Please Help!

[somethingcorp]

I really need some advice so I would really appreciate any comments. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We have been doing a LDR, and I see him about every two weeks. He asked me to officially be his gf in June of last year which means we have "officially" been together for 11 months. I felt that things were good and I believed we were exclusive. He asked me if I had ever cheated and I said no and so did he when I asked him. He said he would never do that to someone. I found out today that he slept with his ex gf less than a year ago, although I do not know the exact month I believe it was while we were dating. I had no idea that they had even talked recently because he said that they hadn't. They had been broken up for almost two years at the beginning of mine and his relationship. He said she treated him horrible and didn't want anything to do with her really.

Well in June, when we were officially together, she would send him messages and it really began to annoy me. I would ask him about it calmly and let him know it bothered me that they were talking. He and I both knew that she was jealous that he had found someone else and was trying to get him back. He said he wouldn't tell her to stop talking to him which really upset me because it made me feel as though my feelings didn't matter to him. He wouldn't say anything to her that would stop her from talking to him. She finally backed off a little bit and nothing was heard of her for a few months though.

He told me one day that he was going to hangout with her and a few friends at a bar one night. And the fact that he told me made me feel okay about the situation. Come to find out, I visit him a few weeks later and try to log into my myspace account on his computer. I don't know if you guys know but when someone has been logged in the last name on will show up like.. "Hey, so and so". Well it was her name. I asked him why she was on his computer and he told me that they had all come over to his house and it was nothing. I had a hard time with this and he tried to apologize and do what he could to make me happy. I finally forgave him. I found out that he had gone to dinner with her and her sister and one of his friends one night. She had come over because he was unsure of what he wanted (me or her). He said that nothing happened whatsoever and that he had made up his mind. He wanted me. That was about all that was heard of her for several months.

In January she began sending more messages and then stopped again because he said he didn't want to ruin things between me and him. Well in the last couple of days (im going to be honest here) I looked at his email without him knowing..and she has been saying that she misses the old times and tries to get him to remember things from the past. He responded saying that he didn't want to mess up what he has with me, but if he wasn't seeing someone he still couldn't do the LDR thing with her. This has me assuming that he would still consider getting back with her if she moved back to his town. She responded to his message saying that she was planning on moving back into town (his town), and thought it would be the perfect time for her to makeup for everything. This is also how I found out that he slept with her less than a year ago. This is incredibly hard for me because we will still be in a LDR when she decides to move back and also because I have a feeling he has slept with her before while we were dating. The reason I will not be around then is because I am in school and will be taking some summer classes.

I cannot say anything to him about this for the fact that I was looking through his emails without him knowing. Things with me and him are going pretty good except for the fact that I can't find it in me to trust him with her now. I have no problem with any other girl at all. I just want her to leave him alone, but she is so persistent. What can I do? I can't tell him that I read his emails. What should I do? Do you think he still wants to be with her? I would trust him completely if he would tell her to stop talking to him, she is giving me too many problems and I am tired of worrying over her. Please help me!

[GrkScorp]

I cannot say anything to him about this for the fact that I was looking through his emails without him knowing. Things with me and him are going pretty good except for the fact that I can't find it in me to trust him with her now. I have no problem with any other girl at all. I just want her to leave him alone, but she is so persistent. What can I do? I can't tell him that I read his emails. What should I do? Do you think he still wants to be with her? I would trust him completely if he would tell her to stop talking to him, she is giving me too many problems and I am tired of worrying over her. Please help me!

First of all.., the only real issue I see here.., is lack of respect.., by him.., and by you.., for yourself.. (think about that.., and as you do now.., really understand what that means..)

The first thing you have to ask yourself is.., who are you? as a person.., what kind of person are you? yes.., we all think we're good people.., but why do you think you're a good person? why do you feel you're useful to others? and as you get a better idea of all those things now.., try and take it a step further and ask yourself.., do you feel that you deserve to be loved? given that you're this type of person.., don't you deserve some level of respect? Not just from you.., but from others.. and not some egotistic or authoritarian type of dominance.., that's not the respect i'm talking about.., just a simple and reasonable understanding and consideration for your feelings and emotional well-being.. from others.., from him..

The reason this is important.., is because I see you're stuck on the mentality of thinking that you're at some loss.., that you're losing him.., and that he's someone who's worth holding onto..

The truth is.., that if he's the type of person to have any kind of affair with an other woman.., (the fact of if you can tell him or not.., is not important).., if he is that type of person.., then he's also the type of person that doesn't really care about you the way he should.., the way you deserve to be cared about.., on a very very basic level.. and it just doesn't make any sense.., although you may feel the opposite for the moment.., logically.., you know that it just doesn't make any sense to feel that you are at some loss.., and therefore.., no need to get the urge to want to hold onto him.., or push this other woman away from him..

I will tell you why that is.., because as a guy.., as a man.., when i'm in a relationship with someone I care about.., and i'm satisfied.., the whole world around me goes missing.., there is nobody else.., just me and the other person.., that's it.., that's all that matters.., and if someone else tries to change that reality and world for me.., I push them away.., "I" am the one who actively rejects them.., not the person i'm with.., if the other person tries to do it for me.., I might even feel a little insulted.., because for me.., it just means that they don't think I love them enough to do it myself.. on my own..

You don't really need to defend you guy from other women.., the funny thing is.., that if you need to defend him from other women.., he's not worth defending.., because he's not worth and doesn't appreciate the effort and energy you're putting in for him.., and that's just not fair to you.., If he loves you.., and cares about you.., he will defend himself against other women who try to come into his life and seperate him from the person who he is fully and completely satisfied with..

And on that note.., I don't think there's a need to do what I normally do.., (tell people what to say to some other person).., I think you have a good idea of how things work.., and a good idea of what to tell your boyfriend.., without really raising the issue to him directly or tell him that you know anything about the e-mail.., Just letting him know about what we talked about in this post.., will be enough to show both him and you.., if he really cares about you.., and if he's really worth worrying about..

Once again.., before you go up and talk to him now.., just remember.., although you may feel the urge to do certain things sometimes.., like fend off other women from your man.., it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.., to act on these urges.., because as you've seen.., these urges are irrational.., if he really loves you.., he really will take care of it.., and do it himself.., other women may seem like a threat to you.., but if what you have together is strong and worth holding onto.., there's really no woman in the world that can shake up things between the two of you.., trust me on that one.. they can all try.., but they'll all fail..

Best,

GrkScorp