What makes a woman treat someone like this?

[Tibult]

Note: She is 34, I am 33.

I have been seeing a girl for almost a year now. When we first started seeing each other, everything was great, but things started changing later on in the relationship, and after some drama, this is what this "relationship" amounts to now:

I have to initiate most of the communication unless I just feel like rarely ever speaking to her.

It is a game of russian roulette when talking to her. Sometimes I am talking to a loving caring woman, and at other times I speak with someone who won't tell me anything but "none of your business".

Whenever I ask her if she wants to go out, she will, but then she spends most of the time we are together aggravating the hell out of me, and making me end up sorry I even asked her out in the first place.

If she is the one who wanted to go out, we have an excellent time *IF*:

I don't talk too much.

I do almost exactly everything that she wishes. This includes EVERYTHING except the bedroom, where I seem to still have a little bit of cooperation.

So, longer story shortened, this is my "relationship" with this woman. It is all on her terms, and at her liesure.

I love her to death, but I don't feel love coming from this situation with her, except for maybe 20% of the time.

What is going on with her? She gets annoyed with me when I try to talk about these things, and it ends up causing "drama". We have broken up before, and when we got back together she is always "normal" for a week, but then it all goes back to the way I have described it. If I didn't care about her, I would have dumped her a long time ago. Any insight is appreciated.

[Cain]

As you get older, it gets harder for people to change since they're used to acting certain ways. If she's emotionally cold to you, I'd recommend moving on. It seems to be much more trouble than it's worth.

[starbuck]

Note: She is 34, I am 33.

I have been seeing a girl for almost a year now. When we first started seeing each other, everything was great, but things started changing later on in the relationship, and after some drama, this is what this "relationship" amounts to now:

What is this drama that you're talking about here? Did you do something to make her treat you coldly now?

[Tibult]

What is this drama that you're talking about here? Did you do something to make her treat you coldly now?

Yes, I had the inherent "audacity" to get insulted around the 3rd month by expressing my hurt feelings when I asked her out and she declined due to being tired, irritable, and bad company, and then she turned right around 30 minutes later, and texted me that she was going to a hockey game with a friend of her's.

While I know that what she does is her perrogotive, what concerns me is that she would choose a female friend's company over my own, and then proceed to tell me about it. Like I am supposed to be loving and supporting of her by being 2nd fiddle to someone else.

If I were to do something similar to her, which wouldn't happen because I bend over backwards to make time for her, I would at least have the consideration to not TELL her I changed my mind and went out, to at least avoid hurting her feelings.

I let her know about my concerns and she cried and apologized, but the precedent was set, and shortly after this incident I have been an afterthought throughout most of the relationship. When we are together and having a good time, she is a gentle loving warm woman, but when apart, its like I do not exist, and when I call I am usually annoying her.

Another part of the drama that developed over time, is this woman's constant need to have "room to breathe" in the relationship. Her underlying reasons are that she "hates people" and "enjoys her time to herself", but then I hear left and right how she went out here and there with this same friend of her's that started all of this in the first place. I do not like being lied to, and I do not understand why this woman who claims to love me seeimingly acts like she actually cannot stand me. She doesn't mind going for two weeks without seeing me at a time, but she sees her friend sometimes more than three times a week. She tells me I am the only man she wants in her life though, and that I should know that she loves me. An interesting kind of love this is. So you can see, that she has caused part of the drama, and I have caused part of it too by not realizing my lack of reciprocated priority and just walking out back then. There have been many times when she and I have had the opportunity to draw closer as a couple, but she has thrown it out the door in favor of nurturing her friendship instead of her romance. She won't go out along with her friends around me either. She constantly keeps me separate from them, not telling me about them, although I am completely open to her about all aspects of my life. I feel like I am not really a part of her life at all, aside from the occasional movie, dinner, and fling in the bedroom.

She has constantly tested me too throughout our time together. I will tell her about something I am planning to do on a given day, and she will sometimes suddenly decide she wants to go out when we didn't have plans. She has openly thanked me for choosing her over whatever I was doing, making it obvious that it was a test.

The obvious recourse is to just let it go, but what do you do when you love someone that reciprocates, but not to the same degree?

[Junket]

It sounds to me like you don't know what a healthy relationship consists of, and that you're so desperate to be in one at all, that you claim it to be "love", when all it is, is codependency.

Or dependency for that matter, she clearly doesn't need you.

[Tibult]

It sounds to me like you don't know what a healthy relationship consists of, and that you're so desperate to be in one at all, that you claim it to be "love", when all it is, is codependency.

Or dependency for that matter, she clearly doesn't need you.

I know that any healthy relationship requires:

Mutual rapport.
Good Communication.
Give and Take.
Cooperation.

I see that you are one of these people who mistake proper compromise between two people to be some silly notion of "co-dependency". You apparently do not understand the difference between circumstantial cooperation and true devotion in the manner of love between two caring individuals in a healthy physical/psychological relationship. As far as "co-dependency" is concerned, technically she is shifting her "dependency" from the man that she claims to love over to her friend, so any notion of independence is ridiculous when human contact is necessary and even inevitable for most human beings anyway.

She clearly is treating the man that she claims to love differently then the friends she shares, and that is her underlying problem. If she would give me the same respect that she gives them, then everything would be fine. Her friends aren't her problem, because they are very supportive. Her problem is her lack of support for that one friend who happens to share other activities with her as well, and whom she wishes to share these things with exclusively. Had she and I agreed to different terms when meeting up (which wouldn't have happened because I don't do that kind of thing), then I would have no room to gripe because I would focus my attention to my other more supportive girl(s).

As far as desperation, you are partially correct. I want this women to be the woman that I fell in love with, and that fell in love with me. She apparently does not know how to love properly at all, and may soon have to learn with someone else.

Whether or not this woman "needs" me is irrelevant. She claims to love me, and therefore should show me the proper respect as not only her companion, but also her friend. I do not want this woman to "need" me, I want mutual-reciprocation of proper consideration, or I want her to go find someone else to toy with emotionally and punish for her ex's mistake. (He left her). She and I have talked again and again and she doesn't want an open relationship, so soon she may have no relationship at all with me.

Thank you PhillyBoy, for not giving any insight whatsoever into the cause for her acting as she does, and attacking the poster instead of addressing the issue at hand, which is her unbalanced view of me in relation to her life as a whole, when she claims she needs me in said life.

[Charlie Boy II]

Sounds to me like, you get on her nerves, she's over it but can't be bothered to go through the trauma of a break up. That's what it normally means when a previously good companion and reasonable person becomes suddenly distant and irritable. Give her a bit of time and sounds like she'll probably leave of her own accord.

[shh!]

I really don't understans why you continue on in a relationship with a woman you don't get along with when it sounds like she doesn't even like you. You guys don't even have that much time invested.

[Tibult]

I think I am stuck on who she was when I met. Don't worry, the more I talk about it the more I realize how pointless the entire thing is. LOL!!!

Charlie Boy II: I think you're right, I do get on her nerves. The thing is, is we've talked in the past and she claims that "everyone" gets on her nerves, and she hates people and thats why she sometimes becomes "irritable". She does take thyroid medication though.

But, if she acted like this in her previous marriage, I can see why her ex-husband abandoned her. She gripes about drama that she causes, and then is angry at the reaction.

[starbuck]

We often love the person who we feel our S.O. can become, not the person he/she is. It's like loving a ghost. It can never really happen.

This is how she is. She's a big grump. If you want to be with her, you have to live with it. She sounds unwilling and most likely not able to change. Sound unfair? It is. So maybe you should find a girl who is not making you feel like shit all the time.

Like shh, said, you don't have that much time invested. You could cut her loose or keep trying to love a person who doesn't exist.

[Junket]

I know that any healthy relationship requires:

Mutual rapport.
Good Communication.
Give and Take.
Cooperation.

Wow.

Good for you.

But I see you're one of those people who forget the part where you actually implement that knowledge to real life.

I also see you're one of those people that prefer to put the blame on others, and get incredibly defensive when anything negative is said of themselves.

As far as failing to provide insight as to why she may act the way she does? Did you ever consider the idea, that maybe you're the reason she's negligent towards the relationship?

Don't be hatin' bro.

Jus 'cuz dis nigga noez how to werk da ladeez.

Can I get a whut whut??

[starbuck]

Don't be hatin' bro.

Jus 'cuz dis nigga noez how to werk da ladeez.

Can I get a whut whut??

Hollaback youngin!

[Junket]

Hollaback youngin!

Dis shit is bananas!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

[Hollywood]

Listen, you're depending on her too much. She's obviously emotionally handicapped. She's only bothered with you when she wants to be bothered with you. Ring the Alarm!!! That is your sign right there! Don't depend on her for you happiness hun. She can't handle it.

One thing I have noticed... when you put majority, most or all your time into someone it never works. A person can only tolerate but so much from another human being. You could give them everything they say and appear to want... it will never be enough babe. Trust me on this.

Nip this bud quick! Make yourself emotionally and physically unavailable to this woman. Repeatedly doing so, will set off the alarm, "Girl... I am not your toy." She knows you will always cooperate and come back. Stop going back. Even if you want to jump when she puts the trampoline in your presence... DONT.

[lesa]

What is going on with her?

* lost respect or never had respect for you
*not compatible which can lead to the above