Should I move on ?

[Adrianna]

Dear All ,

I need your sincere advise. This could be long, but please on and give me back hope....

Recently my 4 years relationship was ended. For the last 4 years, my bf has been very loving, committed and I have never met anyone that love me so much. However, during the last 4 years, I did not reciprocate his love, as I always feel that he is obsessive, controlling and very bad temper. For the first year we were together, I have told him many time I would like to end the relationship with him, but he would go crazy and screamed and threatened that , if I ever left him, he would be dead as he couldn't live on.

So, for the last 4 years, our relationship were bumpy, where he loved me alot, each day deepened, while my love for him turned hatred. I treated him badly with my moody emotion and temper, I ignored him and verbally assult him. We would fight so much that he would hit me and screamed at me. The final draw was when I moved out of the house, and called the police when he slapped me. However, he asked me to move back, and I did. (While I was out for only 1 night, I realise actually I may be in love with him). He asked me to moved back and promised to start over again. I did.

A month back, he told me he would like me to move out, as he is sure where's our relationship is heading. He told me that he is not sure about our future, and he scared that I would leave him again. I promised that I won't and I will change my bahaviour. However, he insisted that I moved out. I told him, that must be another girl involve. He denied and told me no.

So, I found out ,indeed another girl involve. I confronted him, and he told me, they are just friends and the girl treats him very nice and like him alot. He told me for the last 4years ,he has always been taking care of me and love me but no one ever care for him, but now this girl treat him very nice and will do anything he said. He told me he only loves me and have no feeling for the girl. BUT, he choose to hang out with her every weekend and left me alone. I was not sure where I stand, whether I am the gf or he already broken up with me. He told me , the day I moved out, the day he thougth we already broken up. But he asked me to move back, and I did.

Finally, I moved out. Now for about 2 weeks. The day I moved out, he went devastated, he told me he was not sure he can live with or without me, but he will try. I told him, I would still want to be with him,just give me chance and I promised that I will treat him nice. He said he is scared.

THe problem here : He is always hanging out with the girl and yet sent me email not to give up on him. He wants to be with me, if I change my bahaviour toward him. I told him I will and sincere promised and proved to him the last 2 weeks I have already change. I told him not to see the girl anymore, but he refuse. Up until now, the girl can be seen in public with friends but I cannot hang out with his friends anymore (because he and the new girl are all hanging out together). He choose to spend long weekend with her instead of me. I told him, if he is sincerely love me, he would change plan and spend time with me.

He promised me that the girl just for fun but he never have sex with her, however,they both kiss in the public. He would have sex with me even until now.

I am confuse. What should I do ? Should I hold on to him or move on ? I am heart broken. I told him I have changed my behaviour toward him but he wants further commitment to make sure I won't relapse, yet he still hang on with the girl. And he would take extra careful in his dressing, and look very nice for the girl. He would take lots of pictures of the girl. But yet, he keep telling me, don't give up on us. He told me, this period of time, he is hurt and numb, he can't feel, He just want to have fun. If so, why he keep taking pictures of the girl and treat her so nice ?? The girl is young, and he told me that very unlikely he will start a new relationship with young girl, especially after me, he wants to just focus on himself and love himself and do whatever he wants.

Please enlighten me. I am heart broken. I have not been able to sleep and eat....thanks all...

Adrianna

[Cain]

I'm not sure why you want to be with a guy that hits you.

I'm not sure why you want to be with a guy that you constantly argue with either.

[elfen31]

I'm not sure why you want to be with a guy that hits you.

I'm not sure why you want to be with a guy that you constantly argue with either.

Trust me Cain, sometimes it's simply complicated. Sometimes you just love someone even if the relationship sucks.

[Cain]

Trust me Cain, sometimes it's simply complicated. Sometimes you just love someone even if the relationship sucks.

I think that anyone that "loves" someone that HITS them is just insecure with themselves. Love isn't physical, emotional, and mental abuse.

[Adrianna]

he is a very passionate guy. Only when i provoke him, or when we in heated argument, when out of control then only he will hit. Other wise, he won't and very rare.

My question is : should i still be with him ? I am now at his place now as he told me i can stay overnight. But he also told me that (after I hinted him) the girl was just at the house cooking for him, but never stay over night. I also found out that he told his famiky we already broken up. When I ask him, "do you really want us to work it out", he told me he don't know, and not sure what to do as his guard is on now. He wants to still hold on to me , yet he won't let the girl go. He want a back up plan if one of us not working out. BUt, I know truly in his heart, he still love me, yet he wants to do the right thing. Unless I can convince him I can change my temper, he will take me back (this is my guess). However, he still doubting me and he told me he needs more time recover from the pain that I have caused him.

Please help me to understand the situation, as a rational person who love this guy very much and believe he will be a future good husband. Could he trust me again ?

Thanks guys...

[Brighteyes]

you say in your first thread that over the past four years with him, you grew to hate him as he grew to love you more. So just for clarification.....do you love him? and do you actually want to be with him?

You say you treat him bad, yet I get the impression you have only become this way after dating him for years. I feel any relationship that alters you from your true self isn't the real deal. Everyone is special and your unique personality shouldn't be altered just because of one man.

As for him hitting you, violoence is not acceptable in a relationship at all as far as i'm concerned, even if it is infrequent and when he is angry. I believe there is always another way to solve a disagreement. If he truly loves you, he shouldn't want to see you get hurt. The way you blame yourself for this violence also indicates he isn't willing to change his violent ways, although you are willing to change your negative attitude. A relationship is mutual and must work both ways.

His involvement with this other girl sounds more than platonic to me. I feel he does not love you any more and is merely clinging to you as you provide a form of security for him. He is scared to be alone again and isn't confident this girl will be around forever to provide him with the comfort and safety net that he currently has with you.

He has moved on but is scared to let go. You have to be fair on yourself and move on to. Break away, because he won't let you. If you really do love him and want this relationship to continue give him the ultimatum. If he's willing to risk losing you he's not worth it.

[Cain]

he is a very passionate guy. Only when i provoke him, or when we in heated argument, when out of control then only he will hit. Other wise, he won't and very rare.

My question is : should i still be with him ? I am now at his place now as he told me i can stay overnight. But he also told me that (after I hinted him) the girl was just at the house cooking for him, but never stay over night. I also found out that he told his famiky we already broken up. When I ask him, "do you really want us to work it out", he told me he don't know, and not sure what to do as his guard is on now. He wants to still hold on to me , yet he won't let the girl go. He want a back up plan if one of us not working out. BUt, I know truly in his heart, he still love me, yet he wants to do the right thing. Unless I can convince him I can change my temper, he will take me back (this is my guess). However, he still doubting me and he told me he needs more time recover from the pain that I have caused him.

Please help me to understand the situation, as a rational person who love this guy very much and believe he will be a future good husband. Could he trust me again ?

Thanks guys...

Once is more than enough.

I would never even think about laying my hands on a woman unless she was trying to kill me.

You're obviously willing to put up with a lot. "He only hits me when I provoke him! He only hits me when we're arguing! He only hits me when he's drinking! But otherwise he's reeeeally nice!"

[Gribble]

Leave. Each time he hits you, it's just as much your fault as it is his. You allow him to abuse you. And I really don't care much one way or the other what happens. If you're getting something out of the aggression and the pain, whatever. Enjoy it. Just don't even think of bringing a child into the world and subjecting him or her to that kind of behavior.