Reasons for passion's flame not so bright? (pt 2 of 2)

[Bonovox40]

Ok here's the rest.

Red Flags?

1. She loves attention from anyone. Doesn't neccesarily flirt but for instance a guy who rejected being a friend (that she hoped would be a bf) just now shows his face after 6 months of no communication. She told me that he wanted to meet and (some may say foolishly) I said that it was cool. (I have told her more than once that as a stipulation to us dating that if I ever felt that she was being deceitful or cheated on me that i'm walking with no questions asked and no second chances no matter where we were in the relationship. (at that point it's moot of course but she feels that i'm "so much more mature" because i've had a 3 yr and 1 yr relationship)

She met with the guy and said that he was nice and she was excited at the prospect of being friends because he's really outgoing and fun to be around. Naturally I saw this as a possible threat and gave her some crap about why she thinks he deserves to be her friend after blowing her off for 6 months and rejecting her in the first place. We argued and it was basically our first fight but no bad words were spoken or threats made.

I took a day to re-evaluate my feelings and decided that if I told her he's off limits, i'm basically saying "he's forbidden fruit, you can't have it" and that would make him more tempting just in spite. And if I make it a big deal that I don't like her seeing other guys, i'm just a controlling asshole and feel threatened by all of it. So I talked to her the next day and said that I was kind of a dick and it's totally fine if she wants to hang out with him or whoever because she knows my feelings on the matter and i'd just be a hypocrite because she doesn't stop me from hanging out with girls (some of whom she knows likes me but I don't) because she trusts me.
So far, the guy hasn't contacted her even when she had surgery and had to take off school for a week to recover. But if he does, whatever. I'm not putting myself in a position I can't get out of but I will feel bad if get 3 strikes in a row. (last 2 gf's both cheated on me)

2. She doesn't have that great self esteem about herself and has been institutionalized for a suicide attempt about 2 years ago. She had therapy and is happy going on with her life now but says she still has had days when she's needed to cry herself to sleep but doesn' t want to die or anything like that. (she says that since meeting me hasn't had any of those low depression feelings anymore

3. Age. Not that it should matter but the life expereince and maturity does. I'm pretty much over the party scene and college is over but she's just beginning. She is going to a basically 90% all girl nursing school after HS but I know she's a social person and will enjoy meeting new people and doing things that she won't experience with me. Not to insinuate i'm against doing things she wants to do, on the contrary we usually do both of what we want but I get the feeling she falls more on doing what I want. And she's young and doesn't understand the full weight of what I expect out of a solid relationship. One reason why I haven't put 100% of my feelings into this is because while I do feel this is a decent relationship, I still feel that there is more growing together that needs to happen to open my heart more. I am a romantic and do lots of sweet things for her almost getting to the point (I think) of having the "nice guy" persona overwhelm the rest of our relationship. But as an example she feels that love is more or less an on/off switch while I feel it's like a scale that can change in increments back and forth.

4. Sex......She's a machine! I've been able to satisfy her but her drive is WAYYYY higher than mine. I actually hate it too. I was a hornball in HS but didn't have sex until I was 23. I wish there was a way to have the drive I used to. I've been trying to change that. I've taken Tonkat Ali, Goat weed, Tribulus and L-Argenine supplements (in variation) and nothing has really made a difference. It's very discouraging because sometimes I start going soft when I don't want to and other times i'm like a rock. There's times I can go for over an hour all out and other times i'm ready to blow in a few minutes. It's crazy how inconsitant I am. She's kinda odd herself. I've only been able to give her a few orgasms even though i'm the first one who has. You'd think that after getting there a few times she would be able to just explode anytime we did stuff but it just doesn't happen very often. We get into it and 30 minutes into the act, it seems like there's no end. I'm usually ready to go and she's maybe just starting to get a good feeling.

But she's VERY VERY distractable. I'm the kind of person who in the middle of sex you'd need a holocaust going on next door for me to loose my train of thought. She loses concentration on a pencil dot on the ceiling. That's not to say she's bored by my performance, it's just that she's ALWAYS preoccupied with thoughts. I scared her one time and she cried because I held her arms (not rough but firm) on the bed while having sex. I was just varying touching/kissing/etc. and she freaked and got cold and dry right away before I realized what was up. Seems her ex who raped her did that to her and the memories last. She also had a hard time looking at my eyes because they're the same color but she's gotten over that.
So it takes VERY DIFFICULT concentration for her to get off satisfactory. I think she's more frustrated now than before because she knows what an orgasm finally feels like but can't have it often with me. (at least hasn't very much currently) I do try and be reasurring telling her that practice makes perfect and that it will be more common as time goes on and she learns how to control the feelings and changes. I've even thought about doing NLP hypnosis on her to have her be more receptive.
She's also the only girl i've been with that has been unable to orgasm ever using oral or manual stimulation. (And I think i have some decent techniques i've practiced with so I don't think it's HOW i'm doing it)

So basically my questions are to those who have had similar relationships (or sexual situations) should I just take it as it goes in regards to how things have kinda slowed down in the lovey dovey/sexual department or act upon that?
Anyone think I should spend more time with women to get her to see me more as a desirable/sexual person and not just a "nice guy"? (not in a bad way, just hanging out. I have no intention of ever cheating on her or anyone. If I ever had that urge, i'd be a man and break up before falling to that level. I know what it feels like to find out someone did that to you)

In the sex department, is there anything you'd recommend for me kicking my drive up some without going to the extreme of testosterone therapy? (I am concerned that even though i'm 26 I may develop prostate problems because it runs in the family. Grandfather died of P. cancer and father has prostitis and has to use Viagra for sex) I know TMI right? hehe.

As for her, what do you think I can do to keep her interested and not dissapointed every time she doesn't orgasm? I've talked to women and they say it's something that can improve with her age as her body adjusts to it (and most women don't hit their peak until 20's) but she gets so upset at herself (never said it was me or my fault) when she gets right on the edge and doesn't orgasm. As an example let's say orgams is 100 on a 1-100 arousal scale. She gets to 98% and it plummets all the way to 7. Seriously. She gets so bummed there's she can't continue enjoying anything else. I've been teased and stuff before but I enjoy the adventure as much as the destination! lol. She's more focused on the end result.

I do have thoughts on if this can work but right now i'm not looking for marriage or anything. She's hinted that she already has plans for our future and feels that she can be with me as a husband but i've heard that before. I get the "you'd make a great husband" but don't often hear the "I bet he'd be a great bf!" But things seem stable right now besides the inferno passion that could clear forests from her now feels like it's become a campfire good for roasting weenies occasionly (no pun intended) I don't know if this is enough to mess things up or if it's just the relationship balencing itself our with the initial excitement dying down.

Thanks so much to those who read through this. I know it's WAY WAY too long for one post but I just had to get it out. If anyone cares to respond i'd be more than happy to listen to your comments. If anyone would like a link to a "why do nice guys finish last" discussion page which has great advice and ideas for nice guys to actually have luck, i'll link it in a post.

Have a great day all and God bless!

[rocknroll9]

ok, now you im probobly not qualified to give any advice, but what the hell i had something similar. Im a teenager, freshman in highschool, that makes it way different. But my ex had been raped before, and also had a whole lot of baggage. I wasn't ready to have sex yet, and she said she was ok with that, but seemed unsatisfied. She was into some heavier drugs than i carried to be around, like acid. I new it would be a good idea to leave her, buti didnt have the heart to do it, cause im too nice. If she hadnt of dumped me, i doont know how much shit i would be in now. She has tried to kill herself recently a few times, and is addicted to coke now. I am sooooo thankful that she dumped me, you have no idea. Moral of the story is, you probly should find somebody who has about equal baggage as you have, not more and not less. sry i couldnt help anymore.

[jane]

k.. here is my thought Bono .. she sounds Bipolar.. which is not a bad thing but she may have some hidden issues that even she hasnt dealt with. As for not "keeping up" in the sex dept. thats not your fault really.. If she is easily distracted ... then sex .. well.. like I said she may be bipolar.

People that are easily distracted have a tendency to be kinda permiscuious. I am not saying she is... Im just saying that she may have an underline thought that you arent seeing.

Talk to her. Tell her you thoughts ... I will say that your right about who she hangs out with .. you cant tell her not to .. you BUT! you can point out his faults to her a little.. EXPAMPLE.. " I like him but he seems so into himself... " ... get her on her level ya know?


Good luck!

[rocknroll9]

id like tha nice guy thing too if you could post that bad boy-thanx

[Bonovox40]

Here's that "nice guy" article I found.
[url]http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=17008[/url]


Well, family history-wise, her mom is a little scatterbrained and her older brother HAS been diagnosed with bipoler, so it's possible she does have it. She doesn't express signs like he does though (rapid mood swings) She's like a gradual shift into something that may or may not last awhile. (like depressed for almost a week)

And yes, I know that people who are distracted are usually more promiscuous, and I am careful to watch her actions and behavior. Like I said, I'm looking for qualities in someone who match/compliment me in a way that will endure.
But she isn't like distracted as how you think she might be. Like if a hot guy walks by she doesn't stare off after him or look like she's in lala land. She might look, sure but then is it wrong for me to notice someone beautiful as well? No. But i'm certainly not going to oogle anyone and she hasn't either. It's that she gets distracted with her own thoughts and concerns. Like "what will tomorrow be like in class, what's my folks going to say about such and such, I wonder what Bono thought about that thing I said..."

That kind of distraction. She can sometimes be totally focused on what we're doing. (Like when we go bowling, we just bowl, laugh, have a good time and she's always smiling.) But other times like driving around or even during sex, she might lose focus and start thinking about something else. Like how ADD was for me. I'd just daydream away or zone out what the hell the teachers were saying. I didn't really TRY to not listen. I just didn't listen. She WANTS to stay focused but when something gets her attention, it's almost like a spiral from one thing to the other.

"What was that noise outside? Is somebody walking near your door? Who would be walking around at this time of night? What time is it? Hmm, we only have another half hour before I have to go. And then I still have to get dressed, clean up. Maybe grab something to drink on the way. I wonder if traffic is going to be tight, maybe we should leave early....etc, etc, etc."

As you can tell, if you started thinking about that in the MIDDLE of sex...you wouldn't stay very aroused now would you, let alone anywhere near orgasmic. :-P Only times she is pretty focused is when she's doing stuff to me down there. (but obviously, that's not going to get HER off.) And besides, there's something rather unusual in that way too which i'll post about because i've NEVER heard of this semi-problem. lol , I'll explain it soon.