Please help, what is he thinking?

[yolanda55]

Okay, I'm a 22 year old female, who's been with her 22 year old boyfriend for 11 months. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. We have fallen in love, but there's one problem and it's a big problem. He constantly reminds me how much smarter he is than I am. At first I tried to ignore it, but it's gotten worse. I almost broke up with him 3 months into it because he told me I was smart, just not book smart. When I told him it bothered me, he told me I just wasn't physics smart. I've already had low self esteem in the smarts department because my 19 year old sister is pre-med and she's always been the "smart one". He not only talks to me like this, but he talks to everybody like they're below him and he's smarter than they are. When I told him that he does it to everybody, I actually brought him to tears and he told me that he doesn't mean to, and he even asked me to ignore it because he doesn't mean to sound like this. I certainly felt like a bitch when I made him cry, but he doesn't realize how much he hurts me when he talks down to me. I know he has low self esteem because he thinks of himself as ugly (I certainly do not think he's ugly) and he's always counted on his smarts to make himself feel just as good as everyone else. I know he obviously loves me, as he's talked about marriage and having children together, but I can't help but to feel a little nervous, as I don't want to be talked down to for the rest of my life. I recently wrote him a very long letter explaining how I felt, and I haven't given it to him yet, but I'm kind of nervous about giving it to him. It basically just talks about how he talks down to everybody and acts like he's better than everyone and I'm sick of it and that he hurts my feelings almost constantly. I know he's a sweetheart, but how can I trust someone that always acts like I'm stupid? I'm afraid that if I do have children with him that he'll talk to them like they're stupid without realizing that he's doing it. I love him very much and even though he's very intelligent with stuff like physics, he has almost no common sense at all. I can't be with someone that thinks of me as a dumbass, but I do know he loves me. He also once said, "You're obviously not dumb" but I didn't believe him because of the way he talks to me. I'm very confused and don't know what to do. Please give me advice, I'll take any.
I know love is supposed to improve your self esteem and you aren't supposed to feel judged, but I want to believe he doesn't mean the things he says. I've brought up ending the relationship a couple of times, and he cried. His parents love me and everyone says they can see us married. I honestly do not know what to do.

[kbender1]

I would say the problem lyes in him. If he is putting others down, it is to make himself feel better which could be true since you said that he thinks of himself as ugly. There must be an issue that he needs to address before he can change for you. Hope this helps a little.

[Brose]

Oh for sure.
The problem is totally his. The guy sounds like a total deuschbag. No one wants to hear about how smart you are, how you are smarter than everyone, cuz guess what there is always someone smarter. Unless your ass is named Stephen Hawking, don't come to me with that nonsense. obviously he has no EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, the kind you have shown, because he has NO Insight on how he is making you feel, how he makes others around him feel, or how he HIMSELF feels about his own shortcomings as a man. Thas what people don't get. Man you can't measure intelligence completely in a test score or a grade. Sure its nice to know more than the "average" person. But whats most important in this life is How you TREAT OTHER PEOPLE.

One of my mentors always says:

People first, then money, then things.

And its the code that I live by. Stuff like this gets me incensed. Here you have this wonderful girl full of love to give and this dude jus puts her down because he might have a higher IQ? Get the fu-k outta here.

straight up in a relationship there must be MUTUAL RESPECT before any real love can happen. he has already shown NO respect for your wishes. good luck girl!

[damn2008]

I would say the problem lyes in him. If he is putting others down, it is to make himself feel better which could be true since you said that he thinks of himself as ugly. There must be an issue that he needs to address before he can change for you. Hope this helps a little.

You hit the nail on the head. A lot of dudes who have any issues of self-esteem will say AND do things to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Personally, I never take that route...I am quite humble when compliments are thrown at me. I strongly believe in "treating people the way you want to be treated yourself"...I'm respectful, at work and other situations I give credit where credit is due.

A few of my friends have belittled others (sometimes other friends) in front of girls they like and I typically advise them not to do that because it makes them look weak and lacking confidence...especially when they take low blows like that.

[shh!]

Yolanda, you are smart enough to realize what this could escalate to if he doesn't get a hold of himself... I'd say that is smart enough.

The question is: are you willing to leave him if he can't/won't stop this behavior? He needs to know you mean business if he wants to keep you. I think he needs therapy to deal with his own issues. You might consider making that a condition for your staying around.

[devilz advocate]

Maybe the problem was with him. Talk to him.Let him realize that what he said hurts other people. Let him also realize that not all people that he'll talk have the same IQ with him. Tell him to be very careful in talking, I mean he has to think first what he's gonna say. And in that, maybe he will learn not to hurt anymore.

I thinks it's not the right reason to end up your relationship. Understand him but don't let him feel that his always right.

[Mike Chudej]

Yolanda,

The problems:

1. Your boy is not thinking before he is going to say something.
2. Self-confident (smart in physic) problem that he is trying to compensate with his perceived looks (he thinks he is not good looking).

You may try:
1st of all you must let him REALIZED that what he said "hurt you".

He shouldn't even suggested you to ignore it. You can't, no one can ignore it if it's being reminded constantly. Even a deaf person can felt it, if someone constantly talk down at him.

It's ok for you to feel bad that he's crying when you tell him. I believe that he's crying because you told him that you are going to break up with him. (If he really cares about your feeling, he must have stop talking that way already.)

Why is it OK? --> If you want your relationship to go further, it must base on love, respect, and honesty.

By letting him know that he is hurting you and everyone else, you are doing him a favor. You give him a feedback, a chance for him to become a better person. If you're not doing that, it means you don't care.


Say something like this:

(his name), we've been together for ....

Do you realized that anytime that you talk like (give him a solid example), you are hurting me and everyone you talk to?

Give him time to realized.

Then, say something like .... "I believe there is something that we could do to improve this."

If he is conscious about his looks, he needs to be reminded by you that he is good looking. (Be honest and sincere) Tell him out of the blue, or whisper in his ear, or during your quality time.