How do you get rid of your crush's sticky ex-boyfriend?

[Arrow]

Yes, my crush has an ex. They used to fight a lot, to the point that quite a few people at college knew about this. She has told me around 4 months ago they broke up and has referred to him as "ex" recently. She's trying to enjoy life with friends of hers (going out to clubs and stuff) and has claimed she keeps getting better to a roommate who also ended a relationship recently.

Yet...

Well, the guy doesn't seem to give up so easily. Today I overheard a conversation of hers with the aforementioned roommate and she claimed that the guy keeps sending love messages (I presume emails and SMS) and she said that, had it happened 5 (I think I heard "five") months ago, she would have loved it, but after so much crap that happened (and naturally after telling me they broke up) she felt really uncomfortable and wanted to talk to him, probably to say it was over.

Thing is, I'm interested in her and don't want to have this so-called ex roaming around and I want to, say, lend a hand to her to kick him out of her life. But I believe this roommate of hers is friends with the ex (since I think they both participate in the same project at college) and this roommate might be trying to make them get back together again, because, well, they talk a lot about their relationships and it always ends there.

I know that, in love, to beat an opponent you need to target the woman and not him, but if she has no options and if people keep talking her into it, she may very well go back to him to live a life of misery and I want to spare her of that. Right now I'm keeping a low profile so as not to bother her much. I already sent her chocolates, gave her stuff related to our studies, made compliments... though not much recently, and we have good convos through MSN when she gets online, which is almost never... I'd wait for him to destroy himself (from what I heard he's sexist and possessive), but I'd like to know my chances with her, how to act towards her and, if possible, how to get rid of him for good.

Please help me!!!

[lesa]

You can't (or at least shouldn't) do anything. It will make YOU look bad to her if you tried.

When you two date, she will naturally lose contact with the ex and/or have absolutely no interest in him. It also depends on her character.

Also: You can't save her and it's not your job to do so. If she doesn't have the character to choose what is good for her then she is not someone you should date am I correct?

[1averagejoe]

Yuck...baggage.

[Arrow]

Yuck...baggage.

Yeah lesa, I understand. Also she has too many of those bad days because she does so much stuff during the day (work, studies...). And I guess sometimes she is a little bit afraid of me because she has this situation and I've already done things that mean I'm interested. Our relationship fluctuates a lot and there are times she's really friendly towards me and times when it's hard to start a conversation with her, even though she talks nicely to others.

But (and that's most important) she seems to enjoy it a lot when I treat her well. She was crazy about the chocolates and an email of mine in which I showed there were lots of things in common between us. And she has told stuff to me that she told no one else.

Actually my current idea is to act as different from the ex as possible by being light on her. But I must confess it's hard!!! A week ago I and her coincidentally met on the street and she was driving. She joked by saying the car was from her husband (she's obviously not married) and I was so shocked (I was having a bad day up until then and it was a pretty good car) that I kept asking her whose car it was and I think she thought I sounded too insistent and invasive. Then she asked me to take notes from the classes for her, but for the whole week she didn't mention anything about it again... Tuesday she was sick and I tried to talk to her again, but she was acting more friendly towards other people (mainly girls) and she was tired. Then I guess I blew it by not staring at her whenever I looked at her direction and she may have thought of this as immaturity and disrespect. But how can I know... ATM I'm just hoping she'll get rid of him so she'll be more open than she has been until this point.

I was actually happy she was looking into a way to probably put an end to things but I've managed to crash my brand-new car this afternoon and I'm in bad shape because of it...

[Citycat]

But I believe this roommate of hers is friends with the ex (since I think they both participate in the same project at college) and this roommate might be trying to make them get back together again, because, well, they talk a lot about their relationships and it always ends there.

I know that, in love, to beat an opponent you need to target the woman and not him, but if she has no options and if people keep talking her into it, she may very well go back to him to live a life of misery and I want to spare her of that.

Why for God's sake do you want a girlfriend who will be with a guy only cos her friends tell her that she should be?

I already sent her chocolates, gave her stuff related to our studies, made compliments...

If someone did this to me, I'd know he's hitting on me.

What makes you think she'll be with you even if she was single? Does she flirt with you? What do your common friends say she thinks about you?

[Arrow]

Why for God's sake do you want a girlfriend who will be with a guy only cos her friends tell her that she should be?



If someone did this to me, I'd know he's hitting on me.

What makes you think she'll be with you even if she was single? Does she flirt with you? What do your common friends say she thinks about you?

Quite honestly I don't talk with my roommates about this stuff because I really don't think that ANY woman would like it to become public knowledge without the relationship having become reality. It's not how things work IMO. I'm not there to scare her and have people make jokes about us. But I do talk to friends outside college and they're telling me there are hints of promise based on what I report to them.

We have some common friends but I must be careful with who I talk to. This roommate I mentioned is one of those common friends and I don't think it would be a good idea to talk to her because she might tell him about it and I would have more to worry about.

I don't think easily influenced people are good to maintain long-term relationships with but you don't know how many stupid things an otherwise level-headed person can do if he/she is going through a difficult moment. Especially a young one. A small push is all that is needed sometimes.

[AstroPanther]

Hi Arrow! You've got an interesting situation here. The girl you've got a crush on seems to respond well to your affection, but is now the best time to make impressions? From the sound of it, she's been busy, somewhat troubled, and pre-occupied with her ex. There's a lot of negatives going on there, and if you move in now, you may end up being lumped in with those negatives, if only subconsciously. If she's not ready for a new relationship, where are you going to fit in?

From my experience, the act of giving and giving to a girl in hopes of earning her affection (as if you were building up Frequent Flyer miles) is not a desirable approach to take before establishing the relationship. You're giving her things that she appreciates, but doesn't necessarily want from you. Therefore, you become someone she will go to for favors, such as having you take notes for her in class. And that's not good. What you want is for her to want you. When she is attracted to you and desires your company-- when she starts making efforts to find out what you're doing and if she can see you-- that's when doing those romantic things will really have an impact.

So, ideally, you don't have to buy her anything, send any e-mails, or do any favors. All that needs to take place is that, during your interactions with her, she experiences something about you that captivates her. Your presence should be like crack to her. Okay, not crack, but something healthy and just as tasty... okay, forget the crack. But you get the idea! Unfortunately, when you get the thinking how you'll develop that attraction, it can become a bit like a game. I'm sure you've heard the dribble about making a girl wonder and acting uninterested, but it's worked for me before.

If you can't seem to develop that attraction, learn about the things she's into. She goes to clubs? Okay. Can you dance? If not, learn how. Find out what she's good at. Maybe she can Salsa, and you can secretly take lessons and then ask out her one night and blow her mind.

The final thing to think about is the part about that "small push" you're hoping to give her in the right direction. That push might be bigger than you estimate. If she isn't level-headed in her selection of boyfriends, the reasons behind that may be deeply rooted, and trying to unroot them may not be a wise investment. Part of being attractive is liking yourself, and how much can you like yourself if you feel you must convince someone to like you? Maybe, rather than thinking of her affection as something you must earn, you could consider yourself already worthy. Whether she goes for you or not isn't necessarily a judgment against your worth, but rather an indication of her preferences. And for all you know, her preferences may be all screwed up.

And another last thing. She was initially attracted to her ex for a reason, so instead of being the exact opposite of him, it may be to your benefit to figure out what she was attracted to about him. Look at it this way: he had the attraction part down, but screwed up with the relationship. If you can get the attraction part down, you already know how to treat her well, so you'd have both elements... you'd be unstoppable...

[Arrow]

Hi Arrow! You've got an interesting situation here. The girl you've got a crush on seems to respond well to your affection, but is now the best time to make impressions? From the sound of it, she's been busy, somewhat troubled, and pre-occupied with her ex. There's a lot of negatives going on there, and if you move in now, you may end up being lumped in with those negatives, if only subconsciously. If she's not ready for a new relationship, where are you going to fit in?

From my experience, the act of giving and giving to a girl in hopes of earning her affection (as if you were building up Frequent Flyer miles) is not a desirable approach to take before establishing the relationship. You're giving her things that she appreciates, but doesn't necessarily want from you. Therefore, you become someone she will go to for favors, such as having you take notes for her in class. And that's not good. What you want is for her to want you. When she is attracted to you and desires your company-- when she starts making efforts to find out what you're doing and if she can see you-- that's when doing those romantic things will really have an impact.

So, ideally, you don't have to buy her anything, send any e-mails, or do any favors. All that needs to take place is that, during your interactions with her, she experiences something about you that captivates her. Your presence should be like crack to her. Okay, not crack, but something healthy and just as tasty... okay, forget the crack. But you get the idea! Unfortunately, when you get the thinking how you'll develop that attraction, it can become a bit like a game. I'm sure you've heard the dribble about making a girl wonder and acting uninterested, but it's worked for me before.

If you can't seem to develop that attraction, learn about the things she's into. She goes to clubs? Okay. Can you dance? If not, learn how. Find out what she's good at. Maybe she can Salsa, and you can secretly take lessons and then ask out her one night and blow her mind.

The final thing to think about is the part about that "small push" you're hoping to give her in the right direction. That push might be bigger than you estimate. If she isn't level-headed in her selection of boyfriends, the reasons behind that may be deeply rooted, and trying to unroot them may not be a wise investment. Part of being attractive is liking yourself, and how much can you like yourself if you feel you must convince someone to like you? Maybe, rather than thinking of her affection as something you must earn, you could consider yourself already worthy. Whether she goes for you or not isn't necessarily a judgment against your worth, but rather an indication of her preferences. And for all you know, her preferences may be all screwed up.

And another last thing. She was initially attracted to her ex for a reason, so instead of being the exact opposite of him, it may be to your benefit to figure out what she was attracted to about him. Look at it this way: he had the attraction part down, but screwed up with the relationship. If you can get the attraction part down, you already know how to treat her well, so you'd have both elements... you'd be unstoppable...

That was a great post and I wasn't expecting to come in and read this!!!

You're right in terms of not overdoing it with compliments, though I believe that one or another, here and there, might do me good. Let's not forget it's difficult for me to talk to her during the week as break time is limited, she's always in a hurry AND although she doesn't have many true friends in my class she does talk to a lot of people and I guess stopping an ongoing conversation between her and a girl friend isn't comfortable for her.

Right now I have problems to pass myself as attractive since I haven't been able to establish a long-term relationship with a woman before. But I'm trying... Currently I'm building up small things to talk about by going out with the guys and trying to date other women at clubs so I can gain confidence. Also I'm making contact with other girls too.

I remember she told a friend that what she seeks in a boyfriend is adulthood and friendship, perhaps because she's so worried about her work commitments.

This week she's not sitting where she used to, which was right by my side. She moved one desk away from me, despite there being an empty one between us. I don't know why but...

Last week we accidentally met on the street while she was driving (I was by foot). She had this nice, expensive car and was waving her arms like crazy and giving lights to catch my attention. I was a little nervous with stuff that had just happened before I was heading to college so it took me long to see her. Then we greeted each other and I held her hand for a brief moment. I asked whose car it was and she said it was her husband's (which was obviously a joke), then she said it was her boyfriend's, who also owned a Porsche (another joke), but I kept falling into that and asking if it was her mom's or something. I know it was a joke because the car was from the city she came from and she didn't leave any old love there. She then told me to get some notes as she would miss her class that day because she was sick.

The day after that we met at college and she was talking to another guy, I greeted her by holding her arm (not too tight) and kissing (it's normal in my country) and I left. She was still sick and in bad shape. After I came back she was happily talking to some girls, then sat alone in a place. I went to talk to her and she said "hey, why you're so interested in my husband's car?!?" and I asked if it was hers, she said "why?" and I told that I wanted to congratulate her because it was such a nice car. But from then conversation didn't flow, she was staring at nothing and I couldn't start a topic which would catch her interest (and we do lots of common things). And she didn't even ask me about the notes. Then she said she would call her mom and I said "ok" and left, but I interpreted that as she not liking my presence (because with the other girls she was all happy), even though she really was sick, and started to ignore her and, whenever I looked at her direction, I'd make an effort not to look at her. And it's been like that until today.

Now I think I screwed up because I shouldn't have been so insistent and unfriendly. Actually I'm acting indifferent towards her and only looking at her a few times hoping that she feels my absence but I don't know whether it'll work.

Anyway, this is worrisome. The only contact I've had with her was yesterday when I sent her a video of a live song ("You Know My Name" from the last 007 film - NOT the clip because it had romantic references, you know, Bond and Vesper in the shower) just to show my musical taste and to have a small contact. She doesn't look at her email box very often and rarely logs onto MSN so I think I'm "safe" and she won't think I'm circling her (I sent her an email once and it took a week for her to read it).

But note that she's still sick and taking meds in the middle of the class and today she was looking bad too.

Things about her:

- She's Gemini;
- Enjoys dancing at clubs;
- Works 6 hours a day;
- Practises yoga;
- Is into country music but also likes calm stuff;
- She told me some stuff about her life she feels she shouldn't tell other people;
- Dresses very nicely when she can;
- Studies a lot, always makes points during classes...

And on Monday something funny happened, we both called the teacher and he gave attention to me, then I told him she asked first, and she started saying exactly what I was going to say... When the teacher turned back to me I told him that, and she heard it.

And one last thing: as a guy, how do you view the idea that it's always possible to make a woman fall for a man?

[Only-virgins]

I know that, in love, to beat an opponent you need to target the woman and not him

There is no opponents in love. Women have a brain too to make decisions, I think...I hope

[agatha]

Dont do anything, THAT'S BAD!!!!!!!!!
wait for the time that the girl will like you.
don't force her to be with you.
it might cause you nothing in the end.

♣♣♣

[Arrow]

Dont do anything, THAT'S BAD!!!!!!!!!
wait for the time that the girl will like you.
don't force her to be with you.
it might cause you nothing in the end.

♣♣♣

Actually I think my way of "not doing" things is putting me into trouble... I'm conveying to her the idea that I feel uncomfortable (in a bad way) when she gets near, because I'm avoiding looking at her and turning my head away when she gets in my line of sight. The problem is that I started to do that after she acted a bit cold with me, but she was sick that day and now she may be thinking I didn't understand her situation.

The question is... how to make her forget all that past crap and her current life woes and fall in love with me? It should be possible if done the right way, even sworn enemies end up dating sometimes.

[Arrow]

Sorry for bumping the thread but I'm an attention seeker.

In the last few days she has been acting more and more as if she felt uncomfortable with my presence. I'm responding by diminishing eye contact and ignoring her, though I sometimes try to seem friendly. However it seems I'm the only guy in my class she acts cold with. There's this stupid roommate she's always inviting for parties (he's well known at college) and others she barely talks to but is way more friendly with. I simply don't understand. I have good intentions and I'm not buggering her with anything (in fact it's been almost two weeks since we last had a conversation and we barely see each other now), I'm even dressing a lot better because of her but she acts as if she was afraid of me... Which is weird because from the MSN conversations just weeks ago and from what happened in the beginning of last week she was acting as if she liked me at least as a friend or something. I think I showed that I took the husband joke too seriously, but I don't know really. I just wanted to have good moments with her, I showed her I'm a good guy but it seems that it didn't pay off and it's so unfortunate... Perhaps if I fought with her all the time like her ex did she'd like me better, some women seem to love abuse and there are good women among those...

[lastwish]

The question is... how to make her forget all that past crap and her current life woes and fall in love with me? It should be possible if done the right way, even sworn enemies end up dating sometimes.

She will forget all that crap about her ex if she finds someone else that she falls in love with. All you can do is be nice, be playful, show her a good time, and be light. Don't try to push her into being serious with you because most girls who just got out of another relationship would probably be more reluctant in starting another. So, stop with the chocolates, gift giving, and desperate compliments. Chat with her about things she's interested in. And once she realizes how much you guys have in common and how warm and fun you are and different from her ex...she would eventually forget about him.

[Arrow]

She will forget all that crap about her ex if she finds someone else that she falls in love with. All you can do is be nice, be playful, show her a good time, and be light. Don't try to push her into being serious with you because most girls who just got out of another relationship would probably be more reluctant in starting another. So, stop with the chocolates, gift giving, and desperate compliments. Chat with her about things she's interested in. And once she realizes how much you guys have in common and how warm and fun you are and different from her ex...she would eventually forget about him.

That's what I'm trying to do but, considering the situation I described in my previous post, it's being difficult at the moment since she's acting colder with me than with other guys. A friend told me she might be afraid of a relationship now and might even reciprocate my feelings and this is what would make her not act normally towards me. I've had it happen before but the other girl was already dating someone else when it dawned on her that I liked her, which I don't think is the case here because she and her ex were still discussing the future of their relationship as late as August and it would have been too early for her to already have found someone else, especially considering her old relationship was sort of abusive. Right now the problem is not much the ex-boyfriend (who I think is out of the way judging from recent stuff) but developing my bond with her.