Hurt and Sad

[ripley813]

I am going to try to be as brief as possible with my saga because I don’t want anyone to fall asleep.

I was married for 5 years. No kids. My mother got sick and I lived with her until she passed away which put strain on my relationship. I could not handle the fighting with my husband and caring for my mother at the same time so I filed for divorce (STUPID).

Shortly thereafter, I started dating someone. It got serious and he proposed a year and a half later. I was happy but not as happy as when I got engaged to my previous husband. My current fiancé had started law school the year before we got engaged. I have been there from the beginning.

Anyway, my fiancé is very negative about everything. He is very critical and impatient with others as well. He gets this from his mother. She is the same way and they butt heads because they are just alike. I am a very upbeat person and always try to find the positive in things and I enjoy my friends and family.

My fiancé started draining me with the constant negativity. I tried to point it out to him several times but he blew up at me. Finally, after 3 short months of being engaged, I moved out because I couldn’t take it.

He was very apologetic and swore that he would change. I told him to give me a few months and we would see. We continued to see each other but we were no longer engaged. His attitude improved dramatically and I moved back in 3 months later. A few months later, he gave the ring back.

Fast forward about 6 months and Christmas is coming up. Because both of my parents are dead, I look forward to the holidays with his family because I love family interaction and being with the ones you care about. He decides we weren’t going to go this year because he just wants to relax during his school break and he doesn’t feel like driving 16 hours each way. Fair enough. He has been under a lot of stress with school and I could understand where he was coming from.

Fast forward another 5 months and it is his last semester in law school. Graduation is coming up. I am so proud and excited for him. I ask of work in advance so I can attend the big event. His parents are scheduled to come down for a couple of days and stay at a hotel nearby.

I spend my after work hours cleaning and getting ready for his parents. I even wash and vacuum his car because he is picking them up at the airport and there was dog hair all over the inside of the vehicle.

Here’s the shocker…the day before his family arrives, he tells me that his parents don’t know we are engaged. In fact, they don’t even know we are as serious as we are! He told his mom that he takes care of my cat when I am out of town for work. She doesn’t know I live with him. I asked why and he said he never told them that we got engaged again after the initial break-up. He said he was so hurt that he opened up to his mom and she said things about me like I wasn’t ambitious enough for him (I have a Masters and she has a GED). He said he also wanted to see if we had any more problems before he told them (we have been re-engaged for over a year).

Anyway, I wasn’t allowed to visit or go to dinner with them. I didn’t even get to see them while they were here because after the whole 3 years I was with him in law school, I wasn’t allowed to go to his graduation! Oh, and after graduation, they stopped in to see the dog and he asked me to go in the back room so they wouldn’t see me.

I have never felt so disrespected and unwanted. He thinks I am being unreasonable. He thinks it is no big deal. I wanted to share my story. I am hurt. I am sad.

[bluesummer]

You SHOULD feel disrespected and hurt! It's like he was choosing his parent's feelings over yours.....and if that's the case, you guys are in for a lot of problems down the road.

An engagement is suppsed to be a happy occasion....and if he was really happy about it (even if it WAS the second time around), he would've wanted to share it with the people he cared about, and want them to welcome you into their family. Instead, he is acting like he's done something shameful, and that has got to feel awful for you.

He does not sound like a very considerate person at all, and sounds like he's putting himself and other's feelings before you. You need to figure out if this man can learn to respect you and make you a priority in his life. If he can't do that, just end it once and for all. It doesn't sound like you've ever really been truly happy in this relationship anyway, from the way you've worded things.

[littlewing]

Wow, i'm completely blown away. How can a person take so much humiliation. I am younger than you and obviously I never had such an issue.

It is clear that you have been very hurt and this is all you think about, I mean how couldn't you. But you know better than any of us here in the forum what is really good for you. Just take a moment and think about your future and what do you have to do to make it better, if your better future would be without this guy you'll know.

... it doesn't sound like you can put much brains and dignity inside this guy but things can get better whether thats him or not, just focus on that

[misombra]

so did he decide to wait until his parents were around to tell you all of this?

how did you find out?

[ripley813]

He waited to tell me a couple of days before they flew into town. I felt like a fool because I had spent all of my free time getting ready for their visit and shopping for a nice outfit to wear to his graduation.
I finally confronted him yesterday about how I felt. He said he feels bad and is very upset that he hurt me. He admits he handled it wrong. He says that he was afraid that his Mom would say snide things to me. Whatever.
I am planning an exit route. I should have never gotten a divorce from my first husband. He was always proud of me no matter what. He would never have hidden me away.

[Robert Angier]

You should never feel sorry about the way you feel. They are your feelings and no one can take that away from you, do not let anyone try and belittle or demean you for the way you feel.

[Lipp]

Geez, are his parents paying his tuition fees or something? ...

Parents or not, if you two are in a serious relationship he should have to guts to show it. Sure, you can technically ignore it, but if the two of you are engaged, what about marriage?

-"Hey...Mom...Dad...Remember that woman who I said was taking care of my cat while I was at work? We're getting married next month."

Yeah, that doesn't sound awkward at all.......

[IndiReloaded]

You should never feel sorry about the way you feel. They are your feelings and no one can take that away from you, do not let anyone try and belittle or demean you for the way you feel.

+1

He's really blowing this situation by belittling your feelings. ALL feelings (even irrational ones, which yours are NOT) can be acknowledged by a caring partner b/c they always say something about how you view a situation. They are YOUR feelings, he doesn't need to feel defensive about them, just recognize them as valid. Once he does, talking about those feelings may help to change your perspective (or his), but they first need to be acknowledged before any processing can occur. In moments of tension, ALWAYS go to the feelings first, even if they seem irrational in the moment.

He sounds less than empathetic. Its a skill set he needs to develop. You need to let him know why his attitude is hurtful to you & your relationship. Try not to yell all this at him when you do. Good luck.

[squirrley]

Wow. After all of that and he betrays you in that manner? No way. I've been there, belittled by my boyfriend, not good enough bla bla bla. Finally I realized I deserved more than that and now have a husband who respects me no matter what! That's what you need in a partner. That was really crappy of him to withhold that from you and his parents. When you get engaged that's suppose to be the happiest time of your life and he apparently doesn't feel that way if held it from his parents. I don't care how much he told his parents after the first break up, if you make up than there should be support from his parents. Geezuz, I'd be livid.

You may have regrets from your previous divorce, but you can certainly take charge of what's happening now. I wouldn't stand for that! Stand up for yourself and have your own self respect and pride. Is it worth going through this? Is HE worth this? To be shunned out of the graduation was a blow and to shove you in the closet while his parents are there, oh hell no! He's not showing you any respect. Don't stand for it.

[Gigabitch]

Run, run for the hills. Aren't you lucky he showed you so clearly what a coldhearted bastard he is before you married him and had kids?

[Cain]

Wow. All I can say is wow. That guy is the prime example of what an asshole really is.

[twisted]

Leave him. You are better than that. I would have him find me in bed with someone just to get super even. What an asshole!

[Cain]

Leave him. You are better than that. I would have him find me in bed with someone just to get super even. What an asshole!

wtf is with you and cheating as revenge? What is so hard about just leaving the person and that's it?

[tooxshort]

wtf is with you and cheating as revenge? What is so hard about just leaving the person and that's it?

hilarious ...

[twisted]

LOL, Poor Cain, so unimaginative and boring.