Hi everyone

[Asparagoose]

I just want to say hi to everyone here.

A little bit about myself. I just turned 28 recently this year. I'm not too tall, but not short either. I'm not a heavy guy, I stay in shape and go to the gym and jogging each weekend.

I just recently broke up with my girlfriend. We were together for about 4 years. She was really the only girlfriend I had. I'm not a bad looking guy. Everyone always tells me that i'm really good looking, and even other girls tell me that I must be really lucky with girls, but i'm not. I never was.

All through highschool and then again in college, nobody ever seemed to be interested in me. I didn't get it. And maybe it's just recent events talking for me, but my ex was really the only girl that ever talked to me. When she talked to me, I knew she was interested. Growing up, I tried to talk to girls. But they would always want to just be friends, or would always start telling me that they didn't feel the same way about me, and then start telling me about this other guy they liked. And it hurt. But my ex wasn't like that. She was really nice. It almost seems like yesterday, I can't believe 4 years went by. It almost feels unreal.

But now that we're not together anymore, it just feels that I won't ever find anyone again. It sounds stupid, but I don't like going outside my house in the morning on my way to work. I see all the people out there, couples or people interested in eachother and it just reminds me of what I don't have. I had it only once, and now it's gone. I know it sounds wrong, but I feel like I want to cry sometimes. I just don't understand it. I'm not bad looking, i'm not unsuccessful, i'm not rude or mean, but i'm never more than just a friend.

I just want to know what i'm doing wrong, and what I have to do to fix it. I'm over my ex. She broke things off but i'm over it now. I just want to be able to move on and live a normal life like other guys.

[GrkScorp]

I just want to know what i'm doing wrong, and what I have to do to fix it.

That's what I want to know..

I read through your post a couple of times, but it was like a total mind-fcuk..

I can't quite place my finger on exactly what your sticking-point might be.. for now it looks like a couple of things.. but it's not entierly clear.. I found your post to be a little vague.. there's no need to be shy or timid on here.. we don't know you, you don't know us, and anytime you want, you can ignore anyone or just leave.. no harm done, you have nothing to lose, no social consequences.. relax.. and just try and be a little more detailed and specific..

The only thing that's clear, is that if you're indeed over your ex.. but you were still motivated to search for LF, and make such a post.. there's something else in your life that's bringing those feelings up right now.. an other girl? see her often or on the regular? How long ago did you and your ex break up?

Also, don't take it too hard on yourself.. your first relationship is destined for failure anyway, unless the two of you are fairly new.. It sounds like the years went by, she wanted to take you in and change you into the guy she wanted, but was too frustrated that progress was so slow.. (that's ok.. there should never be progress in changing people).. But despite all this, there's an important lesson you should take out of this.. look at it in a positive way.. good..

Her frustration was not there because she couldn't mold you into how she wanted you to be.. The cause was you.. not understanding her or reading her well enough to realize what she wanted and needed.. When you failed to understand her, that's when she tried to mold you.. So the issue is with you, not with her.. and thankfully, it's something you can work on and improve in yourself.. The ability to read into people, and feel what they feel, understand what/why/how they're thinking..

For the moment, I think based on whatever you've said so far, that's your biggest sticking point.. You look at that new girl.. strange, new, unfamiliar, unknown, a mystery.. And you have no idea where to begin.. everything is unfamiliar, everything is a mystery.. looking at her and trying to understand her is like trying to find a hint of light in a pitch black cave.. And when that's the case, it feels like you're shooting darts at a target, with blindfolds on.. And you're afraid that you may hit the wrong target, push the wrong button.. but you want to hit the right target.. you want her to like you, but you don't know how to go about it.. it's a mystery.. you have no way to connect and feel what she's feeling, how she's thinking.. and that lack of information leaves you in the dark, and it's naturally an uncomfortable place to be..

Before you re-post with some more details to your story.. may I suggest the following read:

- You Can Read Anyone, by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D

You might want to get this one.. the results are instant.. because the system used doesn't rely on body language, intuition, or cold-reading..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Asparagoose]

Yup I'm over my ex for good. She would have a problem with my best friend, she would never like it when I would go out but would always call me out with her friends or go with her friends alone. Before I knew it, the only social group I had were her friends. She completely ruined my social life. And she would also complain about sex all the time. She would tell me to get pills to try and make my penis thicker, or try and get some cream to make it last longer, and stuff like that. Then one day one of her friends and I were talking, and her friend really felt bad for me, so she told me that my ex basically didn't really have a problem with sex, but just thought it was funny to tease me like that. That's not my idea of teasing though. For the longest time, I felt like I have a problem. Like I wasn't good enough. And I even told her that she was the first girlfriend I ever had, but I guess she just didn't want me to leave, but it's not like I would. I felt pretty disrespected, so when she broke things off I was a little upset because now I would be alone, but at the same time I felt happy and liberated.

I'm sorry, I just got back home and i've been drinking a little bit. Things I know I need to work on are my confidence. Even though my ex's friend told me that my ex didn't really mean all those things she was saying, after 4 years of hearing them constantly, I feel like maybe i'm not really that big enough down there or that I should try and do something to last a little bit longer.

Also, the thing about not knowing what to do is spot on. I'm not afraid to admit it that I don't have the first clue what to do. I've never walked up to a girl before and started the conversation or started talking. I can't say i'm really shy. I'm a financial consultant, so I deal with people every day. But when it comes to outside of the workplace, I can't just want up to someone I don't even know and start talking or introduce myself. I don't know why, but I just can't do it. All the girls i've talked to in my life, i've met through friends and family or school.

Yes, lately there's this girl at work. She must be younger than me, and works in IT consulting. We met at a corporate culture event, and we talked for a little bit. It wasn't anything special, and she works on a different floor so there's not really any reason to go and meet her again. But she did tell me that she's going to be rotating and will eventually come by to our department for 6 months.

I'm not a big fan of reading, but i'll give it a try. Thanks

Should I get her some coffee or breakfast maybe just to be nice, or do you think I should wait until she has her rotation in a couple of months at my department?

[GrkScorp]

I'm not a big fan of reading, but i'll give it a try. Thanks

Should I get her some coffee or breakfast maybe just to be nice, or do you think I should wait until she has her rotation in a couple of months at my department?

First of all, reading that last part made me want to cry.. while I was reading it, I closed my eyes slowly, rested my face on my palm, and started to shake my head..

Please.. DON'T do this.. Google (supplication).. and remember, that it's never attractive, it's highly unattractive, and you don't need to do it to communicate that you're a gentleman, in fact, please, you may hear all the women in the world say they want a gentleman.. but they are not "attracted" to your idea of what a gentleman is.. so just steer clear from this kind of behavior..

Secondly, please read..

I'll get back to the rest of your post later.. I have to get going now..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Gribble]

Not a big fan of reading? I feel sorry for you. But I guess going through life without thinking isn't so bad. Ignorance is bliss, right?

[GrkScorp]

Things I know I need to work on are my confidence.

I think that's a bit of an understatement..

Not to imply you have no confidence.. You do have confidence, but you'd like to have more.. the issue is, that the confidence you DO have, is not confidence you're happy with.. and it lacks sufficient validation from multiple meaningful sources..

So, whatever you think you know about yourself.. just put it on the side.. now.. just imagine a plain, white, empty room.. And in this room, you're going to start re-filling it, with "who" you are..

No, you don't care what happened when you were 5, or in high school, or with that girl you liked.. none of that matters, because none of that is who you are.. whatever happened up to this point, was a result of not being fully aware of who you are.. the result of this uncertainty.. but from now on, as you start to become more and more aware of who you are.. you're going to notive a completely new world in front of you, a completely new way in which people react and respond to you, now

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Was I a good student in high school?
2. Was I a good student in college?
3. Am I a respectful person towards others?
4. Do I care how others feel?
5. Do I respect other people's feelings?

I already know the answer to all these questions is "yes", so the point of asking yourself these questions is NOT to get a simple "yes" answer.. but to ask yourself what that "yes" answer really means.. what does it say about you?

6. Why did you choose to go into your line of work?
7. How have the events in your life made you into a better person?
8. What is the change that you would like to see for yourself?
9. What do you want from life?
10. What are you doing to get it?

As you think about what the answers to those questions mean exactly.. start to fill up this empty room with this information, with these ideas, concepts, and feelings.. this is who you are.. don't stop until you feel the room is full..

Now, start reading that book.. and look-up the thread on "Inner Game"

Best,

GrkScorp

[FoxyLaydee]

Yup I'm over my ex for good. She would have a problem with my best friend, she would never like it when I would go out but would always call me out with her friends or go with her friends alone. Before I knew it, the only social group I had were her friends. She completely ruined my social life. And she would also complain about sex all the time. She would tell me to get pills to try and make my penis thicker, or try and get some cream to make it last longer, and stuff like that. Then one day one of her friends and I were talking, and her friend really felt bad for me, so she told me that my ex basically didn't really have a problem with sex, but just thought it was funny to tease me like that. That's not my idea of teasing though. For the longest time, I felt like I have a problem. Like I wasn't good enough. And I even told her that she was the first girlfriend I ever had, but I guess she just didn't want me to leave, but it's not like I would. I felt pretty disrespected, so when she broke things off I was a little upset because now I would be alone, but at the same time I felt happy and liberated.

Gee whizz! What is wrong with women nowadays? Don't they know how to happy with what they have??

I am so sorry you're going through this right now - being single sucks (at times). You do sound like a very decent guy and I have no idea why a woman like your ex did the things she did. Sometimes I don't even understand my own gender! Then again, I was told I am not the typical woman!

Should I get her some coffee or breakfast maybe just to be nice, or do you think I should wait until she has her rotation in a couple of months at my department?

You can do that - it's a friendly gesture but I would wait till you see her again.

[GrkScorp]

Gee whizz! What is wrong with women nowadays? Don't they know how to happy with what they have?

Yeah.. I just finished watching "Fool's Rush In" on TBS..

It got me thinking back to this article in the Times once;

"Every women, has the same exact love-life, the one she's always wanted, the one she's always dreamed about, the one she's made into her reality with the man she's with"

I guess that starts to partly explain the female urge to try and change the other person.. in an effort to try and make them into the person they want, to complete their dream of the love-life they want

But that's not at all what's going on here.. unfortunately..

[FoxyLaydee]

Yeah.. I just finished watching "Fool's Rush In" on TBS..

Oh I don't remember what the movie is about! Think I'll watch it one of these days - in the mood for old movies.

It got me thinking back to this article in the Times once;

"Every women, has the same exact love-life, the one she's always wanted, the one she's always dreamed about, the one she's made into her reality with the man she's with"

I guess that starts to partly explain the female urge to try and change the other person.. in an effort to try and make them into the person they want, to complete their dream of the love-life they want

But that's not at all what's going on here.. unfortunately..

LOL - I for sure do not have the same exact love life! Throughout all my Rs (all 3 of them), they were all DIFFERENT!

Experiences change me - so it's only natural for my expectations to change as well so when the next guy comes along, I know whether to pursue or not. I don't try to change anyone, not my friend, SO or siblings... who they are, make them unique. I just learn to adapt to that person and vice versa.

[GrkScorp]

Yup I'm over my ex for good. She would have a problem with my best friend, she would never like it when I would go out but would always call me out with her friends or go with her friends alone. Before I knew it, the only social group I had were her friends. She completely ruined my social life. And she would also complain about sex all the time. She would tell me to get pills to try and make my penis thicker, or try and get some cream to make it last longer, and stuff like that. Then one day one of her friends and I were talking, and her friend really felt bad for me, so she told me that my ex basically didn't really have a problem with sex, but just thought it was funny to tease me like that. That's not my idea of teasing though. For the longest time, I felt like I have a problem. Like I wasn't good enough. And I even told her that she was the first girlfriend I ever had, but I guess she just didn't want me to leave, but it's not like I would. I felt pretty disrespected, so when she broke things off I was a little upset because now I would be alone, but at the same time I felt happy and liberated.

I got good news, and I got bad news..

- The good news is; you have 3 more months to live..
- The bad news is; the good news was based on the results from the test we ran 3 months ago..



Seriously.. as you'll see for yourself when you read the book.. there are two directions you can analyze character by:

(Cause) --> (Effect) "useful for when you want to predict; used in misdirection & testing for congruence"
(Cause) <-- (Effect) "useful for backwards rationalizing to discover and reveal motives"

In her case, the (effect) is her actions.. the actions she's taken time to think about, to try and satisfy some need of hers, a need caused by something.. a (cause).. We know her actions; so it's just a matter of looking for what the (cause) was..

As far as "sexual preformance" goes.. put the pieces of the puzzle together.. She obviously tried to make you feel very insecure about yourself, and your ability to satisfy a woman sexually.. In effect, she tried to lock you into the relationship by exploiting a very sensitive aspect about you.. (the fact that she was your first girlfriend, and that you had no other experience, hence opinion about your sexual preformance).. let's dig deeper.. "why" would she do this? Because she feared that you would leave her.. (something you said explicitly was not, nor would ever be the case).. Put 1+1 together.. Although you made it clear both explicitly and implicitly i'm sure to her that you would never leave, she still felt motivated to do this to make sure she would retain some control over you.. This is a result of her insecurity.. but let's not stop there.. Her insecurity was triggered and irritated by something.. That's why she felt fear-of-loss so much that you actually picked up on it.. And what would cause her insecurities to fire off like that, is her feeling that you were too good for her.. In relative terms; she felt that you were better than her, AND she also felt that she was lesser in value in relation to you.. (this was the cause).. so to compensate, she took action in the form of trying to put you down..

Again, get used to making this type of analysis on your own.. for your friend; the cause was due to the fact that she didn't want him motivating you to break up with her.. Most likely she felt that when the two of you were out, he would make you aware of how horrible she really was, how unfortunate of a situation you were in by being with her.. To prevent this, she tried as much as possible to limit your contact with him.. I would also not be shocked if she tried to also insult his character and paint bad picture of him artificially through classic female language-tools such as (sleezy, immature, loser, childish, insecure, jealous, etc).. Constantly trying to contrast the two of you (to try and motivate the idea of the two of you being more different than you really are, inside your head).. perhaps she would call you "better" than him in some way, and call him "lesser" than you in some way.. and constantly assert this contrast.. again.. the cause was her perceiving your value in the relationship to be relatively higher than her value in the relationship.. triggering her insecurities, motivating her to take such action..

Not only should you feel happy and liberated.. you should take as much time as you need.. and it's really important that you do.. to realize the reasons she did all of that..., the reasons "why" she did it.. are more important than "what" she did.. her motives reveal more about you than her actions.. She actually felt that in relative terms, you had more value to offer than she did.. it triggered her insecurities.. and she acted the way she did.. but all that matters; is that now it's over.. and you know how much she really did value you.. she thought you were too good for her, you know that's why she did all that.. now.. one last thing..

No, i'm not psychic, i'm just a guy like you.. No, don't call her up or contact her to tell her about her nature now that you know what it all means and why she did what she did; people are very defensive about these things, and even well-educated & mature people find it hard to accept their flaws, so she'll only try and deny it; but i'm going to go out on a limb here, take a wild guess and say with some degree of certainty that she's not exactly as well-educated as you.. or at least the fact that you were a financial consultant always made her feel intellectually inferior.. that's all history though.. and it's good.. good that you've moved on.. good that you're looking in front of you now.. good..

And in front of you.. you'll be able to read people like this with ease.. if I can do it through a computer, half a world away, i'm sure you can do it in person.. with more details and facts to work with.. an orgy of information if you will.. it's just a matter of practice..

But now that you know what your relationship revealed about your character.. you can add that information to your room.. and keep it there.. that's a good place for it.. now.. read.. I have to find that funny video of a children's rap song "read a book.. read a book.. read a motherfcukn' book".. I think this video applies here..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Asparagoose]

I'm sorry about taking so long to post back, it's just that I just got back from Easter over my friend's house.

I started reading the book. I liked the part where it said "you can learn more about a person through an hour of play, than through a lifetime of conversation"

It's easy to take the time and sit with the book and break down the facts about someone. But in the moment, I guess you have to have plenty of practice to be able to do it quickly enough.

I'm completely over my ex, so there's no way I would call her again. It doesn't really matter why she did what she did, all of that is part of the past like you said.

Very accurate though, you must have spent years doing this. She had her degree in Film. She wouldn't really do much with it. Sometimes she would find jobs to teach, and other times she would do independent jobs here and there. I made a joke once that she could shoot our wedding video, and she took that personally. I guess it was a pretty bad joke anyway.

I see what you mean though, and it's so true. The part about shifting focus and altering reality to manipulate what's really important to try and redefine things to fit her needs. That's exactly what she would do all the time. She would always call my work boring and dull to try and make it sound unimportant and not interesting. Then she would focus on going out to museums and film festivals, and would constantly ask me what I thought was great about this movie and that movie, and I had no idea because it's not my thing. So she would try and assert her dominance in any way she could, the only way she could. Thinking back on it, it was pretty dumb of me to not pick up on that back then.

Everything about her insecurities is so true. She would ask me all the time why I was still with her, why I don't just go and find someone better. And I guess I was just flattered when she would tell me that I looked good and was so nice to her and that she felt so lucky to find someone like me. It didn't really hit me on what all of that really amounted to. But it makes sense.

I read up to the chapter that talks about if she's really confident or if she's just insecure. And that's really my main question. It says to just back off and not bother talking to people who are strongly defensive and in denial of their insecurities. But again, how can you just break down someone's character in person at the moment? I don't want to be walking around with a book on me when i'm talking to people and tell them to wait while I try and make sense of what everything they say reveals about their character.

Oh. Where did you get the information about confidence and awareness of yourself? It sounds really interesting, and i've started doing it but I couldn't find it in this book, so i'm guessing it's from somewhere else. If you don't mind, i'm really interested in finding out more on that topic. I think that's what I really need to work on, and so far, everything you suggested seems to be working. At the very least, I feel more comfortable and less nervous when i'm out in public.

Thank you so much Grkscorp

[GrkScorp]

But again, how can you just break down someone's character in person at the moment? I don't want to be walking around with a book on me when i'm talking to people and tell them to wait while I try and make sense of what everything they say reveals about their character.

Oh. Where did you get the information about confidence and awareness of yourself? It sounds really interesting, and i've started doing it but I couldn't find it in this book, so i'm guessing it's from somewhere else. If you don't mind, i'm really interested in finding out more on that topic. I think that's what I really need to work on, and so far, everything you suggested seems to be working. At the very least, I feel more comfortable and less nervous when i'm out in public.

You edited your post to say "Thank you" and you considered starting off an interaction with her via buying her breakfast.. hmm..

That's being a little too nice.. I don't care though, because i'm not a girl.. So, you're welcome..

Can you break someone's character down instantly and at the moment? Yes.. yes actually.. you can.. so well in fact.. that you break it down using SNAP from (effect) ---> (cause).. then as they continue talking.. test to see if you were right by what your predicted behavior would be.. (cause) ---> (effect).. and then use non-SNAP systems such as body language, facial expressions, microsignals, voice tonality & quality, intuition, and cold-reading to test for incongruence.. It just takes practice.. but it's the most natural thing in the world.. anyone can do it.. so the idea shouldn't intimidate you at all just because it's unfamiliar at the moment.. everything new and unknown is a little intimidating in the beginning.. but as you start to get better at it through practice.. you notice how much more comfortable and relaxed you feel when you're in the mode of doing it..

If you don't mind.. that's private.. good.. that's good that you're feeling more comfortable with yourself.. also good.. that you're reading..

Best,

GrkScorp

[GrkScorp]

Not a big fan of reading?

I found it!

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rN2VqFPNS8w"]YouTube - Read A Book[/ame]

[Asparagoose]

Can you break someone's character down instantly and at the moment? Yes.. yes actually.. you can.. so well in fact.. that you break it down using SNAP from (effect) ---> (cause).. then as they continue talking.. test to see if you were right by what your predicted behavior would be.. (cause) ---> (effect).. and then use non-SNAP systems such as body language, facial expressions, microsignals, voice tonality & quality, intuition, and cold-reading to test for incongruence

I finished reading the book. I just want to make it clear, that I don't have a problem reading books like that. When you told me to read it, I thought it was a novel or something of that nature. I don't like reading anything that isn't just facts or outlines what you should do. That's what I mean when I say that I don't enjoy reading. But I love reading those kinds of books. I went back to the bookstore to get some books on poker strategy. I play poker every weekend with the guys, but after reading the book you suggested I think it would be a great way to put everything I learned into use.

What I wanted to know is how exactly does this help me with the girl in my office or with girls in general? I'll know if it's love, anger, or fear that is motivating her reactions. I'll know if her perceived self-worth is greater, lesser, or equal to her actual self-worth and how that affects her actions. Basically i'll know all these things about her, but it's not exactly stuff you can talk about. Like the book says, people have a hard time accepting most of the truths about them and the urge to deny the truth is enough to destroy all the comfort and rapport with someone. I don't want to do that. How exactly is all of this going to help me then?

I like what you've posted so far GrkScorp, and it's helped a lot. If for nothing else, there's this total a-hole in my office and after reading the book and working on my own self worth and personal awareness he just became completely submissive today. He realized that I was aware of his actual worth, and the more he kept trying to intimidate while I wasn't adding fire by striking up any conflict with his ego, the more he realized for himself that his insecurities were showing. The story doesn't matter much, but the rest of my department thanked me for being able to handle the situation so well. I think it was a combination of both the book and just being more aware and comfortable with myself. I just had to get that off my chest.

But after reading a couple of the posts from everyone here, I realized that what I really want for myself, is more success with girls. Someone like me, for my age, with my kind of job, should at least not be single. It's very depressing going home to nobody but yourself, going through the week with nobody to really talk to. I just want that.

[GrkScorp]

I went back to the bookstore to get some books on poker strategy. I play poker every weekend with the guys, but after reading the book you suggested I think it would be a great way to put everything I learned into use.

What I wanted to know is how exactly does this help me with the girl in my office or with girls in general?

Good.. now, there're a lot of reasons why I suggested that book.. and i'm glad you read it.. but none of them included "poker strategy".. that was not at all anywhere close to why I suggested it..

If you want to just be better at poker, then the same author has a better book for that.. Never be Lied to Again .. It's practically cheating in poker.. you might aswell just take their money and save everyone the time..

If you want to put whatever you learned into use.. just for the sake of practice.. go around the forum.. and take a look at some of the posts people make.. and before you scroll down.. to see how everything unfolds.. try and get an idea of the person's character and motives.. and then how they are most likely to act.. You'll get better at it.. just.. like you said.. don't mention these things explicitly.. because the truth isn't always pretty..

How does this help you with the girl in your office? (Did you really read the book?)

If you were looking for talking points.. then no, this isn't stuff you can talk about.. So it's not going to help you that way.. but it can help you know what's really going on.. (incongruence)

- Case: (Father & missing daughter).. Law enforcement arrives at his home in response to a phone-call made by the daughter's mother.. The officers tell the parents that they think their daughter has been kidnapped, and to stay calm.. The officer hands the parents a cup of coffee.. as the father gets it he says, "Thanks, I really needed one after today, it's been such a rough day".. and there's something very wrong with this story.. (Why is a father, who's daughter has just been kidnapped, trying to stay calm and be polite? Incongruence)

- Case: (Not in the book).. My friend Carla (who I notice is also the name of the girl you're interested in).. is a very attractive girl.. She has a mirror, she knows how she looks.. When she walks into a place.. you get two types of "strait" guys reacting.. congruent, (their eyes are glued on her.. following her around).. and guys who (are not really talking or doing something else, but casually looking around, taking a glance at her, then looking around, taking an other glance, then talking to someone or looking at someone else).. these guys are incongruent.. She's hot, and everyone else in there is not even close, what are you seriously looking at that's more aesthetically pleasing to your eyes, i'd like to know.. seriously.. Nothing.. these guys are full of sh*t.. they're putting up an act.. a face.. a front.. but that's all it is.. and to me and Carla, it's see-through..

Like the book mentions.. what's the old salesman saying.. "The easiest people to sell to, are the ones with "no salesmen" signs on their door.. They have to put up such a strong front, because they know that if a salesman were to walk up to them, they would end up buying something".. When people are weak & insecure, they have to put up a front.. and the weaker and more insecure they are.. the stronger and bigger that front has to be.. to intimidate others (the untrained eye) from hitting their insecurities..

Let's say you have a boss who feels that he's a softie.. he may say something like.. "I don't make exceptions for anyone, we have rules here, if you don't like them, you can leave!".. or a classmate who can't really argue too well.. she may say.. "Don't even bother trying to argue with me, you'll fail, you're largely outclassed".. Or in the case of the guys looking at Carla, who don't feel like they are worthy or attractive enough for a woman like her.. they may choose something non-verbal like acting/pretending that they are looking elsewhere or at other people in the room.. But it's important to not be thrown-off by "acts/fronts".. and to be able to train your eyes & ears to pick up on incongruence..

Equally important is how to deal with them.. (if you want to deal with them.. you don't always have to crush fronts.. but in the case of your Carla, you want to be able to crush her front.. the right way).. It's important to be able to pick up on the fact that what she may be doing is an act/front.. (when guys get nervous when they're actually in contact with someone.. they get shy, reserved, quiet, they "don't want to fcuk up or say the wrong thing".. not the case with girls.. some girls will fit into this category.. but more likely the case, and especially true with attractive women, is that they put up a defensive act/front).. So it's not just important to be able to pick up on that.. but also important to be able to crush that act/front.. to be able to tear down that wall.. and expose the real her.. have her insecurities and weakness, her true nature out in the open.. exposed.. vulnerable.. BUT! Not taking advantage of it.. being understanding of it.. being considerate.. letting her know that you've taken down her act/front.. you've exposed the real her.. but aren't taking advantage of or manipulating the real her.. that's not what you intend to do.. that's not why you took down her act/front.. so then the implication becomes.. that you just want to instead be honest between the two of you.. and respect and honor her insecurities and weakness.. making her feel safe and secure that you're not there to poke at them.. if anything.. you're there to protect them and shelter them.. comfort them.. That's powerful attraction and connection in and of itself..

Best,

GrkScorp