So confused...

[Sweeney]

Okay, I'll try to keep this story short.

For my studies, I moved to some place about 200miles from my boyfriend, so I'm only seeing him at the weekends at the time being, but we've been together for like 3 years now and I love him.

But, I met someone over here who obviously "likes" me. The butterflies in my stomach start flying around even when typing this. I know that if I ask him for a date or whatever, he will accept. He has a girlfriend that lives a pretty distance away as well but he's just a player..... Don't know if they have an "open" relationship or whether he is just hiding things from his girlfriend.. To add; for me it's pure physical attraction, I don't want anything more or less from him than some fun for a while.

So: problem 1: I never want to sleep with someone else while I have a great boyfriend. It's just against my principles to cheat on him.

But my current boyfriend is the only one I ever had. So imagine it will stay great as it is. Will I die as a 80 year old wondering whether sex with someone else would have been different? Or wonder what would have happened if I pursued this? Cause there is something going on between the two of us.

Now what should I do? Keep suppressing those feelings and living for the weekends, when I'm lying in bed with my boyfriend wondering what it would be like with someone else? Or give it a one night shot just to dampen the curiosity and then start suppressing the guilt?!

I just seriously don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend and don't want to loose him. Yet still this other person is highly attractive and exciting and I don't ever want to regret something I didn't do...

Please give me your thoughts on this?!

[bluesummer]

Ouch, this is a tough one. How old are you?

I think the only thing I can say for certain at this point is do not cheat. That's not only going against your moral fibre, but is unfair to him. Sex is not worth it.

I guess this all comes down to the dynamics of your relationship. Do you and your bf intend this relationship to be long term, as in marriage? I for one could not imagine marrying the first guy I dated or slept with. It would have denied me all the wonderful experiences I've had over the years with other people. I know now, that when I get married, I'll never have to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. 'Cause I've tried all the rest, and know I've got the best.

However, I will not say that only being with one person is the wrong thing to do, because it's not. It certainly feels good to have the attention of someone else, but not at the expense of a really good relationship. You really need to ask yourself if you are willing to give up your current bf.

[Sweeney]

I am 21 years old and I absolutely do not want to give up my boyfriend. We've been even been discussing living together once I've finished my studies. I'm pretty happy with the way it's going.

It's just that I can't stand the thought of not knowing how it would feel like with someone else. And this would be a great opportunity to try something else.... He doesn't want anything more, I don't, there's a LOT of chemistry...

[GCadman225]

I think I understand what you're talking about. Someone else asked you out but you wanna stay with your original b/f. When was the last time you and he (the original guy) last communicated? Next time you see/talk to him you might want to have a little chat, y'know... not like one of those "we shouldn't be together anymore/i'm pregnant with some other guy/i don't love you now for no adequately explained reason" chats, just a quick little "you still OK with the whole relationship thing" kinda one. idk My ideas blow.

[bluesummer]

It's just that I can't stand the thought of not knowing how it would feel like with someone else. And this would be a great opportunity to try something else.... He doesn't want anything more, I don't, there's a LOT of chemistry...

Okay, are you looking for justification for cheating?

Your options are this:

1) Cheat on your bf
2) Discuss with your bf what he feels about taking a break from the relationship
3) Break up with him (esp if you really think you might cheat)
4) Get over this guy

Those are your options. Weigh the consequences and decide which one is going to work best for you. Unfortunately, this is one of those cases of "you can't have your cake and eat it too".

[babycarrot]

I believe if you really love your boyfriend you will not cheat on him. I am someone who has had a lot of long term relationships, and a lot of crushes during these relationships. I have never cheated on anyone I was ever exclusive with.

I also think that you may feel such a strong attraction to the other guy because you feel lonely without your bf around. This is completely understandable. But if you cheat on him, you will feel very guilty, if you truly love him at least.

[vashti]

I think you should break up with your boyfriend. You are too young to be tied down, and yes, you will probably wonder "what if" later on.

But stay away from the guy you are hot for. He has a girlfriend, and he sounds like swine.

[SunRiSer]

I believe if you really love your boyfriend you will not cheat on him. I am someone who has had a lot of long term relationships, and a lot of crushes during these relationships. I have never cheated on anyone I was ever exclusive with.

I also think that you may feel such a strong attraction to the other guy because you feel lonely without your bf around. This is completely understandable. But if you cheat on him, you will feel very guilty, if you truly love him at least.

I agree ...

[Gribble]

Errrh. Yeah. How can you possibly want to cheat on a loving boyfriend with a guy you describe as a player? That's low down and dirty. Dump your boyfriend because you are too young to be tied down. But find a decent guy to date. Not just some asshole who views you as a breathing sex toy.

[Sweeney]

First of all: thanks for the quick replies.

One: I do not want to dump my boyfriend. I've heard it more often that I'm too young to be tied, but we're getting along wonderfully well. You guys hit the right spot: I AM lonely here. I've been living in Amsterdam a few months now and I hardly know anyone. I call my boyfriend, let's call him Tom, on a daily base. If I dumped him, who would I talk to about my boring everyday happenings?! I'm hanging on to sanity, but I do need his feedback. I think the problem wouldn't have existed, had I been at home with him. And you're right, there's no way I could cheat on him even if I wanted. I would probably tell him if I did and leave it up to him to trust and forgive me or not to.

Second: the guy I'm attracted to, for chatting purposes called Tony. I'm a student and I'm doing an 8 month internship. Tony is not my supervisor, but he is a PhD student at the same department. I see him every day. Like today, we were at lunch tables next to each other and facing each other. His eyes managed to find mine about every minute. And he keeps saying things like that skirt looks great on you, or when I'm showered with rain, he says, so, you can even look good when trotting around like a wet cat. And every time he adds that he can say that to me, because I'm not Zara, which is "his" student, under his direct supervision. So in my opinion he is indicating that he doesn't mind the fact that he should be my superior in a way.

I have no idea how to respond really, is it be wrong not to discourage him? I must say I really like the attention, how wrong it may be... On a party two nights ago, he asked me to join him - alone - to a cocktail bar and I refused, because I know the two of us alone would mean trouble. I will stay out of that kind of thing. But can I keep flirting every now and then? Or is that unfair to our Tony?


For the ladies who want to know what my body wants: picture here [edit: I cant post links yet... too bad!]. He's the one in the front. You can imagine why my fantasy runs off with me and him every now and then eh?

[Sweeney]

Errrh. Yeah. How can you possibly want to cheat on a loving boyfriend with a guy you describe as a player? That's low down and dirty. Dump your boyfriend because you are too young to be tied down. But find a decent guy to date. Not just some asshole who views you as a breathing sex toy.

And to reply to this: I'm pretty much used to having sex every day with my bf until I moved (and often more than once a day!)... This whole thing is just pure physical... I just get turned on twenty times a day it seems right now, probably every time I see this Tony... I don't want a damned thing but getting laid I guess... Horrible eh

[bluesummer]

I understand the loneliness and the lack of sex might do crazy things to your brain. I went without sex for three months once and it made me absolutely ravenous for it. However, don't let the urges overcome you.

When it comes down to the flirting, I would just make sure it doesn't go too far. Flirting is natural and lots of people in relationships do it, but again there's boundaries. Think of it this way: what level of flirtation is acceptable between your bf and another girl? Whatever the answer is, should hold yourself to the same standard. I'm pretty sure you would not be cool with your bf going to meet a flirtatious girl at at cocktail bar, so you were right not to do it yourself.

[Sweeney]

When it comes down to the flirting, I would just make sure it doesn't go too far. Flirting is natural and lots of people in relationships do it, but again there's boundaries. Think of it this way: what level of flirtation is acceptable between your bf and another girl? Whatever the answer is, should hold yourself to the same standard. I'm pretty sure you would not be cool with your bf going to meet a flirtatious girl at at cocktail bar, so you were right not to do it yourself.

Actually, I don't know what I would find acceptable. One thing I know: he should not cross the lines when I'm with him. But, for example, if he just loves dancing, would it be wrong if he did that with another girl, when I'm far far away? I know I wouldn't like him dancing with some girl when I was standing next to it, but yeah, when I'm not around to keep him occupied? Where's the harm?

I guess I draw the line at kissing. That is not acceptable, let alone anything more intimate. So yeah, you're right, I shouldn't cross that line either.

Thanx for the helpful comments

[IndiReloaded]

Why don't you just tell your BF you are feeling attraction for other guys? Not in a cutting way & don't mention anyone specifically, just that you're feeling it.

Perhaps he can turn up the heat a bit more for you. Watch some porn together, get books on sexual technique. Lots of stuff on the web you can look at together. Sounds like Fri-Mon needs to be spent mostly in the sac, and that so good that you are chomping at the bit by Wed-Thurs to see him again.

You sound a bit attention starved, to me, which is why you are susceptible to this other fellow (who sounds like an ass, BTW). If you seriously care about your BF, you should let him know this, rather than resorting to cheating. Or perhaps he'd be into a threesome, don't know until you discuss.

[Sweeney]

Why don't you just tell your BF you are feeling attraction for other guys? Not in a cutting way & don't mention anyone specifically, just that you're feeling it.

Perhaps he can turn up the heat a bit more for you. Watch some porn together, get books on sexual technique. Lots of stuff on the web you can look at together. Sounds like Fri-Mon needs to be spent mostly in the sac, and that so good that you are chomping at the bit by Wed-Thurs to see him again.

You sound a bit attention starved, to me, which is why you are susceptible to this other fellow (who sounds like an ass, BTW). If you seriously care about your BF, you should let him know this, rather than resorting to cheating. Or perhaps he'd be into a threesome, don't know until you discuss.

Now you gave me the best idea. He's always joking how I jump on him like some hungry animal when I get back home and whether I can't amuse myself here... I'll ask him semi-joking how he would think about it if I got some "toy" for when I'm here. Maybe he'll say he won't mind.




Dream on..................................