Tourmanting Ex BF...

[TylerDurdun]

Hi all,

I've been having relationship issues lately and seek some advice.

I'm deeply in love with my current GF. We have been together for more then two years now and been sharing a home for almost two years. About 3 months ago she started crying in bed and she ended up telling me she was scared of not being in love with me anymore. I was broken. See our relation from my point of view was going really good. We had fun together, we shared everything, I was a great support for her and the sex was good... I mean basically nothing was indicating this to me. Intuitively, I got suspicious, cause I know girls enough to smell something was wrong. So that is how I found out that she and her ex BF from like 5 years ago (witch I knew and respected the fact that she was seeing as friends from time to time ) were sharing deep feelings about each other. She always was honest about the fact that this guy was very important to her (like a brother let say) but she also was clear that she could not imagine being with him. They did not do anything physically but I felt cheated emotionally by their psychological bond. I told her to leave and think about this. I said I wanted her to come back but I wanted her to be 100% with me, so basically take your time and decide what you want. Of course she came back. I knew how important this guy was for her and felt that if I told her not to see him anymore, it would be literately push her away from me. So I asked her to set a clear limit to him. A definite line between friendship and intimate bond that could not be crossed and to keep me up to date on if she talks or chat to him. She did just that for about a month. But it did not do me well. She now tells me she cannot be with me cause she feels bad that this guy is still in her head. She says that she (and him to) are not able to truly be in relationships cause there is still something between them. She does not want to lose me because, well she loves me and feels good with me, but she feels trapped with this other guy on her mind. She feels if she stops all contact with him without "closing" their relation it will always be in her mind. She doesn't know what to do. She says the best outcome she could expect would be to go with him and witness this is all fantasy so then she could come back with me and be 100%. But that is just something I cannot accept.

So now we are on what we call a break.
We still live and sleep together. We share everything like before. We support each other we cry together. But we do not kiss or have sex. We both still need each other. but I'm wandering if I should take a firmer approach and ask her to leave again? Or staying by he side could solidify our relationship?

It's just hard to be attractive and win her heart back when feeling desperate. I'm always on the thin line where I want to give her space, but still want to be there for her.

And meanwhile, the other guy is like ok take your time. So she juste has a fantasy of him, and could hard truth about me. Its hard to compete with a fantasy when you just feel dumped.

Anyways, I could go on for ours....

Thanks fo any advice!

Hi all,

I've been having relationship issues lately and seek some advice.

I'm deeply in love with my current GF. We have been together for more then two years now and been sharing a home for almost two years. About 3 months ago she started crying in bed and she ended up telling me she was scared of not being in love with me anymore. I was broken. See our relation from my point of view was going really good. We had fun together, we shared everything, I was a great support for her and the sex was good... I mean basically nothing was indicating this to me. Intuitively, I got suspicious, cause I know girls enough to smell something was wrong. So that is how I found out that she and her ex BF from like 5 years ago (witch I knew and respected the fact that she was seeing as friends from time to time ) were sharing deep feelings about each other. She always was honest about the fact that this guy was very important to her (like a brother let say) but she also was clear that she could not imagine being with him. They did not do anything physically but I felt cheated emotionally by their psychological bond. I told her to leave and think about this. I said I wanted her to come back but I wanted her to be 100% with me, so basically take your time and decide what you want. Of course she came back. I knew how important this guy was for her and felt that if I told her not to see him anymore, it would be literately push her away from me. So I asked her to set a clear limit to him. A definite line between friendship and intimate bond that could not be crossed and to keep me up to date on if she talks or chat to him. She did just that for about a month. But it did not do me well. She now tells me she cannot be with me cause she feels bad that this guy is still in her head. She says that she (and him to) are not able to truly be in relationships cause there is still something between them. She does not want to lose me because, well she loves me and feels good with me, but she feels trapped with this other guy on her mind. She feels if she stops all contact with him without "closing" their relation it will always be in her mind. She doesn't know what to do. She says the best outcome she could expect would be to go with him and witness this is all fantasy so then she could come back with me and be 100%. But that is just something I cannot accept.

So now we are on what we call a break.
We still live and sleep together. We share everything like before. We support each other we cry together. But we do not kiss or have sex. We both still need each other. but I'm wandering if I should take a firmer approach and ask her to leave again? Or staying by he side could solidify our relationship?

It's just hard to be attractive and win her heart back when feeling desperate. I'm always on the thin line where I want to give her space, but still want to be there for her.

And meanwhile, the other guy is like ok take your time. So she juste has a fantasy of him, and could hard truth about me. Its hard to compete with a fantasy when you just feel dumped.

Anyways, I could go on for ours....

Thanks fo any advice!

[Citycat]

It seems that she sees her relationship with you as something stable but unexciting. She lacks adventure and unfamiliar, so then she starts to fantasize how exciting a relationship with her ex could be. With you she probably finds that everything is clear, open, tried and predictable, like you're this great guy who'll always be there for her.

There's no way anyone can compete with a fantasy. She has to make up her mind.

She says the best outcome she could expect would be to go with him and witness this is all fantasy so then she could come back with me and be 100%

But that is just something I cannot accept.

I know it sounds and is awful, but if she gets back with him, her fantasy will probably pop like a balloon. You're in unenviable position, you're on hold. The question here is, what will you do once she decides?

To her I could advise that "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", but this is not about advising her, it's about trying to help you.

Best luck.

[TylerDurdun]

Thanks for your inputs ...

The only problem is that she seems to know that the fantacy will most likely pop like a ballon but feels the ballon need to be poped in order to keep going with her life.

I know this can sound desperate but I still have hopes she can get things straiten up in her head without having to go for a second ride with this guy. I can still feel her strongly. Even in this weird situation we are very close and we get along just fine. We talk about the issue and we both understand each other. Our communication is really good. She is not rushing to go to him and this shows me that our relation means something to her and that her mind is far from being made up for this guy. (She went to see him the night she told me about this cause she needed to straiten it up with him. To see if she was the only one feeling this way about there situation. Obviously she was not. But, since then, she only answered emails saying she needs time to figure things out. So he waits patiently knowing he has nothing to lose now.) The fact that she is not rushing back to him shows me great respect and gives me hope. She knows theses impossible loves always feed deep emotion that are often more fantasy's then real bond. Plus, since they had a relation in rough times of both their lives, they have been true things that touches them deeply and brings back strong feelings. But in the other hand, she as always been comfortable with me, she says she can be herself and become a better person with me like with nobody else. I mean like a year ago this girl was crying just thinking I could be gone and now the fact that she has doubts about her love because of this little ****er is just a bunch of croc. I guess the point of this post is this: Would it be so bad if I was to break this peace of shit in two? Maybe he would then see the sacrifice he needs to make to get her back and she could see what a laod of crap he is!

Thanks for your inputs everybody...

I know this can sound desperate but I still have hopes she can get things straiten up in her head without having to go for a second ride with this guy. I can still feel her strongly. Even in this weird situation we are very close and we get along just fine. We talk about the issue and we both understand each other. Our communication is really good. She is not rushing to go to him and this shows me that our relation means something to her and that her mind is far from being made up for this guy. (She went to see him the night she told me about this cause she needed to straiten it up with him. To see if she was the only one feeling this way about there situation. Obviously she was not. But, since then, she only answered emails saying she needs time to figure things out. So he waits patiently knowing he has nothing to lose now.) The fact that she is not rushing back to him shows me great respect and gives me hope. She knows theses impossible loves always feed deep emotion that are often more fantasy's then real bond. Plus, since they had a relation in rough times of both their lives, they have been true things that touches them deeply and brings back strong feelings. But in the other hand, she as always been comfortable with me, she says she can be herself and become a better person with me like with nobody else. I mean like a year ago this girl was crying just thinking I could be gone and now the fact that she has doubts about her love because of this little ****er is just a bunch of croc. I guess the point of this post is this: Would it be so bad if I was to break this peace of shit in two? Maybe he would then see the sacrifice he needs to make to get her back and she could see what a laod of crap he is!

[Aegis]

whoops...that was supposed to be more seamless than it was...somehow managed to destroy all but citycat's replies...lol...umm...3 cheers for moron moderators!

Tyler! Use *one* thread per topic! You're making me destroy everyone's replies! lol