HELP!! tell me what u think this means

[Morbid Angel]

i love my ex-boyfriend very much, he broke up with me a while ago after being together for almost a year, but still wants to be friends. he's ended it a couple of times (about 4) and everytime HE asks if we can continue it again. this confuses me alot. he still tells me he loves me, and a while back he said maybe we can get back together again after awhile. but it feels like he can do anything now, and im hanging on for him while he can go date other people, and i cant be mad then because we're nothing atm. but he said he wants me.

hes just sending so many mixed signals. i dont know what he wants i dont want to get hurt again, but what we have is unlike anything ive ever experienced. im not prepared to wait for him for an unknown amount of time, and waste my opportunities, if in the end he's not going to commit or come back.

Why does he love me in that way but keep hurting and confusing me? if he loves me so much, why wont he be with me? does he just want a friend thats easy to get more from because he knows i love him so much?

*confused*

[Illusional]

well he keeps leaving and comming back to you cuz he can. you're allowing him to date other people and when he gets lonely, he's got you as a back up plan. you have to be straight forward with him in the sense that you're either gonna be with him, or let him go. he's using you. raverboy

[Morbid Angel]

thank you illusional..

why going back to ur world of hate?

[Ironliftr3]

He want's to have his cake and eat it too. Don't take him back. Easier said than done, but in the long run, you'll both be better off.

[Bonovox40]

He's pulling "safety net" BS, pure and simple. He KNOWS you'll be there for him so instead of him being a man and facing the times in life between relationships like an adult, he turns to you. You're there WAITING for him so he goes off, sleeps around/dates some girl for fun, it ends somehow and he comes back to you INSTEAD of waiting/looking/taking time to work on himself/etc, because you LET HIM.

Tell me this. Do you enjoy being hurt? You used to be a victim but now you're not. Ever heard the expression "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"? Well, anything past "2" is still "shame on me".

You sound like you're an abuse survivor of some kind. Why let the cycle continue? Sure, having a BF you can't really have is exciting and i'm sure there's things about him that you really enjoy. But what if there was another option?

How would you feel knowing that there is a guy out there who WANTS to be with you? How about a guy who DOESN'T want to go back and forth between women because he KNOWS what he wants? They're out there! Just look at some of the posts on this forum! Decent guys who can be exciting and WANT to have as much fun with someone like you WITHOUT being abusive.

And that's they key word. This is all "abuse" but it's become more "self" abuse then abuse from him because YOU are letting this happen. I'm just stating the facts. 4 times back and forth is silly. Tell me you have a reason that beats "I'm happy being with him, then losing him, then not knowing what is going on and how he feels and being used while he finds someone better."

If your reason for WANTING to stay with him is better than what I said...then stay. BUT you're posting asking for help so i'm taking that you're really looking to be HAPPY out of all of this.

Would you believe me if I told you I know EXACTLY what CAN make YOU HAPPIER in one simple step? (That is unless you enjoy you're life the way it is right now) Well, i'll tell you............

1. Be GONE from him in every possible way. Literally. Don't talk to him anymore, don't see him anymore, don't sleep with him anymore (if you are), make him not exisit in your life. You may not feel happy at first, but you will if you live your life without him and step forward to other new things ahead.

Simple idea yes, but easy to do? Depends on your outlook.
You're clinging on to him so it will be hard. But if you can go and be happy with yourself FIRST and realize that you don't deserve to be used/walked on, then you will project that to people and attract others who know that they can't GET AWAY WITH using you. You're offering no retaliation for what he's doing. You're basically an object for him to use.

You can tell me that "He has feelings and he tells me i'm special" and this and that. It's all BS. We need to LISTEN to what people say, but we need to SEE how people act. Read that again. You're ignoring the second part. His words say one thing, his actions do another. Both have to be in harmony to have a trusting, worthwhile relationship.

If you were with someone who says they love you and then cheats on you, is it ok because they "said" they love you? Of course not.
If you were with someone who physically treated you good and stayed faithful but called you a b*tch, Cu*t, F'n worthless etc. and cuddled with you afterwords....is that ok? Hell no!

You have to ask yourself "how much more do I enjoy/want to be hurt?" because that's what is going on. As a GUY, he has told ALL OF US on this forum what he wants. Raverboy is dead on with what he said. As a GUY, I know the game he's playing. I see it all the time, I've witnessed it first hand. There's no "maybe" about it.

It's not an issue of "love" or "happiness" anymore. He's hurting you and you're letting him. You can always find love with another. God made us capable of sharing and feeling emotions with OTHER PEOPLE. If he didn't, he'd make us like geese that mate for life. Of course I believe that when we find the right person it should be for life, but tell me with how he's treating you, you want that all your life?
You can be happy without him. You SHOULD be happy without him or anyone! Life is great! There's so much to enjoy and one silly guy shouldn't hold you back! Don't be afraid to go out and find someone else. Yes, you might be afraid of feeling pain of another relationships but it wouldn't hurt so much if something didn't feel so good the first time! That means that there is ALWAYS ALWAYS someone that deserves what you have to offer.

Find someone that fits your life. Don't find someone that you think you might fit into.

He's not the one worthy of being waited for. You are. He should be crying over losing you and wondering why you're so happy with someone else. Make that your reality. YOU are the one waiting/chasing. Therefore, you are not letting yourself be in control. When you step up, and walk from something abusive like this, you are in control and no matter what, you at least win that victory.

[Illusional]

haha hate?? i'm either in a world of hate or happiness... it's the extremes. hate is when i'm heartbroken and happiness is when i'm with someone. i have to get back to the point where i don't give a **** and just be content with being single. i'm getting there soon, but working with someone makes it really difficult. oh well, i seen things as her lose more so than mines because i am the one that is able to step back and actually realize reality. raverboy

[Morbid Angel]

k seems like my reply wont go through unless its short, so ill break it up

Bonovox40, ive really been trying to get distance from all of this, but our families are real close and, ive just really over the last year made this my whole life. its like if that part falls out of the story now (however hurtful it is atm) i dont have anything left.

Do you think he'll change? to tell you the truth, lately with all the fighting and breaking up ive started thinking about it, and ive seen a side of him that i really dont like. A side i dont want next to me for the rest of my life. I've also noticed things in the past that i was too stupid to realise. At the moment i know he wont be a good partner or husband in the future and things will only get worse, but i still cant let go, because the good times were really good. I cant help but hope that maybe more of that will come out and that the bad things will disappear.

[Morbid Angel]

I was hoping maybe if i get some time apart from him that i can build up more of myself, something to fall back on, and maybe still be friends with him, he also really wants to be friends.. i hope i dont know is he just saying that to make me feel better? cos he really doesnt seem like someone that will lie about something like that.

Its like i have two sides, one wants to be with him no matter what, or needs to be. and the other really doesnt care anymore and doesnt feel even a small bit of love. I think the problem is with me, and he's all sorted out he wants a friend and not something else, and i almost hate him for being so calm about it. he doesnt even seem like it meant anything to him, hes just going on like he usually did. and i havent been outside for ages and im basically dying right here in my room.

[Morbid Angel]

this might sound selfish but i want him to feel bad about this, like you said. i want him to look at me and wonder 'why did i do this, and why is she so happy now'. i dont have to be with him anymore, i just want him to realise that maybe its not my mistake this time and that maybe something he did was wrong. he pushes everyone around to get what he wants, and everyones too scared to speak up to him, and i actually did and this is what i get. i cant afford to put up with someone thats wreckless with my heart, even if that means that i have to be alone. i can get beat up as many times as humanly possible but if someone hurts me on the inside i dont see how that can be love. and if they dont even realise it. ugh.

but i still want to be with him.

do you think its possible to be friends? he wants to be friends straight away, but do u think if i take time off until im ready that it will be possible? do you think HE'll wait for a once?

[Morbid Angel]

im weak im weak im weak
going over to his house now cos he's lonely. if i was someone else and i heard me say this id bitchslap me

weak weak weak
this is gonna take a while...

[Bonovox40]

Why do you want to remain friends? Out of the thousands and thousands of people living in your area/city/town, do you not think there may be someone who could be a better friend? What are the qualities in a friend you want to have? You already said that you can see that he wouldn't make a good father/husband so why would that translate into making him a good friend? It doesn't. How old are you and him btw?

You've already said you're "trying" to get away so just go for it. Why did you go to him the other night? You're just letting youself be sucked into a spiral of destruction. Friends will not work, you have to REMOVE him from your life. Being friends with him WILL bring you pain. It WILL bring you misery and contempt for him AND yourself.

So if you want that, go be friends. It's up to you, not him. Realize that men do NOT change for women. Men change because THEY (not you) want to change themselves.

If his family is close to you, then write it off as a loss. Keeping it touch will BREAK you down over time. I did it too and it was terrible. Luckily, at the end of everything when my ties were cut with my ex, I had REMOVED feelings for her family so much that the only thing I miss today is her DOGS! But that's the only thing about her that didn't hurt me in someway.

When you find someone who LOVES you for YOU and ONLY YOU....then things will fit into place. You won't have to unnecessarily worry about issues of hurt and pain.

If you can't turn to YOUR own family for support, then build support within yourself! Find something new that makes you YOU! Take some new classes if you can (if you're in college), start a workout program, read some books on a new skill, take up a new hobby, hang out with REAL FRIENDS for a change!

FRIENDS don't hurt you. Is your ex hurting you? Yes? So if he hurts you does that make him a friend? What do you think?

After stuff ended with my ex, I was upset and down sure. But I went out with my friends. I ENJOYED being with them and we made each other laugh and have good times. I took up a new hobby that I enjoyed. Bowling! Just silly bowling but it's fun to do and nobody cares how good you are because it's just simple fun and you can work at it to get better, or just bowl for the hell of it and not care.
All i'm saying is find SOMETHING that gets you active in body or mind or both. I met my current gf from being with my friends.

And BECAUSE I realized how my ex hurt me, and I looked back and REMEMBERED traits she had, I decided to TAKE THE TIME when I started dating again to get to KNOW someone BEFORE falling in love. Not a bad idea right? So when I met my gf, we dated and I got to know her and found that her values/ethics/faith/wants/morals were matchable with mine. I knew there was potential so I went for it and was open with my feelings.
Now it's about 4 months and things are good and I KNOW that even if it doesn't work out, that I won't be treated how my ex did. Not that my gf isn't capable of hurting me, but because I REALIZE that I am SOMEBODY and i'm not going to be walked on for someone else's benefit. I'm attached to people but i'm not clingy anymore. You should work on this if you want to really have a great relationship.

Why run to someone when you need to run to yourself at first? Stop driving recklessly with your heart because as you said "you can't afford it." So then why are you headed into incoming traffic?

Talk to somone (NOT THE GUY) who you know cares about you. Friend, teacher, spiritual leader, grandparent someone! As hard as it might be to explain what you're going through, they'll listen. And people who care about you WON'T tell you something to hurt you. They WANT you to be happy and safe so give them (and yourself) a little credit.

You deserve to be happy and you're worth it! Don't be afraid to take some time off from dating and HEAL yourself. If you're not happy with you, how can you expect someone HONESTLY to be happy with you? Think about that.

Be strong and stick to your guns. PROTECT your heart. Stop holding it out to him to get stomped on because that's what you're offering. I'm telling you this from experience and your situation. FRIENDS with him will never never never never help you get through this slump you're in right now unless you're blind and lie to your heart and play make believe.
Is your imagination a better alternative to true love?

[bluesummer]

this might sound selfish but i want him to feel bad about this, like you said. i want him to look at me and wonder 'why did i do this, and why is she so happy now'. i dont have to be with him anymore, i just want him to realise that maybe its not my mistake this time and that maybe something he did was wrong.

but i still want to be with him.

do you think its possible to be friends? he wants to be friends straight away, but do u think if i take time off until im ready that it will be possible? do you think HE'll wait for a once?

I am in your exact same situation. Exactly, to a tee. I ALSO feel like I want him to feel bad over it and realize that he lost me and HOW MUCH he lost, and I want to make the girl he left me for miserable too. Of course I won't do it, but I feel that way. So its just a normal reaction you're having. I have read Bonovox's posts, and its like he wrote them for me, seriously. I think he has a lot of good points, we should both take some notes. Thanks Bono, it really helped, really.

[Bryan]

It's funny, people always plan ahead with the person they dont want to break up with in their future. They think, ok! we'll split up I'll become a stronger person and then we'll get back together... But that thinking proccess is flawed. You will become a stronger person but by the time you do, you probably wont want to have anything to do with him. I think part of the proccess of breaking up is realizing you're not going to get back together. I think once you say that, thats when you've really "broken up"

Bryan

[Bonovox40]

You're welcome blue. I guess we all live and learn from our own past experiences and what we've seen. Sometimes with age comes regret at what you missed and vise versa. "Oh, if only I could go back with what I know now/If only I could see what the future would bring i'd..."

But we never get ahead in life if we live thinking that way. But sometimes sharing what we know with others who haven't seen the end result is good for the soul. I've been burned in a similar way you have but that doesn't mean you have to share in it too. But then again, going through it sometimes makes you a better person IF... you are WILLING to accept what happens, good or bad. That is like in morbid's case, yes she's being hurt but if she gets through this and walks away and ACCEPTS in her heart that part of being hurt over and over was as much her doing as his, then you'll be a better person for it. If you blame everyone else/the world/fate etc, then you're just making excuses for something you helped create.

Right now i'm in a relationship that COULD become toxic. My gf has some emotional issues that i'm not sure I can handle depending on how they progress. I don't know how it will make her but currently i've chosen to stay and work on things with her because I care about her and love her. If things get worse and she pushes me to the point to walk away for my own health and safety, then fine. I made my choice and live my life as I see fit not knowing if there could be anything good or worse if I had stayed. If I stay with her and end up getting burned somehow, well I can blame her for whatever reason BUT I have to blame myself as well. I saw the signs and I chose to stay. I ACCEPT the consequences of my actions.

But that's not to say I FEEL like I deserve to be hurt. Nobody should. Like with you Morbid, if you look at it like how I just explained and say to yourself "Well, i'll stay because I don't mind being hurt." Then you're looking at it the wrong way. I'm not suggesting that just because you can put up with potential pain that you should. In your case, I know it's time for you to pack up your things and get away from that guy in every way possible. In my case, I don't WANT to be hurt. But if I am...then I want to be able to look back and REMEMBER what I did wrong and what went wrong whatever that may be so I don't REPEAT my mistakes.

That's what it's about. Not letting history REPEAT itself. With my last relationship, it became toxic and for a time, I DID wish it to continue like Morbid is doing. It was a similar case BUT, I realized that what was damaged/broken wasn't being fixed therefore, the relationship could never be healed.

People just don't get that. When you break up, it's because something is BROKEN! If that aspect never gets fixed, then no matter how many times you get back together, that underlying flaw is always existing. Like if someone falls out of love with you and you break up and then feel sorry for them and get back together. Does feeling sorry=falling in love? Of course not. The flaw is still there so the relationship will fail again...and again...and again until it's fixed OR, you move on to find a relationship where it isn't a factor.

Like if you're dating a guy who becomes alcoholic. Good reason to break up for lots or reasons right there. BUT, lets say the guy goes and gets on a program and gets help and fights his way through to being sober and clean. Is that enough to mend a relationship? Well, it depends on both people but the FLAW has been MENDED! The reason the relationship broke up has been taken care of so THAT can be pushed aside and every other little thing can be looked at instead.

So Morbid and Blue, (i'm basing Blue that he broke up with you) Your guys broke up with you for a reason. Has that reason been mended? Is it something that YOU can even mend or is it up to him? If it's not something YOU can control, (ie: "I just don't love you like that. I don't feel the same way etc.") Then why do you feel your actions will change someone else's MIND?
Nobody can make you THINK or FEEL a certain way. Only you can do that to yourself. Like how i'm telling you that you're just hurting yourself by repeating the cycle you're in right now. Me saying that doesn't change how you feel. But if YOU feel that you're being hurt, THEN you'll believe it.

So why do you think that what you say/do will change his feelings? Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn't WANT to feel differently? Everyone has their own agenda and most people are only out for number 1, themselves. It's only when people truly love one another do they do things selflessly and without NEEDING something in return. Sure it feels good to get something back, but if you love someone you don't HAVE to get it back.
Have these guys showed you love to put you first? Does dating someone else between dating you make you first? Does sleeping with you and then breaking up because he "doesn't know what he wants" make you first in any way. No. If they don't love you for who you are, then they don't really love you. If they truly loved you, they wouldn't run you around like this. I had a girl wrapped around my finger that I could get something from whenever I wanted and she was DYING to be with me emotionally. I just didn't feel that from her so I was honest and told her and SHOWED her by not playing her for sex or her time or anything. She was hurt yes, but if I kept using her then she'd always be wondering where I stand and that MAYBE, I have feelings for her even when in my heart I knew I didn't. I'm not that cruel so I made sure she knew that I didn't want to be with her that way. I SAID IT to her. No games. Stop letting these guys play you because they don't care enough about you to stop playing with your emotions. Why let them?

It's great to feel with your heart but you need to start feeling with your head. God gave us both for a reason. They can't survive without one another so start using them together for a change! If the heart is broken, the mind will die. If the mind is damaged, the heart will die. Start living for your own well being and don't live each day as you could be hurt, but by how you can live with the pleasure of loving and being loved in return.

[BillyGalbreath]

Dont be friends with your ex - I've tried it and it doesnt work - especially if there are still feelings on one side...

Now I dont talk to Robin unless I am talking about our daughter - picking her up and dropping her off...

And I dont talk to Destine unless my attorney is present. I dont think I have said one word to that woman, hmm... girl... in about 2 months.. And i havent even seen her either.

So yeah - I am a strong believer in not being friends with the ex - kids or no kids - its not going to work...