Just want to understand..

[Lola]

My boyfriend and I have been broken up for a little over a month now. It wasn't a long relationship - only 5 months, but we saw each other quite a bit and talked every night. It was the first time I've been in love in 10 years. I am 39 years old and he is 35. I knew he had a drinking problem, but I didn't know how bad it was until I was already involved with him. Then, months later, I found out he has been smoking pot since he was 17. I hardly drink and I have never done pot, and I was devastated, but like a fool, I stayed in the relationship.

As I said, we are broken up. It was a mutual thing because he said I deserve better and we are so different. The thing that hurts the most is that in less than a month, he is already seeing someone. To make matters worse, he has been calling me crying and whining...I miss you....I'll never find anyone has good as you....I think of you everyday and night...there is nothing between me and her, etc. I only found out just a week ago about her, so the last time he called, I busted him. Well, he still called again a week later. Saying the same things again. After that call, I went to his house for a face to face talk. Well, she was on her way over. Okay. Make me feel worse won't you? I asked him how could he keep calling me while he's seeing her? He said he thinks of me, but he won't call anymore. I think he feels guilty because he has hurt me and he wants to try and make it better, but it only makes it worse.

My problem is this. I know I'm better off because he would always be emotionally unavailable to me because of his addictions and more than likely, it would only get worse. The thing is despite his addictions, he did treat me good and I miss those qualities. That's what I am having such a hard time dealing with. Now, he's with her and she gets those good qualities. Of course, she gets everything else too and so will her child.

I hope someone else can help me with this because I really need some kind of insight into this. I'm trying to get over the feeling of rejection and failure. I know I was very good to him, but because he moved on so quickly, I feel like our relationship was a lie. If he is stupid enough to call again, I will NOT answer the phone, which is what I should have done a long time ago.

[squirrley]

You answered your own questions or thoughts already. You know you shouldnt have answered his calls or went to his house. The best thing you can do(in my opinion) is to avoid him at ALL costs. You are better off without him-he does things that make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe he doesnt do the drugs/drinkn in front of you but he does it.

As far as the other girl-if he were so in love with you he wouldnt have moved on so quickly-BUT maybe thats his way of dealing with your relationship being over-which is totally unhealthy. Shes a rebound girl for him. But you dont want to be in a position where hes gonna know he can keep running back to you. You have to stand your ground and let him know you dont want this anymore. Of course it hurts you feel rejected-but later down the road that feeling will disappear and you'll be glad youre NOT in that relationship any longer.

Stop taking his calls. And move on to something or someone you truly deserve and deserves you...

[jane]

My problem is this. I know I'm better off because he would always be emotionally unavailable to me because of his addictions and more than likely, it would only get worse. The thing is despite his addictions, he did treat me good and I miss those qualities. That's what I am having such a hard time dealing with. Now, he's with her and she gets those good qualities. Of course, she gets everything else too and so will her child.

If he is stupid enough to call again, I will NOT answer the phone, which is what I should have done a long time ago.

Do you know how amazing it is to read that you are so on the right track?

I know you think that the relationship was a lie.. I would too but believe me .. you are doing the right thing. DONT LET HIM CALL YOU!

You need to take care of you and your feelings. That is more important then anything!

This will pass and things will get better ..

[garyjk87]

im new here, but take it from a recovering drunk. He maybe doesnt want to be with you but when he gets loaded he misses the good time he can remember. And his life sucks so if he can bring you down to his level then he will feel better. If you would let him do what he wants when he wants and be thre for him at his convience then he would stay with you. But believe me its no way of life i listen to my ex's tell me how big of a ass i was when i was drinking. until he wants to quit his chemical abuse there isnt a life for you with him. He is looking for someone he can pull off the shelf and wipe off the dust when he has time. And in no way are you a failure, the nice only lasts so long, soon you will be over him and ready to move on to a healthy realationship. Like i said before i was him and the first year or so was always good then hell took over. honestly it may hurt now but in the long run you did the right thing. Thats my opinion from the alcoholics point of view. I hope this will help ya out some. gary

[KaWaiiSkYe]

Ahh.. you got the same avatar as Alexi.. Noooooooooooooo...
Sorry..

[kawabungz]

I agree with garyjk87. Drunk guys who have relationship problems will always look for their past girlfriends just for a hope of a rebound... I'm guilty of that.. I admit.

I dont speak for all men but just my two cents worth. Move On..