please help

[omens]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 months, I really love her. She started a new job which takes her to the middle of nowhere and it's been 9 days since I last saw her, she is coming to visit me tomorrow evening and she called me in tears saying how she doesn't know that she can make this work. She said that not only does she want to travel this summer to canada and other places (we live in Maine) but also that she thinks that if she broke up with me now it'd hurt less than later. But the job is only 3 months, she is also considering dropping out of college to explore and see if college is right for her or just to help pay off her debt by working more. She's a high-honors student. (we're both 19) She hasn't made a decision yet. Also she said maybe it's because she needs to be independent or I do. This is my first post but I have nobody to talk to about this and it's tearing me up worse than I've ever felt before. She is probably spending the night tomorrow and making her decision when she leaves. I didn't know how much I could love someone until I met her, I probably won't be sleeping tonight, most likely just refreshing this page. Please give me some advice on how to keep her, I've never felt this terrible.

[tooxshort]

In reality, 5 months is not a long time (only in high school). But you want advice on how to keep her? She seems to have a mature idea of how the future is going to be. At 19, there will be a whole lot of changes that will happen in both of your lives. She wants to travel and explore her options, right?

Well, did she include you in those travel plans or are you willing to live with her in the middle of nowhere? Does she want that after just 5 months? Because if you're not willing to put yourself out on a limb, then I don't see why she should have to give up plans that will make her happy.

Try seeing things from a 3rd person perspective ...

[omens]

I know that 5 months isn't a long time, but I also know that what we have is real.. I mean, everytime I see her I'm in shock that I can love anyone so much. I'm willing to go through hell or high water for her and she didn't include me in those plans. I think she would have felt presumptuous. But she's isn't living there, she's working there, travelling from place to place repairing trails. Would it be too un-independent to ask her to live with me or offer to help her pay off her loans? I'm gonna be calling her at some point tonight. thank you very much for responding, I really have nobody that can help me..

[IndiReloaded]

Shorty's right, Omen. You love her but don't get too invested at this point. For some, 5 months isn't a lot of time & she may not be as deep in as you are.

You should NOT be offering to pay her loans. They are her responsibility & it sounds like you are trying to buy her love. Or somehow make her more dependent on you. I'm sure its not your conscious intent but just don't.

Enjoy what you have right now, for however long it lasts & try to stop worrying about what may be.

If you want to help her, try to convince her to NOT drop out of college.

[omens]

Shorty's right, Omen. You love her but don't get too invested at this point. For some, 5 months isn't a lot of time & she may not be as deep in as you are.

You should NOT be offering to pay her loans. They are her responsibility & it sounds like you are trying to buy her love. Or somehow make her more dependent on you. I'm sure its not your conscious intent but just don't.

Enjoy what you have right now, for however long it lasts & try to stop worrying about what may be.

If you want to help her, try to convince her to NOT drop out of college.

Well, I don't know what to say, other than I don't want to lose her. Why settle to enjoy it for now when I could fight to make it last as long as possible...

[Tone]

I've been in your shoes before, young and head over heels in love.. thinking there is NO ONE else you can love like that.. that if you aren't together life will end.

But take it from me, it doesn't. You will live on, you will fall in love again. You will look back and smile at how silly your thoughts were. And you will grow and learn from this.

But since I know what it was like being just like you, I know these words mean absolutely nothing when your heart burns so ferociously for one person. No one could tell me any different.. looking back I wish I would have at least entertained their warnings/advice. Would have saved me a lot of pain and wasted time. Hopefully you can learn from me?

[omens]

I've been in your shoes before, young and head over heels in love.. thinking there is NO ONE else you can love like that.. that if you aren't together life will end.

But take it from me, it doesn't. You will live on, you will fall in love again. You will look back and smile at how silly your thoughts were. And you will grow and learn from this.

But since I know what it was like being just like you, I know these words mean absolutely nothing when your heart burns so ferociously for one person. No one could tell me any different.. looking back I wish I would have at least entertained their warnings/advice. Would have saved me a lot of pain and wasted time. Hopefully you can learn from me?

Alright well I will consider these things, thanks man...

[omens]

It's been 2 days, she said that she decided to stay together with me.. But she also later said when I asked her if she regretted that decision when she got home she said "I don't know, we'll see." and when I asked her what she saw the future of our relationship being she said "I don't know, nows not a good time for that, I'll call you tomorrow" never called. I have horrible panic attacks, and now whenever I think of her I get one because I'm scared to death that she'll call me and want to break up with me.... What can I do? I can deal with missing her, but the fear of her giving up the long distance thing scares me. She did question it after only 9 days apart... Like in the back of my mind I'm insecure that she'll meet someone else and follow the "out of site, out of mind" saying, but I know she loves me... Can someone help me? I just don't know what to do...

[lastwish]

I think you should let her explore her options. I know its hard to let her go but she needs to complete herself first before she can accept another person in her life. You do want whats best for her right?

[IndiReloaded]

Boy this gal has you by the balls. Tell me, when you speak, is your voice pitched 3 octaves higher than middle C?

Have you considered the following mental attitude switch: that you are a nice guy & she is fortunate to have found such a great BF as you? That if you break up that its her loss?

Your insecurity is going to be the death of this relationship. Stop worrying about the future when you haven't even got the present sorted out. Whatever she does, you can't control so don't even bother trying, just be funny, relaxed & a caring guy & things will work out as they should.

[tooxshort]

Well, you obviously are unsure of just how much she loves you. You guys haven't been broken up yet and you're already getting panic attacks.

Realistically, you have to feel like you're the greatest f*cking guy out there. The more you wallow in self-pity, the worse off you're going to be. Human beings can naturally pick up on desperation and it is not considered a turn on nor romantic.

You're afraid of her finding someone else? Shouldn't she be worried about the same shit? Or are you guys not on the same page? Because if, after only 5 months, you're feeling this insecure and desperate, the relationship is not healthy. You said she had decided to stay with you, so why do you keep asking her questions and giving her opportunities to doubt her judgment? You guys are supposed to be on this ride together, but y'all are driving different cars ...

You're acting as though this girl is your forever ... You're only 19 years old, man! You haven't even tasted life yet. Relax and realize there's a reason for all of this ... She's looking at the big picture ... There's so much more life ahead of you guys and it's better to take it all in before you get older with all the responsibilities that go along with age ...

[Cain]

Do NOT try to convince her to stay with you. That's like begging for her to love you. She has to want to stay with you because she wants to.

Five months is not a long time. She obviously isn't ready for a serious relationship right now.

[omens]

So you guys are saying I should be emotionally cold? Like I feel as though she needs my support. I mean, even though it's only been 3 months I always thought it was how you felt, not time. My grandparents knew eachother 2 weeks before getting engaged and have been married 60+ years with 7 kids. I mean, she is my first girlfriend, but I still really don't think that matters. Also, as far as the whole having confidence thing that I could be cheating on her I don't have the ability. I don't want to be one of those people who date around for 12+ years and end up being the last person left, I'd rather experience life with someone I care about. (Also, I had panic attacks before I met her, but not since I started dating her) I'm not trying to debate you guys, I'm just saying what my point of view currently is. But at any rate, I'm not panicking anymore and I want to thank you for that.

[IndiReloaded]

Not cold. Balanced. Equanimity is the name of the game. You care about her, but she won't be the death of you nor you her *if* you should split. All the confidence things Shorty mentioned. You are a good catch that she either appreciates or doesn't but her decision won't change what you know about yourself one whit.

Who's telling you to cheat? I don't think anyone has said that...

And relax. We've been saying this.

[bluesummer]

I don't want to be one of those people who date around for 12+ years and end up being the last person left, I'd rather experience life with someone I care about.

Trust me, we all felt that way with our first loves. Nowadays, I THANK GOD I had the ability to date around.....it opened up my eyes, and taught me a lot about real love.

Let me explain things to you from a 19 year old female's perspective, since Ive been one in the past. She is young and has many opportunities and choices laid out before her. She has educational, travel, employment, and relationship possibilities. Which does she choose? It's hard to know at this stage in life, but a five month relationship is not usually a priority above the other three. She may love you very much, which is why she keeps on coming back to you, but she is letting go slowly in her mind to pursue the things she thinks are of greater importance. You freaking out and acting like she is the center of your world is going to get annoying to her. She will feel bad for hurting you, but at the same time, your raw desperation is going to reek of weakness and insecurity, and become a turn off.

Your best bet, for yourself, is to let her do whatever it is she feels she needs to do with her life - that's real love. Holding her back is selfish. Have some self confidence. Maybe your relationship can survive this, but it definitely won't if you don't man up, and also let her make the choices she needs to. Do you want her to end up missing out on something because of you, and become bitter with you over it?