Worried. Advice needed. Cheating.

[hermionegranger]

I'm worried about a very good friend of mine (Marietta). She is 22 years old, a smart girl, a student, also working in a ministry. She has a boyfriend (Justin), with whom she's been together for about 7-8 months. They met in springtime, spent a lot of time together.

Her boyfriend has a lot of business trips out of the country. Actually - he spends most of the time on business trips. He is also 22 years old. It's not like he'd really want to go to the business trips, but he has to do so... And he's with her girlfriend about... 2-3 days a month, when he's not on a business trip. At Christmas he was home for 2 weeks, though.

She missed him a lot at first. Swore to stay true and really believed she could. But the relationship with her boyfriend didn't stay as good as it was at first, in spring or in summer. They had long distance calls every night and... after about a month.. they started to argue a lot. They're both a bit stubborn. And the arguments really... made her think that maybe he's not "the one" for her. Though they "kissed and made up" after every argument, still she didn't like the whole situation.

In October she noticed a good-looking and interesting guy (David) at the ministry she works in. She didn't flirt with him or anything, she just acknowledged the fact that David was a good guy, who'd probably be a very good boyfriend. David isn't her direct boss, but he works on a higher level at the ministry.

One day after work David and Marietta went to a cafeteria to have a friendly chat. They drank bear, ate... something. Justin arrived home that day. Marietta was supposed to meet him later on and she did. Only she was late for 4 hours, because she got too drunk and kissed David. She felt really guilty. She cried like nuts.

She didn't want this situation to repeat again. She spent more time with Justin and sort of forgot about David. In January, David called Marietta to tell her he's in love with her. She didn't know what to say. She didn't want to hurt Justin or to cheat on him. She was friendly with David, nothing more. David asked her to meet him and... she did. She got too drunk again and... had sex with David. And she felt terrible. She cried like nuts again. And when she told me about the situation, she cried again. She feels really guilty. She feels very bad! She didn't want to cheat on Justin, but she did. In the worst way she could possibly imagine.

She explained David that what they did was wrong and shouldn't repeat again. But they still have to work together! David told Marietta that he can't control himself near Marietta and that he's really in love with her. Marietta fears him a little, as well, because it seems like he can make Marietta do things she has never thought of doing before.

Justin is coming home this weekend and Marietta doesn't know, how to act or what to do. She doesn't want to tell Justin anything, because it would hurt him and probably end the relationship. But then again she knows, that not telling equals lying... big time. She told me she loved Justin. She told me she really cared for him... a lot. She doesn't want to lose him. But then again... he's going on another business trip on Monday already. They are still having arguments about silly things. She doesn't know where this is going. She liked David, maybe still does, I don't know. But she knows that she'd never have a long term relationship with David anyway. Which I also believe.

I'd really like to give some advice to Marietta. She's at home, sleeping and crying. She doesn't want to eat, she doesn't want to do anything, except sleeping. She says, that when asleep, she doesn't think about the things to come or the things she has done. I'm afraid she might even do something bad to herself. Justin's coming home, they're going to meet. She doesn't know if she can face him without crying. What to you think? What to do?

[vashti]

Tell her if she really doesn't want the behavior to repeat itself, lay off the booze and get a new job.

[Mathias]

Personally, I'd stay away from this situation. She dug her own grave here, and you're hurting yourself over this. Not really fair to you that she keeps dragging you in.

[hermionegranger]

Tell her if she really doesn't want the behavior to repeat itself, lay off the booze and get a new job.

Well, she has promised not to drink that much anymore. She has learned her lesson. I think Marietta knows, that if she hadn't had so much to drink those times, then these things would not have happened. And to me (to Marietta herself also) it is surprising that she had so much to drink. She doesn't even like drinking.

Getting a new job would be also something she could do, but I don't think she wants to, because she has finally found a job she really really likes. We'll see, where this is going...

Mathias, I can't stay out of this. Marietta is... actually my older sister. She wants my advice, she needs my advice. Though I am younger and some things are really surprising about her actions, but... I can't stay out of this anymore anyway. I know too much.

She's just going to have to live with this. She's going to have to forget, put it behind her. It's gonna take time. Don't know what this all would do to Justin, if he ever found out.

And David... well... appearantly called Marietta yesterday. She tried to tell him that these things are not going to repeat and that she's not dumping Justin. At first David was really disappointed and threatened to tell Justin everything. Marietta pleaded him not to do it... And a little later David told that he will accept Marietta's decision, but... he is still in love with her and wants to meet her. I don't know, what Marietta answered. She likes David as a person, Marietta told me. She'd like to be friends with him. But that wouldn't work? Would it?

[Mathias]

Well, she has promised not to drink that much anymore. She has learned her lesson. I think Marietta knows, that if she hadn't had so much to drink those times, then these things would not have happened. And to me (to Marietta herself also) it is surprising that she had so much to drink. She doesn't even like drinking.

Getting a new job would be also something she could do, but I don't think she wants to, because she has finally found a job she really really likes. We'll see, where this is going...

Mathias, I can't stay out of this. Marietta is... actually my older sister. She wants my advice, she needs my advice. Though I am younger and some things are really surprising about her actions, but... I can't stay out of this anymore anyway. I know too much.

She's just going to have to live with this. She's going to have to forget, put it behind her. It's gonna take time. Don't know what this all would do to Justin, if he ever found out.

And David... well... appearantly called Marietta yesterday. She tried to tell him that these things are not going to repeat and that she's not dumping Justin. At first David was really disappointed and threatened to tell Justin everything. Marietta pleaded him not to do it... And a little later David told that he will accept Marietta's decision, but... he is still in love with her and wants to meet her. I don't know, what Marietta answered. She likes David as a person, Marietta told me. She'd like to be friends with him. But that wouldn't work? Would it?

Nope. David is trying to get with her again so he can sleep with her. He sees the pattern where all he has to do is give her alcohol.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think Marietta should stay with Justin. He's not giving her what she needs. She should find a boyfriend, not David, and try to create a situation for herself that wouldn't be so unsatisfying that she'd be tempted to cheat.

[wxyz00]

I agree with Giga.. long distance is really hard and not for every body... Your sister needs to decide how important her relationship with Justin is ? Is she willing to continue it? Can she do it? It's better for her to breakup with Justin then continue on like this because she'll end up hurting herself really bad.

[hermionegranger]

Well, Marietta spent the whole weekend with Justin and she told Justin... well, she didn't tell him everything, but she mentioned that one time when she was really drunk, she kissed another guy. At first Justin was pretty upset, but after Marietta explained, she was too drunk to understand anything, and she promised not to do it again, they made up and enjoyed the weekend together.

Marietta told me, that she loves Justin and she has made herself (and also to me) a promise not to drink so much. At the moment she doesn't even want to see a bottle near her. She says it makes her sick inside. Mentally. So I think the drinking problem is solved for a longer period.

Marietta doesn't actually want to see David at all anymore. She feels used. She feels like a whore and she's still sobbing sometimes because of this situation.

I myself have thought that maybe this long distance relationship is not right. But Marietta doesn't want to break up with Justin. The business trips are supposed to end in June and after that Justin's going to spend more time at home, so maybe... maybe then everything is going to be even better. I don't know.

Marietta's going to have to forget this, but... it's probably gonna be hard. I could never forget such a thing, really. I know, I'd beat the hell out of David.

[vashti]

I know, I'd beat the hell out of David.

Why is that? He wasn't the one who cheated on the boyfriend; that was your sister. This is entirely HER fault.

[dsadsa]

i honestly believe that it will be best if your sister tells Justin everything.
Cheating is a very terrible thing to happen, and if a person stays with the person they cheated on it was become a very emotionally confusing situation.
Your sister may believe that since she loves Justin so much she doesn't have to tell him because she will never cheat again and everything will be alright. She may really love him and they may be perfect together and she may also never cheat again, which is a great expression of commitment, however she still is holding something on her shoulders that she alone can not bare. The weight of the situation may tear her apart slowly untill she breaks down to Justin months later about this problem which is too late to solve or she will hurt herself emotionally.
The best solution for her is to tell Justin everything that has happened between David and herself and that she still wants to solve Justin, so now they can work out the problem as a team.
Justin may forgive her and get back with her or he may break up her. Which ever one happens if it happens sooner it will be better for the both of them.

[hermionegranger]

Why is that? He wasn't the one who cheated on the boyfriend; that was your sister. This is entirely HER fault.

David knew Marietta had a boyfriend and Marietta had also told him that there won't be anything between them... Marietta is somewhat guilty, yes, but... I really think David was just using her. I mean... he has been married two times and has 3 kids. He isn't a usual guy next door.

[vashti]

Sorry, I know it is easier to think of your sister as a victim, but she could have said no. She chose not to because she enjoyed his attention. Since the beginning of time, men have been trying to get into girl's pants. Are you trying to say your sister didn't know this?

[thefallenheart]

she has a boyfried who works hard for her and loves her and continues to love her despite the fact that they argue a lot.

she got drunk once and went out of controll and kissed someone she should not have.

she then decides not to tell her partner about it 'so as not to hurt his feelings'... yeh right. forgive my stupidity but maybe it was shame and dishonesty that caused this lack of truth telling.

then its the whole 'ohh im so the victim. isn't he hot that i work with?' and expects people to feel sorry for her because she was unfaithfull. how does that work?

then, not having learnt her lesson last time, gets drunk again with the same person goes on a second drama-queen trip and expects people to feel sorry for her because she chose, please note that it was her choice to do this despite what happened last time and in full knowlage as to what David is trying to do, and screws anouther man whilst her boyfriend is out.

then she does not addmit to this ultimate lack of fidelity 'for fear of hurting his fealings'. <---- heavy sarcasm by the way.

she has dug her own grave. no one else has dug it for her, this is entierly her own falt in every sense of the word.

the only advice i can possibly think of is for her to admit to what she has done, not just a cop-out bit of it, and get a new job so as to avoid David and actuely learn from her mistakes and not drink or screw anouther man whilst he faithful boyfriend is not looking.

and if you are going to utter the words 'she does not want to hurt his feelings' or worst of all 'she does not want this reltionship to end' then simply know that the first is a cop-out and the second is redundant as a relationship that has got that bad is already ended. and yes the whole leaving the job part to avoid David is nessessary because he will try it again and again and again and again and, if he is a spiteful person, poison her career to the best of his abilities. and she can consider the whole loosing of her job one of the consequences of screwing around.

after all freedom is a meaningless word without the results of your choices.

[Gigabitch]

You know what? I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend if I was blind drunk. She messed around with David because she wanted to. The sooner she can admit this to herself, the sooner she'll be on her way out of this mess.

[boobaa]

Ugh, I've been in the situation of David. But I don't understand why he let her have sex with him if he knew it makes her feel bad. An asshole too, maybe?
Ok, I don't know this girl stuff, but mainly I support this Gigas opinion. I think being drunk is just an excuse.