how do i kno when to let go?

[sarahbreanne]

there's this guy. i've known him for almost about five or six years and we've been on and off. but he's the best person i've ever been with and he tells me that he still loves me and all but he'll say i love you can we get back together and such but then he'll back off and kinda ignore me. its a long long story and so much goes into it. but sometimes i feel like i should let go but i dont want to..

well i guess im just asking how do you know when to let go? any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanx

[Mish]

well i guess im just asking how do you know when to let go?

When you know that there had been a major trust issue and you could never trust the partner again or relationship is abusive or when you can see relationship going firmly into a dead end and no matter what you do will never make it change direction.

If you would like a more specific advice, please post more information.

[sarahbreanne]

well ok i guess i'll start from the last time we were bf gf.

everything was all good and we had a really stable relationship and everything. but then out of nowhere he just stopped talking to me and everything. we didnt talk for almost 2 months then he calls me out of nowhere saying that he messed up and he doesnt know why he stopped talking to me. im guessing it was a family problem but i dont really know. but he said he was really sorry and that he wanted to get back with me again forreal etc. but as soon as we started talkin more and hangin out more he just stopped talking to me again and wont answer my calls. and there is a pattern almost every time we'll go out and something will happen and then we wont talk for a while then one of us will call to say how are you and then the whole situation will start over again.

well i really love him and i kno his feelings are true and i kinda think its jus that he's kinda immature but ahh im really confused with the whole situation. but its been goin on for so long and we really have had a great relationship and he is a wonderful friend. and im so attached to him... yeah i probably sound obsessed with him i kno i sound pathetic and all but i have real feelings for him and i dont wanna let go but its getting so stressful wondering if he'll finally man up and be with me cus im not gonna stick around forever.

sorry if wat i said doesnt really make sense. its so hard to explain.

[bohemiandonut]

Oh honey. This sounds just terrible. Isn't there some way to convince yourself that he doesn't deserve you?

Where are you now? Are you back in the rekindling phase of your cyclic relationship?

[sarahbreanne]

at the moment we havent talked for a while.

yeah i lots of ppl have told me that he doesnt deserve me. and i kinda know it to. but there's jus so much between us and believe me i've tryed to just forget about him. i've tryed to just get away from him but i failed every attempt... idk its all a very confusing situation.

[bohemiandonut]

I've just had this breakthrough and you will be the first person I share it with. Hear me out.

As the girl, you have an advantage here: You can be vulnerable. Guys have it rough because we have to seem strong all the time or you ladies reject us. This guy is appealing to your inner feminine animus - by not allowing himself to be tied down to you, you see him as powerful and you want him more. But here's where your advantage comes in:

If you were doing this to him (sudden breaks in contact) he wouldn't be able to address it without just making things worse. But as the girl YOU CAN address it. At this point you probably don't want to go through the same old shit so if you want to be with him again you must do things different this time around. That is, tell him you miss him but also how those breaks in contact make you feel.

You know you can't make him promise not to break up with you, but you can make him promise to NEVER give you some unexplained silent treatment for 2 months. If he can at least promise to never do it again then you'll give him another shot.

I say put it all out there at this point. Others may disagree.

[sarahbreanne]

I've just had this breakthrough and you will be the first person I share it with. Hear me out.

As the girl, you have an advantage here: You can be vulnerable. Guys have it rough because we have to seem strong all the time or you ladies reject us. This guy is appealing to your inner feminine animus - by not allowing himself to be tied down to you, you see him as powerful and you want him more. But here's where your advantage comes in:

If you were doing this to him (sudden breaks in contact) he wouldn't be able to address it without just making things worse. But as the girl YOU CAN address it. At this point you probably don't want to go through the same old shit so if you want to be with him again you must do things different this time around. That is, tell him you miss him but also how those breaks in contact make you feel.

You know you can't make him promise not to break up with you, but you can make him promise to NEVER give you some unexplained silent treatment for 2 months. If he can at least promise to never do it again then you'll give him another shot.

I say put it all out there at this point. Others may disagree.

ah yes you are very very right and thank you for the advice but i've done exactly what you have said. that is how close i am to him. he knows EVERYTHING. i am very open with my feelings with him and i deff. let him know. he knows how i feel when he suddenly doesnt talk to me for a long time and he does feel very guilty and sorry but he keeps doing it. i love him very much and im a mess without him but its getting down to the wire. i dont know how long i can take it anymore...

[Mish]

well i really love him and i kno his feelings are true and i kinda think its jus that he's kinda immature but ahh im really confused with the whole situation. but its been goin on for so long and we really have had a great relationship and he is a wonderful friend. and im so attached to him... yeah i probably sound obsessed with him i kno i sound pathetic and all but i have real feelings for him and i dont wanna let go but its getting so stressful wondering if he'll finally man up and be with me cus im not gonna stick around forever.

sorry if wat i said doesnt really make sense. its so hard to explain.

No, you don't sound pathetic. I'm pretty sure most people would feel in a similar way were they in your shoes.

Why not just talk to him? Find out why he does this? What goes through his mind when he suddenly cuts off contact and stops talking to you? Is there some third party that makes him act this way?

[sarahbreanne]

No, you don't sound pathetic. I'm pretty sure most people would feel in a similar way were they in your shoes.

Why not just talk to him? Find out why he does this? What goes through his mind when he suddenly cuts off contact and stops talking to you? Is there some third party that makes him act this way?

thank you, ah well you see i have talked to him about it all and he has said things like he was insecure. oh that is a wonderful idea. to ask him what goes through his mind when he suddenly cuts off contact. but im afraid if i ask i will probably not get a straight answer. also i have feelings that there is as you said a third party making him act that way but i dont think he would say if there was. he is a bit immature and i think that has alot to do with it too..

[Mish]

thank you, ah well you see i have talked to him about it all and he has said things like he was insecure. oh that is a wonderful idea. to ask him what goes through his mind when he suddenly cuts off contact. but im afraid if i ask i will probably not get a straight answer. also i have feelings that there is as you said a third party making him act that way but i dont think he would say if there was. he is a bit immature and i think that has alot to do with it too..

Well, if you ask him and he doesn't give you a straight answer then you need to tell him that you don't know how much longer you can take this. It's unfair to you that he uses your patience and good will in this way. Tell him that next time he does it there might not be a next time. And if he still goes ahead with it then ask yourself if you can really allow yourself to be put through this hurt over and over again? Ask yourself if you really deserve it? If he continue dumping you like this with full knowledge that he hurts you do you really want to continue being with him? Knowing that your relationship with him will always be unstable.

[sarahbreanne]

yes it seems that thats what its going to come down to.

i just know that im going to have a real hard time getting over it all. i mean its been nearly six years.

but im smarter than to let it keep happening. i know that i dont deserve treatment like that and so does he.. maybe thats why he cut off the relationship. perhaps, he knows what he's doing and sees that its better to just not talk to me than hurt me? but its been so long to just stop talking to me completely...i just know its gonna be hard to deal with and i guess i dont feel ready to deal with it...