Best Love vs First Love

[halang]

Howdy all ?

This is my first post, just want to share my feelings,
but some advices would be great ;-)

Okay, the situation is ...
I've been having a very happy marriage for 15 years,
with a woman I really really love. No kidding.
Then, just about 2 months ago,
I met the woman who used to be my first love
when I was a teenager.
You know where the story is going to be, don't you ?

The fact is, we were in deep love of each other,
but we did not admit it. Why ?
Because we knew that we were not a perfect match.
Let's say, we were a big rival !
So we decided to went on our own path.
Since graduated from the high school,
we have being separated 1000 miles away.

Now, I got her mobile phone number from her mother.
I sent her a SMS, saying hello,
and that was our reunion as two adults.
She is a doctor, while I'm an engineer.
She has a good live and family, so do I.

So we start sending SMSs each other.
Somehow, we are more open now.
I mean, we are enjoying talking serious business as well as joking, our families as well as our inner feelings.

The problem is ... our partners do not like it !

To be honest, my wife is my best love,
and I have no intention to change it.
It just that I can't forget that crazy little thing called first love.
I have buried that shame feeling for half of my live.
Now that I can talk it openly, fortunately to herself,
I fell a big relieve.

I wonder if I'm threatening my family's live.
Is it not possible that adults can maintain a good friendship,
while admitting that there is love between them ?

Thanks for reading

[kapneb92]

Uh wow I really think you're in a dilemma. Well, it's definitely going to affect your relationship with your wife. Also, you've been married for 15 years, and yet you SMS? I thought only teens did that...o_O
Well I think you and your wife should talk it over, and then talk to the woman and set up some boundaries.
I hope this won't affect your family.

[1averagejoe]

I fell a big relieve.

I wonder if I'm threatening my family's live.
Is it not possible that adults can maintain a good friendship,
while admitting that there is love between them ?

Thanks for reading

A big relief? Are you serious? How long ago was this? I would have expected you would have gotten past this by now. If you did get past it then what are you relieving?

You wonder if it's threatening your family's lives...well guess what it already is. Your wife isn't happy about this, stop before it gets worse.

What do you mean maintain a friendship while admitting that there is love between them? A friendship with love? Wouldn't that constitute a relationship. You're a married man...what's going through your head?

[bohemiandonut]

Howdy Halang ?

Um... I think you should respect your spouse' wishes and tell this other married woman to do the same. But what do I know, I'm just a kid. Not even an engineer or a doctor. Yet.

[misombra]

the answer is simple... no contact.

[IndiReloaded]

You are blessed with a good marriage & life.

But you'd like to tinker with that.

You're an engineer, right? Then you know there are some things that, when working, are best left alone lest they explode in your face.

Focus your newfound romantic energies on your WIFE. No contact for this other gal, she's causing you to go down mental paths best not travelled.

[Mish]

Is it not possible that adults can maintain a good friendship,
while admitting that there is love between them ?

I think that you will quickly discover that it's simply not possible to stay friends and have deep feelings (you called it love) for this person at the same time. You could try, but you will quickly find out how incredibly difficult it can be. I think your respective partners are sensing that, thus their wise objections. If I were you I would listen to them.

[halang]

Wow, in 60 minutes, I got 6 new friends
Thank's everybody.

Alright, to sum it up. STOP
Well, it is really hard for me, but I think this is the best advice ...
"Focus your newfound romantic energies on your WIFE".

Then, to honor you all, I'll just answer the questions.

> Also, you've been married for 15 years, and yet you SMS?
> I thought only teens did that...o_O
Yeah LOL. I said it was a great reunion.
We were having affairs when we were teens, after all

> If you did get past it then what are you relieving?
That we were in love, but did not admit it.
We were acting like we don't care each other.
Now, after both of us are over 40s,
we both know that we were pretending.
We though it was funny, laughable and .... ironic !

> You're an engineer, right? Then you know there are some things that,
> when working, are best left alone lest they explode in your face.

Yeah, but for me, the worst case would be the systems hung around !
(Cause I'm a software engineer )


> But what do I know, I'm just a kid. Not even an engineer or a doctor. Yet.
Oh i believe you will be someday.
It is more clear and straight forward than love.
Take it from a man who has experienced it ;-)

By the way ...
Have anybody experienced this before ?

[IndiReloaded]

I think that you will quickly discover that it's simply not possible to stay friends and have deep feelings (you called it love) for this person at the same time. You could try, but you will quickly find out how incredibly difficult it can be.

Exactly, thanks Mish.

If you pursue this I'm going to have to conclude you are a closet masochist. In which case, have a read of this to find out just how sad & pathetic this kind of thing can get:

[url]http://collectiveexperience.org/love/Requited_Love_Denied.html[/url]

Just don't go there. You aren't *just* friends. You are "might have beens". It happens & more often that you'd like to think. But its always an incredible amount of pain & wasted energy best spent on your respective spouses. The longer you wait, the harder the walk away will be so walk now while you can. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

By the way ...
Have anybody experienced this before ?

Yes.

PM me if you need to discuss further, but only if you want to know how to restore your relationship with your wife. I chose to keep my self-respect & not have an affair.

On that point, remember that feelings happen. Its what we do with them that makes us who we are. You are only responsible for acts of will.

[kapneb92]

Why do I get the feeling you aren't guilty at all? I really think that you're hurting your wife; making her feel inferior.
Perhaps it's simply an overly emotional reunion, however it is causing unwanted issues within your family.
You ought to really think before you go any further with this girl.

[1averagejoe]

Why do I get the feeling you aren't guilty at all? I really think that you're hurting your wife; making her feel inferior.
Perhaps it's simply an overly emotional reunion, however it is causing unwanted issues within your family.
You ought to really think before you go any further with this girl and cut contact now.

**fixed.**

[halang]

Well, you all seem to look at this as a very serious affair,
and suggest a HARD cut. That make me sad

FYI, my wife is a Ph.D (another smart woman, can't resist them LOL)
She is not inferior at all, and I do respect her so much.
I told her that she is my best love and the one and only wife.

On the other hand, I admit that I had my first love before I met my wife.
Blame God if you say I'm guilty for falling in love before I met my wife.
Although my heart was crazy on her so bad,
my brain decided not to tell her, hide this fact for years.
Now, I openly tell her that she was my first love.
What is wrong with that ?
In my old diary books, for years I wrote many poems about her.
Should I deny that ?
I have kept the diaries locked in my old cupboard.
Now I'm reading them back, remembering all those old good times.

So, I don't fell so guilty because I think I have been honest to everyone.
My family is running so well, not in any bit I decrease my love to my wife.
I just want to have a good communication again, with my old best rival,
who is coincidently, also my first love.

I think people react too much.
Or maybe I'm too honest.

[misombra]

too many people are slaves to their feelings. love is a verb. love is what you do. love is staying with your wife and following through with your commitment to her despite this other woman coming up.

who have you been loving? her or your wife? who's been really loving you? who's been there for you through all the good and hard things you've gone through? who cooks for you and makes a nice comfortable home for you? those things are love. having feelings for somebody is quite different, and it's not love.

feelings are fleeting. your wife has shown you that she loves you. she's actually demonstrated it in her actions. that is love.

[IndiReloaded]

So, I don't fell so guilty because I think I have been honest to everyone.
My family is running so well, not in any bit I decrease my love to my wife.

Not yet, your love hasn't changed, but it can if you keep it up.

You are naive to think that honesty for its own sake is a virtue. Not all things should be spoken simply because they can be. Only children do that. The rest of us try to predict the consequences of certain 'truths' before proceeding.

I just want to have a good communication again, with my old best rival, who is coincidently, also my first love.

What's wrong w/good communication with your wife?

Here's how it starts: chats w/friend & small disclosures about intimate subjects, leading to bigger ones. Then the flirts. Then the time spent together reviving those 'first love' feelings. Next thing you know--BOOM--affair, either emotional or physical.

FYI, it IS possible to be just good friends in this kind of situation. It requires very good boundaries. But it requires maturity & I'm not reading the kind of things from you that would make this possible. You don't want to read this, but your likely outcome (unless one of you puts the brakes on) is an affair. If you really care about your wife & marriage, read & learn:

[url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html[/url]