Confusion after what happened last night

[afterthe_rain]

Hello, just looking for some advice here from the female or male gender, actually both perspectives would help. I am currently just finishing up a divorce and on the dating scene again. It didn't take me long to get my feet wet so to speak, and I thought(maybe there's still a possibility) he was a nice guy. We've been seeing each other for about a month, and our relationship had never reached the sex level until last night. I did not want to go there, as I didn't want to rush things. Things got pretty heated and I gave nonverbal cues, that I did not want to go there. I was fine with some petting,heavy kissing etc, as we have done that before.

Anyway,as for the nonverbal cues I gave first, I stopped his hand from trying to take my underwear off, he'd stop then move to something else. He'd come back to it again and I told him verbally "not yet"(meaning not now, not tonight etc) He was just like, why, it's ok, I'll be careful. I know I should have just stopped him right there, but I let him continue with other things. Then he became really fast and agressive asking me to just please let him. He said it in such a way that I felt bad for saying no in the first place. I said, wait I don't want to do this, and he just kept saying, it's going to be alright, just relax . I did not protest during the act, because it was already being done. It was probably my fault for giving him mixed signals, but part of me feels like he took advantage of it, and the other part of me is mad at myself for not standing my ground. No I am not crying rape, but I do feel violated. Now I'm just confused wondering if I sent too many mixed messages, or if he would have stopped if I was more firm?

[vashti]

I guess you'll never know for sure whether or not he would have stopped had you been more assertive.

Sorry you had this experience. It seems that many women have to learn the hard way the value of making sure our body language matches the words that come out of our mouths.

What a crappy way to be welcomed back into the dating world.

[afterthe_rain]

That's kinda why I feel wrong for being upset with him. At the same time I closed my legs tightly which i thought he would get the hint.

Thanks for your honest input.

[IndiReloaded]

It was disrespectful of him not to stop. He was thinking more of his needs than yours, obviously. But you didn't do anything wrong, just to be clear. Its fine to feel upset, I think. What are you going to do about it now?

[vashti]

That's kinda why I feel wrong for being upset with him. At the same time I closed my legs tightly which i thought he would get the hint.

Thanks for your honest input.

I didn't mean to imply I wouldn't be upset with him. In fact, I don't know that I'd date him any more. It doesn't really matter if you didn't handle yourself 100% "correctly"... you feel violated, and I don't know how you can talk yourself into not feeling that way.

[Mish]

Now I'm just confused wondering if I sent too many mixed messages, or if he would have stopped if I was more firm?

I think you should've been more firm just to see what kind of a person he is. Though, your description of him doesn't paint a nice pciture. I'm referring to this "Then he became really fast and agressive asking me to just please let him." It makes me wonder at what he could've done if you actually said no.

I think you made a mistake here "I know I should have just stopped him right there, but I let him continue with other things. "

So what are you going to do now?

[Only-virgins]

Meh, a no is a no to me..that is rape in my opinion.

[afterthe_rain]

It's up in the air what I'm going to do now. Since it's happened he's acting normal,and doesn't have a clue as to why I'm aloof. I just did not expect that. He's a great guy in every other way, and part of me says to give him the benefit of the doubt(i know it's hard for guys to stop once they get started)the other part of me says to run run run.

[misombra]

why don't you tell him that what he did was not okay.

[DoesntMatter]

Yeah, I agree with OV, that pretty much sounds like rape

[lesa]

What a tough situation! It will be tricky how to deal with this because you have to define what happened in your opinion.

Never easily give a man that much control by defining it as rape. Take power over what happened! He f*ed up and let him know how disappointed you are.

[vashti]

You know, I am really glad you males feel this way. It is better to be safe than sorry. However, I once had a 15 year old girl riding in the back seat of my car next to a boy that was all arms and lips. I told them more than once to keep their hands to themselves. From my vantage point, it looked entirely consentual. After I dropped the boy at home, the girl thanked me for intervening because she said she was telling him to stop, and he wouldn't.


???!!!???

I was right in the front seat, and it thoroughly looked like she was enjoying it, and I didn't hear any words of protest. Trust me, as the mother of a daughter, I am pretty sensitive to girls and consent. If it looked to me like she was enjoying it when I was sitting 3 feet away, how was the boy supposed to know any better?

I was angry at the girl because I have a son, too. Girls who don't make their words and body language match are dangerous to boys.

[DoesntMatter]

Even though I consider this rape, isn't this pretty much how the first time for most girls is? They tell the guy to stop or go slower, and the guy tells them to relax and they keep on going? Tiay was saying that was how her first time was and I think that's how it is for a lot of girls first time. Which is why they probably end up losing their virginity to someone who doesn't really care about them

[lesa]

I agree vashti and DM. But she needs to define what happened in her own opinion to gain more control of what happened. By definition, yes we can say it was rape but I would rather feel that it was a major misunderstanding, etc.

Like vashti said women have to match their words with their body language. Otherwise many occasions will clearly be defined as simply rape rather than other issues.

A physical fight or standing up/moving away and a no will clear any confusions. I am NOT excusing what happened!

[vashti]

DM - my first time was entirely consentual. When I said no, I meant it, and there was no mistaking my meaning.

Aftertherain - I don't know how you can overlook the circumstances surrounding this sexual encounter. Whether or not he was too aggressive or you were too weak, it will probably remain a bad memory for you. I don't know if this can be the basis for a healthy relationship from this point on.