Please, need your advice on love.

[Fenne]

This is my first post on here, so please forgive me if I get something really wrong! Sorry if the post is long too, I will try to keep it as short as I can.

I really need advice on this problem I've been having.

I'm in my 20's and when I was 6 years younger I met a man. I pretty much fell head over heels for him, and one day confessed my feelings to him. We both were seeing other people, and he wanted us to give things a go and get rid of our partners but I felt I couldn't hurt my partner even though he had cheated on me and stolen from me, lied to me etc. so I said we should just be friends.

The trouble was, I couldn't just be friends with him, and in the end it was torture not being with him, so I planned to talk to him, check he still had feelings for me, then break up with my partner as nicely as I could. Trouble is, the day before I planned this talk, the guy started seeing someone new, and they are still together till this day.

For a long time I was angry and hurt, then I realised it wasn't his fault, he hadn't known I was planning to leave my partner for him, but by then the damage was done, and by the time I wasn't mad anymore we weren't really friends either. We would avoid each other if we saw each other, and I missed his company dreadfully. He's been one of my closest friends for a long time.

Time passed, I broke up with the guy I was with, seeing him for what he was, and never really falling out of love with the lost-love guy (I'll call X). I was single for a year, but in that time dated casually quite a few guys, just seeing who was out there and trying to find out who was right for me, but never forgetting X. By the time we moved out of living in the same town we were able to talk a little without bitterness, would chat if we met in the street or email occassionally.

I met a wonderful man eventually, who I had actually known a little for years, and he and I are still together 3 years on. He is everything I could ever want, and I love him dearly. The trouble is I still think about X and contacted him on a certain social networking site recently. We send messages back and forth, just friendly stuff about what we've been up to, but I find myself looking forward to his emails more and more.

I have woken up recently from romantic dreams about him. There is no way even if he was single and came begging that I would leave my lovely partner for him, or cheat, but I feel so bad that I am cheating emotionally by still having these feelings. A part of me always felt I would love X forever, and never get over him, and that in some way he and I were linked and couldn't ever be truly cut off from one another again.

I'm sure X dosen't even think of me the way I think of him, I'm quite sure he forgot all about me and might not even have felt much back in our golden times.He loves his partner very much, I'm sure. He is a good person. What I need to know is, should I keep talking to him? It would be hard to stop, and also hard to explain why, and a part of me feels that if we just talk like normal friends it will help me get closure and turn the whole thing mundane and ordinary, and that I am mystifying the whole thing because there were so many years he and I didn't speak.

It keeps occuring to me that it's 5 years since we liked each other, and that's a long time, people change. he probably isn't the same person I knew. Will I always love him? It seems so hopefless and unfaithful and pointless and futile. I feel like I am bolting forward recklessly with no idea of how this can end well. Could it really be good for me, to get him out of my system and show me he is just a human being, not some kind of idol? Or am I making things worse?

I should mention there is no possibility of us meeting up, it will be purely online contact, and the second it got flirty I would stop it, but I don't think it will....it's just warm and friendly. I don't know what to think....he was the love of my life for so many years, I always reckoned if I looked back when I get to 100 he would be the man I would remember best....all this for someone I never even kissed.

A part of me thinks it is romantic, to hold a candle for the one man you can't forget, who you try to stop loving but can't because somehow, you are two twin souls....but another part says, you crazy obsessed stalker lady! If it was like that, he would feel the same and he obviouyslt dosent and what about your poor partner? He would never have feelings for another woman like this.

I don't know what to think or do, please help! I am such a bad person I can give more details if anyone wants... please help me out!

[zoso]

Well, why did you initiate contact with him in the first place? Was a "friends only" kind of relationship the only thing on your mind? Do you only love him as a friend? If not, you should break it off. When this gets to flirting, as it inevitably will at some point, it doesn't sound like you'd stop contacting him.

[IndiReloaded]

The trouble was, I couldn't just be friends with him, and in the end it was torture not being with him

by the time I wasn't mad anymore we weren't really friends either.

but never forgetting X. By the time we moved out of living in the same town we were able to talk a little without bitterness, would chat if we met in the street or email occassionally.

The trouble is I still think about X and contacted him on a certain social networking site recently. We send messages back and forth, just friendly stuff about what we've been up to, but I find myself looking forward to his emails more and more.

I have woken up recently from romantic dreams about him.

I'm sure X dosen't even think of me the way I think of him, I'm quite sure he forgot all about me and might not even have felt much back in our golden times.He loves his partner very much, I'm sure. He is a good person.

What I need to know is, should I keep talking to him? Will I always love him? Could it really be good for me, to get him out of my system and show me he is just a human being, not some kind of idol? Or am I making things worse?

and the second it got flirty I would stop it

I don't know what to think....he was the love of my life for so many years, I always reckoned if I looked back when I get to 100 he would be the man I would remember best....

I am such a bad person I can give more details if anyone wants... please help me out!

Okay Fenne, I think I got a read on this.

First of all, you are NOT ever going to be 'just friends' with this guy. If you doubt that, go back & read the comments I pulled from you post. You think you are in love with this guy.

I would remind you of your own comment--ppl change. And given the fact that you never really dated, I would say you are in love with a fantasy more than him per se. You don't really know anything about what this guy would be like in a romantic setting.

As far as him responding to you, he is probably being nice. And perhaps a bit flattered at the attention. You should perhaps consider, tho, that things can quickly develop into an unintended relationship w/lots of communication. Esp if you two did have a previous 'history' of sorts. Familiarity is the first step to comfort, which leads to emotional sharing... which leads to attachment & affairs. An online affair is more than possible, even with the physical distance b/t you two.

So, while you are carefully considering your own feelings in this, while you state that YOU would be able to stop things the moment flirting started to happen, what about HIM? You aren't considering him or his current relationship. What if HE developed feelings before you?

Ah, I'm nasty... yes, you got a little rush of pleasure at that thought?

My advice to you would be to leave well enough alone. Its not like you two remained friends for years & have a whole shared history together. You went your separate ways. Why try to open this can of worms? If you are looking for love & admiration, look to your current partner & leave this other guy alone. No good will come from this.

Good luck.

[Mish]

I don't know what to think or do, please help! I am such a bad person I can give more details if anyone wants... please help me out!

I don't think it's love, the real description for this feeling I think is "infatuation". It sounds like you're infatuated with this guy. Love is a lot more than what you described you're experiencing and it ussually involves reciprication. If you recongnize it for what it is then it should be easier for you to let it go. It's not a crime to be infatuated with someone, everyone does it at some point in time even in relationships. It's counterproductive but there are ways to let it go.

[Fenne]

thanks for the replies and help everyone, plenty for me to think about

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think she got the answers she wanted to hear, Mish.

Yes, Fenne, think very, very hard before you do anything more than you already have. Stop stirring the pot.