Patching up after breakup

[Macky]

Hi all. This is my 1st posting and i am here to seek advice for a friend who was devastated by a recent breakup. Let's name my friend Q.

Everything written here is only from what I heard, but this is the best version I can give.

Q knew this girl, J, about half a year ago. She is his younger brother's friend. Q is 23 and J is 17.
Q met J when she was just recovering from a previous breakup (her boyfriend 2-timed her). Q just knew her and comforted her. It was natural that after knowing J for about 1 1/2 months, they decided to get together. There wasn't any serious courtship and a relationship was somehow instantly accepted by both parties.

Times together were great, according to Q. I can see from his profile at some networking sites that they seemed to be seriously and happily in love. Sometimes he would tell me how much they are in love, the different places they been to and sweet things that they did together.

There was an unpleasant incident half way thru' the relationship though, J attempted suicide because of the relationship. She thought that Q's qualities are so good that he might find another girl and abandon him. As at that time, Q was just a little cold towards her i think because of some other pressures.

4 months into the relationship, J went to work part time as she is still a student. At her workplace, there are a lot of guys who are older than her. And J being considered more mature in thinking than girls of her age, is well liked by most men, some even interested in her. She got to know this 20 year old guy, B. B knew she had a boyfriend but he still showed strong interest in her. Kept exchanging smses, bickering with J at work, always showing care and concern for her.

J was not unfaithful to Q. In fact, J was very honest. She showed Q all the smses exchanged with B, and what they talked about at work.

However, Q, in my opinion, is a highly paranoid character, all our friends somehow agreed. It wasn't long before Q suspected J of having an affair with B. He questioned her and that made J extremely sad.

One day, while the 2 hugged together, J told Q "I cannot feel the warmth you give to me. I cannot feel the same level of care and concern you give to me than B." That hurt Q a great deal. Q became slightly cold towards J after suspecting her. Once again, Q questioned J. J told Q that she did not mean what she said. It was just that kind of irrational, unexpected emotion that people sometimes have.

At that point in time, I do believe that J still loved Q very much. But, the relationship took a turning. Q still remained cold towards J. They tried to get back the feeling of sweetness, but all feelings seemed a little fake. Q thought that everything was going to be alright, Q was attempting to bring back the happy moments and feelings into the relationship.

Then the bomb came. The 2 were so cold towards each other that J felt it was too much to take. She initiated a 3 day cooling down period to reconsider this relationship. Q did not want that. Q felt that they were just in a low point of the relationship, everything can be solved if they can pull through, it wasn't as serious as reconsidering this relationship.

Just 1/2 a day into the cooling period, J smsed Q "Let's break up." Q rushed down to her house, knelt down and begged J not to end the relationship. In a moment of anger, J told Q "Actually, I did not love you at all for the past 5 months, I am only play acting with you, because I like to see you suffer. I have fallen for B already, compared to you, B is more understanding and caring, you did not give me that kind of care and concern as he did. And I think you are too emotionally weak, I don't really like that."

Q was loss for words. He felt extremely dejected. I met up with him a couple of times, spent so many hours repeating the same things to console him. But I felt all my efforts were futile. Because just hours after a few hours of consoling him, he called me and cried again. This lasted for a few days already, he suffered quite a lot by not sleeping, I suffered too, seriously lacked sleep because he was 'taking up' most of my time. But this is not the main point, he just cannot take in any of the words i say. I told him he should pick himself up, i told him so many things. I repeated so many times. He kept asking the same questions on and on... gets a bit frustrating sometimes.

Then he decided that he wanted to patch with J. He consulted me again. It was a weird choice, I have never been in love before. I gave him all the advice that I thought were wise. He met up with a lot of friends too. Some gave bad advice, some told him to just move on. He even met up with his ex girlfriend's boyfriend (the one that 2 timed him) to analyze the situation and her actions.

He came to a conclusion that the words she said during the breakup was not what she really meant, they were just a moment of anger, she just wanted a clean break, to make my friend completely discouraged. Q knows for sure that J really cared about him during their time together.

But, Q, being a very emotionally volatile and paranoid guy, kept thinking of a lot of things. Even until now, he was still unsure if J really meant what she said.

He devised a plan together with that ex boyfriend on how to win her back. Q told me the details about the plan. As a friend, I do not want to discourage him. I asked him to be brave, to be level-headed in carry out his plans. At the same time, I told him if everything fails he would feel much better because at least he tried to salvage this relationship, if it doesn't work, then perhaps they were not meant together.

Q seriously feels that they can last for a long time. He told me he was sad because he just doesn't want it to end that abruptly.

Again he was doubting his own plans, kept calling me and asking the same old questions. I raised my voice and scolded him for wasting all my time and energy if right now he still cannot take in the encouragement and assurance i gave him. Still, I don't think he understands.

He smsed J and asked her friend how she felt after seeing his sms. "Disgusted, and annoyed", that what J's friend told Q. It seems like the reason for the breakup was that (according to J's friend): Q was not sensitive towards her feelings, both were too stubborn, always wanting to win arguments. Q suspected her twice despite she being totally honest with him. J felt her modesty outraged when they got intimate (no sex here), she allowed him to touch her body at that time because she doesn't really know how to reject him. Q's view is that he could have sex with her, but he did not, because he thought of their future and she was just too young. The interesting thing is that B actually did not come to the picture. But i felt that B was unscrupulous and immoral to step into the relationship initially and now, B is trying very hard to console J, in hoping he can win her heart at her most vulnerable.

Is there anything I can tell my dear friend Q? I know how he feels, it must be emotionally devastating but I thought he was emotionally unstable for too long a time. Kept calling me and asking me repeated questions again and again and again... he was that insecure... I'm sure he did not call other friends as most of my friend couldn't stand his personality.

[Gigabitch]

What did that big neurotic mess expect out of a 17-year-old? Jeeze- tell him to pull his head out of his ass and take a look around. He is too old for her, and besides that, she's mean. And unstable. And did I mention she's mean?

Tell him to practice No Contact and work on moving past this unfortunate part of his life. If you're any kind of friend, you'll never let him date a teenager again.

[Macky]

ya i know she might seem too young. But I cannot fault him for going out with a young girl. He loves her very very deeply. You know, while walking on the street with me, he just broke down, sat on the pavement and cried.

I know we cannot give an illusion that every thing is going to work out fine, but as a friend, I can only console him and pray for him. I don't think I should say anything bad about that girl, and be so unthoughtful to his feelings.

If you put yourself in my friend's shoe, i think the last thing you want is for people to condemn why you choose such a young girl.

The problem here is that he just cannot remain emotionally stable despite all the hours i spent with him talking.