Please help me get her back!

[Down not Out]

Firstly I can't beleive I'm actually doing this on a forum but I'm prepared to check every angle to achieve the result. Briefly my wife and I have been married for seventeen years and I have just discovered she has been having a relationship with a work collegue that is about 3 months old. Going to confront him, before I had a chance, he told his family he had met someone and was leaving them for her. His marriage had not been happy for a while and my wife had only started working around this guy since January. Our own relationship had been great, both committed with a now 15 yr old son, I supported my wife's career change but didn't like the reputation of the said career but was constantly reassured inwardly that my wife was not one to stray. My wife and this man are now staying at a mutual friends. I have asked her to come home but did not beg, but she said she needed time because she was so confused, time she spent with him. I spoke with me wife this evening and she indicated that she may find in a few months she may have made a mistake, the biggest one of her life. She also agreed with my suggestion that had the other guy not left his wife for mine, there would have been less of a chance that she would have walked out on me. I have been talking calmly to her, repeating my unfading love for her and the fact that with counciling, some time and support for each other we could make this incident a blip in a long and happy life. I beleive she is feeling guilty of giving up on this other guy and what other people may think if she comes home after such a short time. The non support from her blood family has also set her mind in an I'll show em frame. I am determined to get her back cause I love her, but the stress and constant mind wracking is taking its toll and I'm not sure how long I can keep it going before being resigned. If that happens I think it will be irreversable. Any hints, tips, big stupid shows of affection will all be gratefully recieved to achieve my goal of saving my marriage- as my son said this family is not broken it is merely compromised!

[Gigabitch]

You have a good son. I suggest that you hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Whatever your wife's reasons were, she made a big, dramatic move, and that's hard to get past. If you think it might help, you might consider making a big, dramatic move of your own. Give her a bit of time to see that this guy isn't the prefect man for her (shouldn't take too long; everyone's human, right?) and make a play to win her back. Get your son involved.

What's this new line of work, anyway? That was intriguing...

[Down not Out]

Its the police force, on this side of the pond its got a reputation for being a home wrecking occupation

[Gigabitch]

Well, it's known here for breeding major dysfunction.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you get her back. I hope she's not too embarrassed to come back. I could see trying to make something work just because you were already stuck in it, you know?

[Down not Out]

It'll be a week tomorrow my wife has been gone and the pain is almost unbearable. Some people think she may be suffering a mid life crisis cause she just turned 40 and took it badly. She even admitted that that may have something to do with it, do you think she is playing me or does she genuinely need more time to realise the grass isn't greener?

[twisted]

I am so sorry for what is happening to you and first of all I want to say that you should by no means, feel ashamed of writing on a forum. In my opinion sometimes (not always) you just need sincere advice from strangers who don't know anything about you or your story.

If I were in your position, I would tell your wife in a very neutral, almost cold way, that even if she may feel that this new man and this VERY PREMATURE relationship may seem important to her now, if not to save your relationship, she should think of her son and put HIM before anything. Sometimes it is the children that keep marriages together, try to play on that. I would not beg her to come home, nor would I keep telling her how much I love her. I am a woman, and I can tell you that it would annoy me to hear that. It would just sound like white noise to me in my confused state. We are all different of course. Let me tell you though, some women are just plain spoiled and need to be "scared" sometimes. Show her what it is she'll loose if she picks the other, but do it with tact. Don't make her feel indispensable. Most of all PLEASE DON'T NEGLECT YOUR SON. I have seen too many kids grow up traumatized from these stupid situations with parents who **** around playing high school love game, forgetting that THEIR KIDS NEED THEM more than ever, especially when they're teens.

Be strong, and keep being a wonderful person, whatever happens. The best of luck to you.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, Jeeze. I'll be 40 in three weeks- I kinda know how she feels about being in a panic about her life. What I think she really needs is a heart-to-heart talk with a girlfriend, someone needs to tell her it's not too late to fix this.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of support for women who want to dump their families and run off with a new man. You wouldn't believe how many "You go, girl!"s I got when I got divorced a few years ago- it was like the whole world thought that made me some kind of paragon of woman-power.

She's got a lot of emotional momentum at this point, I would imagine. She's not going to skid out for a few weeks, even months, but believe me, she will eventually.

I have a lot of sympathy for her and I feel bad that she might be making a great big ass of herself. I wish she would get on here as well and try to explain what possessed her.

[IndiReloaded]

Any hints, tips, big stupid shows of affection will all be gratefully recieved to achieve my goal of saving my marriage- as my son said this family is not broken it is merely compromised!

Yes, you need to learn about affairs, and yesterday. Will Harley (marriagebuilders.com) has a great site.

You also need to get into counselling. For yourself & your son if your wife won't go. Even if she comes back, don't think for a second that solves everything. As a police officer (?) you have access to counselling.

Tough times. Good luck.

[Down not Out]

So here are the latest developments, saw the wife again today, she was supposed to come over to see our son, but being a naturally quiet lad that didn't last anytime at all!. We went through the usual charade where I become, lets say a little agitated at her seeming inability to see what she has done to me, us our family. We then calmed down (par for the course) and decide to write an adhock separation agreement (but was not allowed to title it as such!) We get through such difficult issues as finances, who has what out of the house ect with very little pain or grief. She then mentions something about pensions which we cannot agree on and it all blows up again. I basically confess to her that for me to get over her I need her to hate me to make it easier for me, then I can hate her (hate is a bit too strong a word, but I think you know what I mean!) With this she breaks down, saying that whatever I did as retribution she could never hate me but will always love me, that she misses me so much and misses making love to me! With this we fall into a passionate kiss on the bed, with only the fact that mother nature was in attendance preventing us making love there and then! As I kiss her she starts crying saying she is such a terrible person. We talk a little more,and she leaves, back to her affair! Her reluctance to finalise anything leaves me to beleive that doubts are setting into her mind-additionally the police force she belongs to have taken it upon theirselves to transfer her, and the adulterer she is with to another prescinct , together and on the same shift pattern. I was surprised to hear that that is bad news for her and that she is trying to appeal the decision saying that she would not get to see us as it is further away and that she did not want to spend all day at work with him and have to live with him also! To say I am confused is an understatement, but I guess her confussion must be twice mine, right? She is coming around again Monday but am a little apprehensive about what may possibly happen after todays events. When it comes to my wife I'm a fairly weak man, I can't resist her outer beauty and the way she makes me feel when I am with her, despite all that has gone before she still sets my skin tingling and heart racing. Am I loosing my dignity to by getting karnal or is this part of the process of slowly getting her back because she still wants me sexually? As you can probably guess i am on something of a high at the moment but she now has two days to spend with the other person in this mess, so if anybody like to give me a reality check please do!

[DarkDwarf]

Wow, christ. Well, you can't do that. You just simply cannot do that at all. This is torturing you, so you two have to work it out, otherwise it will simply get worse.

You need to either seperate, or she needs to end her affair.

[Down not Out]

I totally agree, but what sort of time scale do you put on seventeen years of marriage combined with with a possible midlife crisis?

[Lipp]

I'm too inexperienced to give advice when it comes to long-term relationships and marriage, so not giving any.
But I really hope everything works out, and keep an eye out for your son, stuff like this can be awful for youngsters.

[CAM]

You are a very understanding man. Perhaps the point the last person made here is a good one...namely, that her indecisiveness is having a toll on your boy. She is taking this far, too far. And, she is making you look quite weak in front of your son. You need to make a decision and formally separate, but fight to keep custody of your son.

[Mish]

As you can probably guess i am on something of a high at the moment but she now has two days to spend with the other person in this mess, so if anybody like to give me a reality check please do!

Reality check, here it is:

What happened is irreversible. You will most likely not get your wife back after this affair. Even if by some stroke of fate or shear luck she does come back to you, you won't be able to trust her the trust is permanently broken between you two. I advise reading the above a couple of times until the reality of it sinks and start planning for a better future.

The first step is to settle the financials between the two of you and get the seperation agreement finalised (you will have to persist if she's not complying). Then get yourself and your son into counseling, remove yourself from her physically as much as posible this will be the best way to get over the intense withdrawal feelings which you will feel for the next couple of months. Let her know that you are both serious and determined to put this matter to an end and move on with your life, she has no power over you (one of the reasons she's still seeing this other man is because she thinks she can control you), she's made her decision to tear the family apart and now all of you will have to leave with it.

I feel for you in this dark and hurtful time my friend. I hope you and your son will get through this with the least amount of pain and find a better future for yourselves.

[IndiReloaded]

Reality check, here it is:

What happened is irreversible. You will most likely not get your wife back after this affair. Even if by some stroke of fate or shear luck she does come back to you, you won't be able to trust her the trust is permanently broken between you two. I advise reading the above a couple of times until the reality of it sinks and start planning for a better future.

Mish, you may be right, but you are putting a value judgement on this situation that only the OP understands.

Perhaps YOU couldn't forgive her affair (I couldn't either) but he may be able to given the right conditions. Marriages do survive affairs.

If there wasn't a child involved I would suggest immediate break. But there is a child & therefore I recommend counselling. A good counsellor will be important to help maintain good relations & communication even if they split.

To the OP: I know its easy to be distracted by things like sex, but you need to be thinking bigger picture right now. Counselling is really in order & don't entangle yourself further with her until some ground rules are set. Which should, at minimum, require her to break all contact with this other guy if she wants to work at a reconcilation. Don't settle for less.

Also, you have a child to think of. Consider that, if you sleep w/her, you are also sleeping with whatever this other guy has potentially given her. Are you ready for that? Don't delude yourself, it happens a lot.

Check out that site & get counselling. Get your emotions under control, best thing you can do right now for everyone. Good luck.