[Illusional]

that's a good question... well ask yourself this, would he feel comfortable if you were to read his emails, and listen on it his converstations?? what i'm getting at is that he is flirting a lot and this might be a small problem now, but it will only grow. he might feel that he isnt' doing anything wrong, but eventually this will or has become a favorite past time. with more tempations, the bond that you and him have will only be easier to break later. raverboy

[squirrley]

uh well depends on what he is doing. If he is talking about sex or having cyber sex, I would consider it cheating.

The moron I was involved with had a girlfriend but he claimed he didnt know what to do...so I continued to have this online relationship with him, intimate conversations, not sex, but reading our emails it was more than a friendship.

IN MY eyes I felt like the other woman. Granted we didnt see eachother(different states and all) but the feelings were there.
I felt he was cheating on her...but I read in another site for men that it was healthy as long as their partner knew what was what, and the other person(online) also knew. WHAT A CROCK OF CRAP!!

Seriously, I would consider it cheating mentally. If hes not thinking about you and with someone else so what online or not -mentally he is being stimulated by someone else. If thats what he is doing.

I bailed out thank God!!!

But I wouldnt even know how to approach your b/f with that. He would be defensive about it, feel attacked, trust issues come up, then what? Its up to you if you feel you are being cheated on, you should ask him about it..."Are you happy?" that sort of thing...
being up front is important and getting right to the issue, but you dont want to accuse if it is something harmless...

girl goodluck!

[sfalexi]

I consider it to be so. Obviously guys and girls are gonna have their fantasies. They may go home and fantasize about some woman they saw at the mall that day in a tight skirt or something. But they're not acting out on it. I consider this to be acting out on it. And the fact that it's so personal too. If he had subscribed to some mass email fictional erotic story board, that's more along the lines of porn. Impersonal exchanges. This is personal. He's gonna be chatting back and forth, asking for her to 'act out' certain things and he'll be doing the same. Too one-on-one for ME to consider it 'ok'.

Lord knows I wouldn't want to open my girls emails and find erotic messages from some guy being sent to her. And her returning them.

Alexi

[Illusional]

true.. what squirrel and alex said is very true. it will depend on how you take it pretender and how you want to respond. raverboy

[Pretender]

Oh jeez I was hoping you guys would yell at me for snooping in his e-mails. But the fact is I don't regret going into his e-mail and I don't regret finding it. Just the thing is now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions and I don't want to.

I had second thoughts all lastnight and when I woke up about is this really cheating or not (because I am a pretty sensitive person at times and didn't want to over react) but really I have decided it is. If he just wanted porn he wouldnt' of lied about his age and put he was single. And plus Sfalexi said it was way too intimate and I agree with him. He'll be talking to strange women about sex and could eventually meet up with one. My bf didn't have the best of intentions concerning our relationship, when he subscribed and there is just no arguing that.

I have decided to break up with him but I still want to be friends. He's a 'good' guy and one of my bestfriends. Believe me when I say this I am not having second thoughts about staying with him. I just don't know how to sit down and have the talk with him because Squirrley nailed it he's going to be defensive and feel attacked and that is not what I want to go for. But I feel I owe it to him to be honest if I want to continue the friendship anyway. I think today I will be out a good friend hopefully he's going to be mature enough to forgive me about the e-mail but he shouldnt of been doing bad things to a good girl like me
.

I know this is the wrong forum subject for this but I don't want to double post. Any suggestions about how I should break it off with him and still remain friends? Should I tell the truth?

[squirrley]

let me ask you this-what brought you to check his email?

were you suscpicious already? If so-maybe go that route. You'll have to a legit and honest reason why if you want to remain friends. If you dont want him to feel attacked-tell him you feel you lost faith or trust in the relationship ITSELF, not him. Thats true right? Go with what YOU feel and not what he did. Granted Id want to tell him what it was, but you want to remain friends, so avoid placing blame on him.

Goodluck...

[Pretender]

I guess you could say I lost faith in the relationship. I never thought he would cheat on me not in a million years! but I was curious to see what his ex was writing him. She sends him things and writes she loves him on them, calls him all the time wanting to hook up so I was curious if she sent him any e-mails. I honestly never thought I'd find what I found. Which is why I keep trying to justify it in my head that it isn't cheating but I can't find a way yet.

[sfalexi]

Then use that. That you can't stand that his ex keeps calling and bothering you guys and you just can't believe he hasn't done anything about it and put a stop to it. And that you simply can't be in a relationship where the ex is such a hassle and so involved (obviously in more carefully chosen words than this right here, but that would make a good reason). And if he GAVE you the password to his email, then he shouldn't even have a right to be upset for you checking it. He already forfeited that right when he told you his login/password.

Good luck with it all. As to you two remaining friends, could be a good idea or a bad idea. For one thing, it takes TWO to remain friends so while you may want to remain friends, he may not and so don't worry about that as any fault of your own. Also, while you said you don't have feelings for him and won't, he may still have them for you (since he probably wasn't expecting this and may not have wanted it like you do) so it may actually just hurt HIM to remain friends and keep him from moving on. So be a little careful about the friends after a relationship status. And don't be surprised if he keeps calling you with "I want you. I want to get back together. We can make this work." (much like his ex is doing to him).

Alexi

[Pretender]

Thanks guys! Wish me luck this could get brutal. ::charge::

[Pretender]

O.k. you guys I'm a wimp I'm not going to do it like I said. I dont' want to get in a fight with him. My friend Darren and my bfs friend said he would never cheat on me and I should wait it out to see if it develops into something more. I am going to do this and slowly pull myself away from him if he doesn't come clean to me.

Tell me if this is stupid.

[squirrley]

Well-its ulitmately up to you what you do and what youre comfortable with, the decision you make.

Then ask yourself this? When youre NOT with him, arent you going to be wondering all the time what it is hes doing? So what if on the net? You KNOW and that will eat you up for awhile, if something you can live with then its your decision.

I wouldve talked to him about so its out in the open. Because down the road, something will come up, a fight, probably something stupid(cause most of them are) but guess what you'll have in you back pocket? YEP, and it will come out in the worst way, then where are you going to be? HMM? Thats what Im thinking WILL happen-wouldnt you rather TRY to talk to him now about it, then have it blow up in another arguement?

Just a thought...your choice...goodluck

[Pretender]

Your right about it maybe coming out in an argument, but I am a guilty part also in this and I will never give him anything he can use against me voluntarilly. I'm saying I'm guilty too because I did check his e-mail account. That will be the only thing that keeps it from coming out though honestly. I'm just worried about losing a friend squirrley or I would of already of talked to him about it. He will get very defensive and hate me for a while and I'm not ready for that. Hes my best bud.

[Illusional]

guilty?? in this country everyone is innocent UNTIL proven guilty. raverboy

[squirrley]

I get your point. I would understand you still wanting to be friends and such. So-go with what YOU feel is right for you!!!