Divided or broken heart

[ConfusedH]

Just a premise: I really feel fragile, even if what I’m going to tell is not exactly what we can call a fair story, I hope you could please read it, try not to judge me, but to understand what I’m feeling, because behind such a strange story there is an hard pain in my heart.
That’s what happened:
I have a 9 years relationship with a girl I love. I’m sure she loves me, too…I can see it and feel it. We are just perfect together! Everything was good and everything was right under all the everyday life aspects.
But…
I met a girl (let’s call her B.),at first I felt fascinated by her inner side. She is an artist, and we can say that art is a part of me that I take in the shadow, but that, anyway, I always consider a part of me.
We began to share our experiences, our thoughts, for hours…days…. And at the end we literally fallen in love with each other. In the while I never left my girl, because I never gave up to love her too (please don’t judge me to hardly, I know it’s strange).
More than once we met, and we were like lovers… after a month, or something more, she asked me to be her boyfriend. I was so confused. I felt to love here, but I never even imagined to leave my girl. I and B. argued for long, at the end we made some steps backward and returned something similar to ”special friends” (don’t know exactly what it was). The main problem was that with a cyclic repetition we were friends-special friends-lovers-she ask me more-I didn’t gave her-we argue and then everything started again and again. For months… I acted in a real unconscious state, I wanted both, I really loved both, I gave all myself when I was with both… At the end the circle was broken and I and B. argued too much and gave up having any kind of relationship.
In this period I returned completely to my girl and B. found another man.
After some months B. wrote me and we meet again. At the beginning we were only good friends, with just good memories of the past left. We both had a relationship and there was a kind of equilibrium.
But…
After some weeks we begin again like before… I know it was unfair for my girl and for B. … but believe me I had no energy to give up, no will, because I really loved both. I knew that I would have missed one…
In the end:
B. asked me again to be fair with her, I didn’t want to be with her and we gave up having any kind of relationship again.
Some may ask: why my girl never asked me to be fair? – well just because she never knew about B.
One day - - - I woke up - - - and I realized what I did.
I felt so bad! I was a poor, miser, stupid man…too confused and a man who damaged other people.
I wanted to change myself, to start being fair. I know I’ve lost B. and belive me,this really hurts me, because even if I don’t want her to be my girl she is a really good girl, a good friend that I would miss. I asked her to forgive me, but everything is lost now.
The problem is:
1. I can’t give up thinking about what I did and how much bad it was
2. I miss B. and I know I’ll never have her again (as friend I mean) even because to be fair for once in my life I confessed everything to my girl and obviously she don’t want me to meet her
3. I made my relationship less stable due to my foults
I can’t stop thinking and feeling bad

What do you think about that? What can I do now… now that I know my foults, but now that too many lies I told, make for me impossible to do anything to regain her trust in me.

Please be kind

[TheSphinx]

That's the thing about indecisiveness.

You feel as if you're staying in the "safe zone" while avoiding making a decision, but usually your opportunities are crumbling around you.

You had an opportunity to stay and devote all of this time and energy to your relationship with your woman.

You also had an opportunity to decide that maybe your woman wasn't the girl for you and start a new relationship with the other one.

Because of your inability to decide, it appears as if you've lost both opportunities.

I've known men who have been brought to the lowest emotional and physical depths of life and have managed to claw their way back to living a normal one again. What they did, and what I will recommend to you, is to decide to learn from their past mistakes, decide to let them go, decide to make responsible choices as they arise, and not wait for circumstance to make the decision for them.

You can't directly control how other people see you as a result of your choices in life, confused. You can, however, control how you see yourself. So long as you are making decisions which are congruent with how you believe your life is best lived, there should be no shame, self doubt, or regret over any of them.

So pick yourself up, dust off your shoulders, and decide, today, what kind of man you are and where you want your life to go.

Once you've got this, you can decide your way to feeling better about yourself, being a better man for your woman and living a better life.

~Sphinx

[Mish]

The problem is:
1. I can’t give up thinking about what I did and how much bad it was
2. I miss B. and I know I’ll never have her again (as friend I mean) even because to be fair for once in my life I confessed everything to my girl and obviously she don’t want me to meet her
3. I made my relationship less stable due to my foults
I can’t stop thinking and feeling bad

What do you think about that? What can I do now… now that I know my foults, but now that too many lies I told, make for me impossible to do anything to regain her trust in me.

What can you do? Thank your lucky stars that your girl is still with you, she hasn't dumped you the moment she found out about your affairs. It's truly a miracle that you still have her in your life. It's astounding that after all that she still manages to trust you. This is where you have to start with those tiny threads of trust she still has in you. You need to patch them up as well as you can. It's not imposible. It would be imposible if she broke up with you, but since she hasn't there's still hope. Now is your chance to live up to the name of a "Good partner", make her feel special, loved, cared for. Make her feel good and peaceful on the inside. You owe her that much. And then maybe after you show your consitency in keeping her happy and if you are extremely lucky she will find a way to trust you once again.

[vashti]

Meh, I think your girlfriend would have to be a complete and total idiot to trust you again. You don't DESERVE to be trusted.

[ConfusedH]

Thank you so much Sphinx.
I know it's hard to understand my point without just thinking that I am the worst man on this earth.

QUOTE: "So long as you are making decisions which are congruent with how you believe your life is best lived, there should be no shame, self doubt, or regret over any of them."

I'll treasure your words!

Mishanya. I know it was a miracle...she is a really devoted girl, and I know how luky I am. you gave good suggestion...I'll try to follow them at my best. Thank you!

Vashti. I know my mistake, I know what I really deserve, but a man can make mistake, and when he understand what can de done? I have to kill myself for the sense of guilty I have (belive me, to understand your faults is the worst punishment). Anyway, even if I wor the first who had few respect of my girl, I hope yo won't write again that she is an "idiot"...sorry, I don't like that!

In the end I thank you all! It was hard to confess all my story.
Another question, maybe the last...

I know what I should do with my girl...what do you think about B.? What should I do with her?

[Mish]

I know what I should do with my girl...what do you think about B.? What should I do with her?

Leave her be she's now history. The one you still haven't lost is the one you should be devoting 110% of your attention to.

[vashti]

The fact that you are still pining away over "B" indicates you aren't ready for a relationship with "A", in my opinion.

For the record, I consider a "mistake" a one-time event. Your situation goes much deeper than a "mistake". It was a long-term, calculated deception. I could forgive a mistake, but not something so all-consuming.

[ConfusedH]

Unfortunately you're right...It was a long-term deception both for A and for B. I can see it now in the most clear way. I feel so bad, belive me... It happens that I can't sleep at night always thinking about that.
I know how luky I am... I know it is something out of normality that my girl forgave... it was her biggest proof of love, I know few people would have done the same for their partner.

I still talk about B becouse she was a really good girl too, a good friend. Obviously I hurted her too...and while having a relationship with my girl I can demostrate her through the years that I understood my mistake and that i can do something for her, I can't do nothing for B... No way to pay for my faults and to fell fair with her, to pay for everything I did. I know I will miss her as a friend. On the other hand I think that being friends would be even worst for B. She still writes me messages, I reply but I'm not shure I should...

I want be fair now.... want to be a better person....

[Mish]

Focus on that, being a better person. With better perception comes better attitude. Become good and live up to that expectation.

Perhaps the best thing you can do for B is just leave her be