Torn between boyfriend and another man

[Norma Jean]

Obviously I'm not the first person this has heppened to but here's my story, as quickly as I can make it.

I'm 25, been with my boyfriend for just over a year. At first we kind of just wandered upon eachothers path without any lust or painful admiration for one another. It just kind of .. happened. No real butterfly in the belly type of thing.
Things progress slowly, I find that he has a hard time willing to compromise. I pursue the subject of moving in, he finds many reasons not to.
I recently find myself less and less interested sexually. I like his comfort, his friendship and we enjoy spending much of our time together.

Then I meet the 'other man' Who I actually knew long ago in high school. Instantly those butterflies almost fill my entire body. I find myself wanting to talk to him all the time, thinking about him, missing him. Things 'progress' ... I find myself in his presence when I shouldn't be. I now begin to tell my boyfriend that I'm with friends when I'm with 'other man'
Other man is pretty charming, if not somewhat goofy and slighly less mature than I would normally go for. I can't help but be painfully attracted to him whenever I see him. I become really quite pathetic around him.

I know in my mind, that it would be stupid to leave the comfort and stability of my long term relationship for the unknown appeal of a practical stranger. But I feel that if you really love someone, you wouldn't begin lying to them, or avoiding them and most of all having uncontrolled thoughts about another person. I barely even SEE said 'other guy' and I still can't help myself.
I feel like a horrible person. And any advice is crucial for me. Please help! Thanks!
Norma Jean.

[Mish]

I know in my mind, that it would be stupid to leave the comfort and stability of my long term relationship for the unknown appeal of a practical stranger. But I feel that if you really love someone, you wouldn't begin lying to them, or avoiding them and most of all having uncontrolled thoughts about another person. I barely even SEE said 'other guy' and I still can't help myself.
I feel like a horrible person. And any advice is crucial for me. Please help! Thanks!
Norma Jean.

Hi Norma and welcome to LF

Well, it looks like you are standing at the cross roads. On the one path you have the stability and comfort of a long term relationship, though with little butterfly feelings and passion and on the other path you have what looks like a promising passionate encounter though you don't know where it would lead or much else. Which path should you choose?

Consider the following risks before you make your decision:

Path #1 - Continuing along will bring challenges, you will need to find some way to find and ignite passionate feelings with your partner. This will involve soul searching and finding how to deepen and intimize your experience with your current partner so you get everything that's currently un satisfied, satisfied in your relationship. And more. This path will ask you for commitment and not just commitment not to cheat, commitment to be dedicated to this partner and this partner alone willingly giving up any potential better opportunities in the future.

Path #2 - Venturing into this path will bring challneges. First challenge is giving up on your current partner completely, breaking up and initiating no contact so you can continue to pursue the second interest without any inhibitions. There is no going back to the first partner after this, if path #2 doesn't work out your only other option is some path #3 in the future. So, what does path #2 hold for you? Will this be a relationship or a one night encounter? Is this person trustworhy? Does he have issues? Will this be love or something that will last a few months and then die? What will you do when you loose feelings for this partner as well, does that automatically put you on path #3?

There's also Path #0 - This path will lead you back where you came from, giving up on both #1 and #2

Well, this is a brief map at your disposable of what awaits you. Noone can make a decision of which path to choose except for you. Think hard and make your decision final.

[Norma Jean]

I appreciate your reply more than you realize.
It's interesting, with all the many people in my life, to turn to an advice forum for help. I realize at a time like this that it really helps to get an outside opinion. And your description really makes it clear!
Thanks so much!
Norma Jean

[Mish]

You're welcome Norma and all the best. I hope you'll make a decision right for you.

[CAM]

You're welcome Norma and all the best. I hope you'll make a decision right for you.

I hope you make the right decision for the guys, too. It seems as if they're very inanimate in this discussion. Any sense of what their emotional needs might be about what you want?

[Mish]

I hope you make the right decision for the guys, too. It seems as if they're very inanimate in this discussion. Any sense of what their emotional needs might be about what you want?

As it stands their needs are tied to hers. If she favours one over the other it's in the other guy's best interest that he chooses a path seperate to hers.

[IndiReloaded]

I hope you make the right decision for the guys, too. It seems as if they're very inanimate in this discussion. Any sense of what their emotional needs might be about what you want?

Interesting. Mish, I interpreted Cam's comment quite differently from you. My take on his question is that, by stepping outside of her own needs & considering the needs of each of the guys, she might also discover something about the quality of what she might be losing or gaining. Not only is it a decent thing to do, but its wise & might prevent her making a mistake she may later regret.

However, a year really isn't that long of a relationship. In fact, between 1-2 years is about the time a couple starts to see the 'real' person in a relationship. Many couples break up around this time b/c they mutually decide they just aren't compatible longterm. This is a perfectly acceptable decision to make. Just make sure you are making it for the right reasons. Don't be a 'branch hopper'.

[sine24]

it seems simple to me. break up with your current boyfriend before you pursue something further with the other guy. it seems like you guys are just good friends..so maybe you should stay true to that and be honest with him.

[Norma Jean]

It's funny you should give me such a simple solution. I was thinking the same thing and I've even mentioned it to my boyfriend a few times, that it feels that we are simply the best of friends. We don't have much of an emotional connection, let alone physical.
And it's true about not really knowing somebody until you've been with them for over a year.
I suppose in the end everybody is just looking for the right companion anyway.
Perhaps the allure of the other guy is just temporary. And having a best friend to go through life with isn't exactly the worst card to be dealt. The butterflies will eventually disappear no matter who I end up with in the end and I think that making hatsy decisions would be unwise.
If I were to second guess my relationship each time an attractive outside party entered the picture, it would be doomed. There will always be temptation, but giving up isn't the answer.

[IndiReloaded]

That seems quite reasonable thinking to me, Norma Jean. Noone is telling you to *settle*, mind. If you aren't happy in your current relationship & foresee problems that you won't be able to overcome then by all means end it & look elsewhere.

You are right that there will always be other attractive ppl you will meet, BTW. How boring if that wasn't so!

There's a good summary of what to expect from various stages of a relationship here:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/off-topic-discussion/23356-giga-best-wishes.html[/url]

[Gigabitch]

The guy you're with barely qualifies as a boyfriend, IMO. Has it occurred to you that you're totally wasting his time? You should let him go.

Is guy #2 aware that you're sneaking around to be near him? If so, he may not be as wonderful as you think he is. If he were truly interested in you, he would probably insist that you break up with your bf.

I don't think you're a horrible person, NJ, or this wouldn't be bothering you. What you are, though, is a LIAR. Lying is bad for your soul. Stop doing it.

[Norma Jean]

Well, sometimes a good kick in the teeth when you're down is exactly what you need.
You're right, I am a liar .. and I feel terribly. I don't believe in the end that I deserve to be with either one of them.

[Illusional]

life is too short to wonder what if this or what if that happened..

i would leave the current relationship in a heart beat. life is all about exploration.

raverboy

[IndiReloaded]

I don't believe in the end that I deserve to be with either one of them.

Please. Spare yourself the self-inflicted Guilt Trip. That never helps anyone. We don't think any better of you for it.

Giga is right tho, just choose and get on w/your life. Every second you waste is a second you could have been exquisitely happy. Those seconds are lost forever, never coming back, so just make your choice a good one & go for it.

[starbuck]

Am I wrong or is one year too soon to be feeling sexually uninterested in the current boyfriend? It would seem to me if you were really in love with him, you would both be keeping the sparks alive for a little longer than a year.

Which one of these guys more closely matches your own life goals? If you want to settle down and have a family, I'd go for the one with more "family man" qualities. If you're not ready to settle down just yet, maybe choose the who isn't gunning for kids and the picket fence just yet.

You don't have to feel guilty for wanting to leave a guy. There are no rules that say you have to be with him, and the worst thing to do is to stay with someone out of guilt (or fear of it) As the other posters said, put your happiness first.