In need of Redemption

[Smith]

Hello I did a few things to a girl who for a long time I loved and was my soul mate. I am not proud of what I did but I can't change the past but right now I need redemption. Its eating away at me it’s the first thing I think about when I get up and the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep. I need to get this out of my system because I can’t live like this anymore and the more I try to suppress this feeling the stronger it becomes. How can I redeem myself or at least suppress it so it does'nt bother me.

[vashti]

Apologize. Genuinely. Don't be defensive.
...and change your behavior.

[zerokool189]

does she know?

[Smith]

I don't think you really understand some of the atrocious things I did to her. I walked out of her life because I thought money will make me more happier then her, I ignored her for 6 years later I found out that she was pregnant with my child but had an abortion as she felt she could raise the child on her own. I spoke to my local priest he said that I must forgive myself before I seek forgiveness form her. Although I have had contact with her but I am too scared to ask her for forgiveness. Because deep down inside my heart I don't believe I deserve it.

I asked advice about my situation on this forum befor and some of it did help me. But the fact that my greed was the reason why an innocent unborn child died is tearing me apart. What can I do to make this stop as this is affecting my day to day activities?

If you want to read in more detail what I did read the thread called "I want my soul mate back"

[vashti]

Some mistakes can't be fixed, unfortunately.

I think you can forget about ever getting this girl back. EVER. Assuming that was your end-goal, to expect her to forgive and forget would be extremely selfish.

I'm not sure what your priest meant by forgiving yourself before asking her forgiveness. She will probably never be okay with what happened, and neither will you, but in my opinion, you are still absolutely obligated to tell her how profoundly you regret the choices you made. Don't expect her to be at peace with it, and don't expect that she will want to reconcile with you, but tell her anyway. You owe it to her that she knows you are ashamed and remorseful. Then leave her alone. For good.

That said, most of us did awful, hideous things that we bitterly regret when we grow up. I know *I* did. You will need to accept that you made mistakes, and you need to learn from them and not repeat them. That is what life and growth experiences are all about. It's part of being human.

[boobaa]

Even though I haven't been in exactly your situation, I think I feel pretty well what you are going through. I am sort of emotional type and so even little things bug me a lot.

I think the best solution for you is to talk to her. And, she might get mad again, but that can give you your redemption. I know, redemption is necessary or you might turn into a masochist. If she rejects you forever, well, then its almost finished line, time to move on. If she forgives, well, then it can be harder but there is also a very little tiny chance that she takes you back (I wouldn't hope on that)...

Inner feelings must be set free. You are in bad situation already, letting it all out can't be much worse.
Oh, and besides, did you know that she was pregnant or did you find that out later?

I know, things get really confused some times, when life is not perfect. Then you have to decide what is right and what is wrong, what really matters. It gets really confusing in that point. I know, I have made some wrong decisions also, and there has been great deal of regret. But yours is much stronger, I presume.

[lesa]

Don't try to suppress it. Allow it to run through your mind. This mistake is allowing you to develop into a better, caring person. In time, you will be able to forgive yourself and you will be a new person during this process.

[1averagejoe]

A smart man isn't someone who doesn't make mistakes.

A smart man is someone who makes mistakes, learns from it, and doesn't make the same mistake again.

An idiot is someone who keeps making the same mistake.

Understand that you made a mistake, we all do, some worse than others. But, there's unfortunately nothing you can do about it, it's done, you can't change it. I'm sure it's hard accepting that fact, but you need to learn how to, and that will come with time. Apologize to her, then leave her alone.

Best of luck.

[littlewing]

You have to focus on the positive aspects of the situations and you also have to let her know that you are sorry. You can't change past but you can change yourself...